Bildungblog
Saturday, March 18, 2006
Mormon Mitt Romney took the Vow of
Vulcan
shortly before he went to the
Vatican for a Mass
held
by the Pope. To round out his Touch All Religious Bases
Tour, later this year he will confer
with
leaders of
the
Church of the Subgenius during its annual X-Day
celebration.
Serbian peasants wait
expectantly to hear if they
have been cast as villagers in the
latest remake of
Frankenstein
.
With $10 million stuffed in her saddlebags,
Katherine Harris waved to the crowd and shouted:
"I'm in this race, and I'm going to win."
Too bad she was riding a 'Three-Gaited
Horse',
a horse that 1) trips, 2) stumbles, 3) and falls.
Friday, March 17, 2006
If Dirk Diggler's fame
had
depended
on the
size of his ersatz hairdo,
he might have looked like the next
Secretary of the Interior.
National Security Adviser Stephen Hadley
couldn't be sure who was sneaking up on him.
Was it Bob Woodward? Was it
Patrick Fitzgerald?
Was it Scooter Libby? Was it
Valerie Plame?
Was it
SpongeBob SquarePants?
Although Governor Kempthorne
covered the $111 in bad checks
he wrote at Chic's Place, his
hairdresser
refused to explain
why it costs so much to cut
so little in
Boise, Idaho.
Ties between the United States and
Ireland were significantly strengthened
today when Prime Minister Ahern presented
President Bush a Miracle-Gro Four-Leaf
Clover Deluxe Gardening Set from
Toys
Я
Us.
'Blond Joke' futures on the CME
jumped more than 200 points
today on news that TSA lawyer
Carla Martin was even dumber
than had been forecast.
This is not the guy who played Clarabell
on the
Howdy Doody Show.
This is the guy who plays Joe Lieberman
in the United States Senate.
Nominated to be the next Secretary of the
Interior,
Governor Dirk Kempthorne
vowed to do
for the
entire U. S. what he has done for the state of Idaho.
Uh-oh.
If Jeff Goldstein had been
willing to shave off his beard,
he could have
starred
in
Brokeback Mountain
.
Tonight on the Biography Channel--
'From Carbon Unit to Energy Beast:
the Life of David Horowitz'
"Mr. Willey, is that a tie you're wearing,
or did the
heart surgeon forget to sew you up?"
Why is it that fake Democrats
insist
on wearing such scrofulous beards?
Take Joe Klein, for instance.
This is Ken Mehlman, the face of
today's Republican Party.
Don't forget: Beauty is only skin deep.
Thursday, March 16, 2006
Secretary of State Rice was
puzzled when her robust
critique of Microsoft Jakarta
failed to interest the
Indonesian parliament.
The Baghdad courtroom was
convulsed
when Saddam Hussein
and
his brother-in-law performed
the
Droodles
version of the
Iraqi national athem.
When accused by the prosecution
of having less than 20/20 vision,
Saddam Hussein threatened to
lead a revolt of Iraq's fearsome
Four-Eyed People.
In last night's American-style
presidential debate in Italy,
Silvio Berlusconi used a clever
stratagem to keep his opponent,
Romano Prodi, in the dark.
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
After he said, "Let's treat politicians like Twinkies.
They have to disclose their ingredients.",
thousands of viewers thought:
"Let's treat pundits like Port-a-Johns.
They have to show what they're full of."
"After I brought down Dan Rather,
I starred in the Hollywood blockbuster,
The Hindrocketeer.
"
"Now it's time for 'My Word'.
The word today is 'blondes Biest'."
Adele Fergusen says she has
"many black brothers
and sisters
in this
great country."
They're just not as white as she is.
Paleoanthropologists announced today
that Piltdown Man was still a hoax,
citing his great-grandson, Jeff Jacoby,
as living proof.
At his trial in Baghdad,
former judge Awad al-Bandar
was told to spit out the gum,
or else.
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
PRC Premier Wen Jiabao uses Microsoft's
Revolutionary Edition of PowerPoint
to illustrate a new concept,
'the Socialist Path
with
Chinese Characteristics'.
Asked to spell 'Canandaigua', the venue for
his latest defense of the Medicare drug benefit,
the President donned his Neo costume and
quickly eluded the Agents of Acceptable Usage.
After hanging out with guys like
George Bush, Jesse
Helms, and Clarence Thomas,
Claude Allen learned the hard way that
'Evil companions corrupt good morals'.
Oklahoma judge James Payne withdrew
his nomination to the Court of Appeals
when he discovered the Tenth Circuit
already had a George Romney look-a-like.
Senator Santorum has reneged
on his promise to stop weekly
meetings with the lobbyist for
Hello Kitty
.
DC Philanthropist,
Barbara Bonfiglio,
to Move Out of
Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood
Monday, March 13, 2006
If Cliff May could drop bombs on
America's enemies in Iraq from a
B-52 bomber
cruising at 40,000 feet,
he would
join the Air Force
tomorrow.
That would be
conventional war,
war that's fair and square.
Cliff May says he prefers conventional war
to
unconventional war.
Try to imagine
him
fighting either.
Saddam Hussein's co-defendant,
Abdullah Kazim Ruwayyid, praised
Allah today for keeping him in a
Baghdad jail, one
of the safest places in Iraq.
And he said unto them,
"Let not your hearts be troubled.
Believe in God,
believe also in me."
Senator George Allen is the hands-down
favorite to become quarterback for
the Dallas Cowboys in 2008.
Having been impeached,
convicted, and censured
by the Nevada State Assembly,
Kathy Augustine silenced her GOP critics
when she quoted Reagan's 11th Commandment:
"Thou shalt not speak ill of a fellow Republican."
"
My enemies say I'm a
corrupt politician.
I say I'm Richard Pombo,
faithful deliverer of
constituent services."
Rick Santorum and Joe Pitts were on the
verge of coming to blows over whose
lapel pin was more patriotic.
Karl Rove
hurried over the
tarmac. He knew
the shelf life of Bush's brain
was about to expire,
and he didn't want to be the one
left holding the bag
Sunday, March 12, 2006
Model Used by Auguste Rodin for His
Famous Statue,
The Thinker
"You know, people say to me, my buddies in Texas,
'How do you handle all this stuff?'
You know, after you've been George Bush for as long
as I have, you just have to get used to it."
Turkey Dance
"Some doctors have diagnosed the SRLC
as being in a 'persistent vegetative state'.
Well, this time, I'm afraid they're correct."
Lady in gimme cap checks watch,
thinks: "Jeebus, this is more boring
than church!"
The lady in red has been nominated for
Best Performance in a Supporting Role
for
Graham Gone Wild.
Elephant Dwarfed by Star of
Attack of the 50 Foot Woman
"Our Father, as we look ahead to almost
three more years of the Bush Administration,
may tempus fugit, but even faster."
Just why the SRLC delegate ended up at
Lost and Found eventually
became clear.
A delegate at the SRLC was unaware
she was wearing two good reasons for
a law
against flag descrecation.
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