Amazingly, on his very first birthday,
Tai Shan had found The One.

According to Innertubetarianism (a Libertarian
sect), TANSTAAFR (There Ain't No Such Thing as
a Free Ride) is the fundamental law of riverine life.

"Dear God,
I thank Thee that my DNA is different from
Michael Jackson's and Sarah Palin's.
Thy will be done.
Amen."

Apparently, folks, karma really works. Former
Attorney-General Alberto Gonzales has finally found
a job, but he will have to teach political science to
Texas Tech undergrads--ouch!--and live in Lubbock,
Texas--double ouch!!

If you want to know why pharmaceutical companies are
ruling the world, look in your medicine cabinet and count
the number of Pfizer products on the shelf. Fearguth did,
and here's what he found:
Benadryl
Purell
Listerine
Visine
Sudafed
Lubriderm
Rolaids
Bengay
NeoSporin

And you?

Like the weather, Sarah Palin is unpredictable.
And, like the weather, everybody talks about her
but nobody can do anything about her.

Dan Froomkin Hired by The Huffington Post!
(or, Die, WaPo, Die!)

If that donkey hopes to make any headway toward universal
health care, it's going to have to shed some of that big pharma
and insurance industry baggage.

Have you bashed a neoconservative today? You say
you haven't? Well, not to worry, the day's still young.

"Down in the valley, the valley so low
Hang your head over, hear the wind blow
Hear the wind blow love, hear the wind blow
Hang your head over, hear the wind blow."

"We've heard this story so many times before. At first,
you only dabbled with Band-Aids on the weekend.
Then before you realized what was happening,
you had passed through this gateway into
everyday use of full-fledged bandages--gauze,
surgical tape, methiolate and mercurochrome.
Now look at you! You're practically a mummy!"

Stop bogarting that cross, President Obama!
Make room for Sarah Palin, the latest avatar
of self-sacrifice!

If there's one new word we don't need in the
English language, it's 'Palinesque'. 'Grotesque'
is more than enough, thank you very much!

This chart shows how the price of oil began to behave
erratically after September 11, 2001. That's when
everything changed and Americans stopped trusting
in God and started trusting in Goldman Sachs.

As he promised, Dr. Obama is now ready to get
to the bottom of the Doughy Pantload Mystery.
If you're squeamish, turn your head.
Coughing is optional.

If Arizona sends Republican Jesse Kelly to
Washington, DC, in 2010 with enough ammo,
he promises to be the Last Man Standing
in Congress.

"If you were hunting for a genuine Gold Frog, sorry!
I'm just a Fool's Gold Frog."

"Sarah Palin is beloved by millions because her
rise suggested, however temporarily, that the old
American aphorism about how any moron can grow
up to be President or a columnist for the New York
Times might actually be true."

"The woman [Sarah Palin] is inarticulate, undereducated . . . .
She just begs for adjectives like flaky and wacky . . . . We're
talking about somebody who, right from the get-go, has been
a flashy person who gets into a lot of trouble and really has no
credentials for any job."

(Just think: if the McCain campaign hadn't prevented
Sarah from holding a press conference last fall,
everything might have turned out differently.)

Rep. Peter King's (R-NY) assault on Michael Jackson
runs the risk of alienating perverts, low lifes, child
molesters, pedophiles, teabaggers, and other
essential elements of the Republican base.

Even though Robert McNamara lived to be 93, the
Fog of War never lifted during his long lifetime.

Audra Shay, Candidate for Chairman
of the Young Republican National
Federation and Creator of the
Popular LOLcoons Facebook
Feature

"Hard to believe, but my suit was navy blue before
I got caught in that hellacious sandstorm."

"It's been seven days since the long-haired dude in
white duds said, 'Jackson, come forth'! Does anyone
know what's supposed to happen next?"

"I thought you said there was supposed to be 50,000
people for this here Southfork Tea Party."

"I was just speaking metaphorically."

"General Ripper, I'm beginning to worry
about Governor Palin."
"Me, too, Group Captain Mandrake. She's no doubt
showing the effect of the fluoridation of Wasilla's
water supply and the resulting impurities in her
precious bodily fluids."

For Andrew Sullivan to ask "Can A Nonbeliever Save God?"
is a clear sign of why today the only thing that separates a
'thong'

from a 'throng'
is the letter R.

I Remember Dubya #24
Whenever he bit his tongue, it was a sign Dubya
humbly acknowledged he was well-qualified to be
the Mayor of Woodward, Oklahoma (Pop. 12,000).

"Roll up, roll up for the mystery tour.
Roll up, roll up for the mystery tour.
Roll up WE'VE GOT EVERYTHING YOU NEED,
roll up for the mystery tour.
Roll up SATISFACTION GUARANTEED,
roll up for the mystery tour.
The magical mystery tour is hoping to take you away,
Hoping to take you away."

Things were going so badly for the GOP that even
elephants had decided to rebrand themselves.

Q: "Where did all the Tea Party protesters go?"
A: "Well, after they looked around and saw what a bunch
of wackaloons they all were, the Teabaggers decided,
as Groucho Marx once did, to never join any group
that would accept them as members."

Thomas Van Flein Identified as Alaska's
'Mysterious Suer Creature'

After summarily dismissing "9 Pieces of Analysis About
Sarah Palin's Decision That Are Flat-Out Totally Wrong,"
Mark Halperin tried to write one piece of analysis that
was flat-out totally right. But since he had no experience
doing that sort of thing, he didn't.

Q: "How can you tell if Charles Krauthammer
is dead or alive?"
A: "You can't.

There were days when gravity got the best of him.
Today was one of those days.

"Most people don't know this, but my soul mate has,
uh, really, uh, bad arthritis in both hands."

"The Mad Hatter expected 50,000 to attend the Southfork Tea
Party, billed as the largest in the country, but by mid-afternoon,
only a fraction of that number actually showed up."

As this backpacker will tell you, it would probably be a
good idea to avoid hiking in Afghanistan this summer.

Thomas Van Flein, Sarah Palin's attorney,
warns us to not defame the governor lest
we be sued. But what if she defames
herself? Will she then sue herself?

Got more money than you know what to do with?
Is it burning a hole in your pocket?
Would you like to pour it down a rathole?
Well, you know what to do, don't you?
Donate to SarahPAC!

Sarah Palin: a Shooting Star Crashing to Earth, or
the Dedicated Mother of a Wasilla Stormtrooper?

Uh, not quite. Dick Cheney hasn't quit yet. By contrast,
Sarah Palin is more like Richard Nixon in a dress, who
quit twice--first in 1962, then again in 1974.

"And that's when I saw Jonah's pantload.
Wowsers! It was so big and so doughy!"

"Dear Mother of God, how I HATE cranberries! And Ocean
Spray, you can go straight to Hell, preferably before
Thanksgiving!"

Crocodile Trying to Shed a Tear After Hearing
the Governor of Alaska Was Resigning

World Bank Chief Warns Against 'Protectionism';
"Just Look at What It's Done to My Face, for Christ's
Sake!" He Exclaims

Rainer Schroeder not only eats like a horse, but when he eats
a horse, he doesn't discard any of its parts, not even the shoes.

Sorry, but adjusting your computer display will
not bring Rick Moran into sharper focus. He's just
fundamentally out of focus and nothing can be
done about it.

"Left brain, could I put you on hold for a moment?
I have a call coming in from my right brain."