Some over-the-hill movie stars sell yogurt for a living.

Others yell at NBA referees.

Man Pays to Nail Woman Metaphorically,
She Nails Him Literally Instead

Even after it stepped into the light, Yemen's 'Shadow
Parliament' was still hard to see.

Well, fellow procrastinators, we waited until
the last minute to order and, sure enough,
the official National Day of Prayer Bookmark
is out of stock. Sorry! It's still not too late,
however, to put off ordering your copy of
Getting Things Done in time for National
Procrastination Day, which, for some reason,
always gets postponed until next week or
the week after that.

"Dialectical materialism forever, mofos!"

Representative Eric Cantor (R-VA) says, "If you
listen to Rush Limbaugh, you really don't need
to listen to anybody else."

Factoid of the Hour #5
Cuban Rolls 148-Foot-Long Cigar,
Sets New Guinness World Record

Geese Demonstrating Proper Technique for
'Flying Under the Radar'

Red People Declare Sovereignty, Tighten Bible Belt

Were you aware that your head is constantly being
bombarded by 'Nonsense Particles'? It's true. You
just can't see them, except in Kirlian photographs.

First Lady Appears in the Same Flowered Frock Twice;
Is Praised by Some for Showing America How to Dress
During a Recession, Is Blamed by Others for Wearing
'Old Duds'

Michael Steele Re-Brands Himself

"You know what I like about you, George? Like me,
you lack seriousness and sobriety."

If your idea of domination involves someone kissing
your foot, you might consider ordering a few hundred
Doctor Fish.

“This whole notion of listening, it’s just — it’s a scam.
Never forget: I've made my fortune in Talk Radio, not
Listening Radio!”

"When I posed topless," says Carrie Prejean,
"God was testing my character and faith."

"What the Republicans need right now is a better sort of
centrist, someone who can’t sound like Rush Limbaugh but
who can’t sound like Arlen Specter, either. Someone, if I
may be so bold, who sounds like me."

Bank of America Still in the Red, Stress Test Shows

Pope Benedict's rhetoric is so soporific it can render
new priests comatose at a range of up to fifty yards.

World's Worst Yobs #93
Jeffrey Rosen

Wildlife Tip #7
Pretending you're Chuck Jones or speaking with a faux
French accent probably won't improve your chances
of befriending a skunk.

Republican Fat Cat Now Required to Buy
Two Tickets When It Flies Coach

Clarabell Ready to Repulse Rightwing Apologists
for Individual and Corporate Tax Cheats

Who ya gonna call when your 'hood needs some liberatin'?
The Sudanese Liberation Army.

World's Worst Yobs #92
Major Garrett

Think outside the bun --- Try a lizard on a stick.

The Agony of Da Feet

If the present trend continues into the not-too-distant
future, there will be more Americans who claim to have
seen a UFO than claim to have seen a Republican.

According to the story, she evidently stole them.

Despite $130 billion in bailouts, experts say AIG
is still flat on its back.

I Remember Dubya #20
All things considered, Dubya did manage to establish one
positive record: he spent 490 days—nearly 17% of his time
in office—on vacation.

"Since I was a child, playing Old Maid has been almost
as dear to my heart as singing 'My Old Kentucky Home'."

Aggressive Driving Likely Cause of Five Horse Pileup
in Kyrgyzstan

Sweeping generalizations is a task best left to janitors,
sanitation engineers, and other experts in
broom management.

Michael Steele Voted 'Mr. Strategist' by Double 6
Domino Players League

"Although he's much too modest to say so himself, Prime
Minister Berlusconi is a lot like Jesus and Napoleon. Is it
any wonder, then, that he's the most popular leader in the
world today?"

Pageant Paid for Blonde Joke's Boob Job

Suede, with grosgrain ribbon laces and metallic pink
toe caps, Michelle Obama's Lanvin sneakers cost $540.
Sounds outrageous until you realize that's only $270
a foot.

Another Fissure Opens in the
Republican Road to Nowhere

President Says Supreme Court Nominee Must Be
'Sober as a Judge', Must Not Hiccup Irresponsibly

Although there is no evidence the H1N1 virus can be
transmitted over the Internet, some cybernauts are
taking no chances.

Epidemiologists fear the worst is yet to
come in the cable news pandemic.

"Sure, you can call me Honey."

Four Reasons Justice Souter Is Retiring: 1) Antonin Scalia,
2) Clarence Thomas, 3) John Roberts, and 4) Samuel Alito

Party Pigs Celebrate Renaming of Virus
from 'Swine Flu' to 'H1N1 Influenza A'

World's Worst Yobs #91
Jay Severin

As a rule, you reach the 'tipping point' after
you finish your meal.

"The more often Americans go to church, the more
likely they are to support the torture of suspected
terrorists, according to a new survey."