"Speaking strictly as a law professor and libertarian from

Tennessee, I have to say you have way too much hair

 on the top of your head."

“I think it’s dangerous, this glass warfare,"

said Mitt Romney.

Asterisks can spice up the most innocent of words. Take, for

example, 'f**k'. No, it's not at all what your dirty mind

is thinking.

Was purported straight shooter J. Edgar Hoover

really a cross-dressing sexual blackmailer? Or

was he just an Opticoid from Planet Singhtra?

The jury is still out.

"We’re very grateful for where we’re at right now. 

We think we are positioned perfectly right now.”

American Empire #54

The decline of the American Empire began when it was

 discovered that the 'Great Eye of Providence'  had

been dislodged from the apex of the Washington

Monument by the earthquake of 2011.

Don't ask, "What would Jesus do?" Jesus is too first century,

too 'Old School', the author of Every Day a Sunday. Ask,

instead, "What would Joel Osteen do?" He's 21st century,

'New School', the author of Every Day a Friday.

With his Amazon Prime membership, he now had free,

unlimited access to over 10,000 videos. Even if each

 were only one hour long and even if he were to view

 them nonstop from now on, it would take him over

59 weeks to watch all 10,000. That's when he

realized that he was the target of a big, gigantic 

global plot to waste his time, thereby preventing

him from discovering the cure for wingnut

thumbsucking.

If you're looking for a night of low-humidity entertainment,

why not book the Cadillac Desert Quartet for your next

political fundraiser! Composed of Trent Franks, Jeff

Flake, Jan Brewer, and John McCain, this freeze-dried

foursome can make a cow give evaporated milk and

persuade a plum tree to yield prunes. Just imagine

 what they could do to help mummify all those

dead presidents in the wallets of your donors!

Usher in the Vanguard of the Great

Spats Revival of 2011

Uri Geller could only bend spoons. 

Vladimir Putin can bend pans.

"They are saying, Prince Haakon, that the Nonwhite Horde

will soon outnumber us 2 to 1.  Maybe defunding Planned

Parenthood wasn't such a good idea after all."

Harry Reid Exercises 'Flying Disc Option' on Capitol Hill

Bottom Drops Out of Sarah Palin Market,

But Unemployment Holds Steady at 9.1%

If you're thinking about engaging in a bit of domestic

violence but don't want to get prosecuted for it, maybe

you should consider moving to Toperka, Kansas.

SpongeBong SquarePants

World's Worst Yoobs #106

Erin Burnett

"Hi, I'm Senator Scott Brown, and I know

when the people of Massachusetts have

to make a choice between my body and

Elizabeth Warren's, they'll thank God I

took my clothes off and she left hers on."

Carl Sandburg once described Chicago as

'The City of the Big Shoulders'. Were he to

describe Herman Cain, it would be 'The

Candidate of the Little Shoulders'.

"Of course I filled out the FEC 'Statement

 of Candidacy' form by hand.  Real men

don't type!"

"My doctor's diagnosis is that I'm

suffering from 'text neck'."

"That's odd.  My doctor told me the same

thing."

Florida State Representative Ritch Workman Explaining

What's It Like to Be a Mental Dwarf Tossee

The Vampire Squid is an unusual creature that can turn

itself 'inside out' to avoid predators when threatened.

Here we see it before it has been threatened. 

Here we see it after.

“You know if you’re a southern white guy, being intimidated

 by African-Americans, like Herman Cain, is part of your life.”

One way to approach the problem of theodicy is to ask:

Why has God allowed the Grinning Skull to live longer 

than Steve Jobs?

Harold Camping Predicts GOP Messiah Coming Soon

Nevada's GOP Primary Plan May Push Iowa Caucuses 

All the Way Back to December, 2010

"Occupy Wall Street is a criminal mob!

  Occupy Wall Street is a criminal mob!

   Occupy Wall Street is a criminal mob!"

Maria del Rosario Cayetana Alfonsa Victoria Eugenia

Francisca Fitz-James Stuart y de Silva, Age 85,

Cutting a Rug at Her Wedding

Tiger Woods Lands Endorsement Deal with Timex

"We have a right to make a profit.  It's in the Constitution."

Following Sarah Palin's announcement,

Professor Jacobson said:  "If you want

 to know how disgusting our own party is,

and what types of creeps have influence,

witness Erick Erickson. At a moment he

could have shown himself to be a mensch

 he showed himself to be a schmuck!"

Steve Jobs was proof that corporate CEOs don't necessarily

 have to be thieves, frauds, or greedy bastards.

The long nights of prayer and days of serious consideration

had taken their toll on Sarah.  She was now just another

aging member of the Over-the-Hill Gang.  Not even

Roger Ailes thought she was hot anymore.

"This is obviously the work of a photoshopper, for I

never touch any bill smaller than a franklin!"

Just seconds before he dozed off, Ben Bernanke said,

"Recovery is close to, uh, to . . . fal-ter-ing."

Regularity Uncertainty? That's called 'Diarrhea'.

Regulatory Uncertainty? That's called 'Bullshit'.

After his meeting with Donald Trump, Herman Cain stepped

outside and began to testify: "Don’t blame Wall Street, don’t

 blame the big banks.  If you don’t have a job and you’re not

 rich, blame yourself!"  And then he took up a collection.

"'Save a pretzel for the gas jets'?  What's that supposed

to mean, Rick Perry?  And if it means what I think it

means, there's no way I could endorse you for the

Republican presidential nomination!"

Warm Scuzzies #225

Magnablend, Inc.

Republican Jobs Plan A:

Tax Cuts for Corporations

and the Wealthy

Republican Jobs Plan B:

Tax Cuts for the Wealthy

and Corporations

 

Republican Jobs Plan C:

There Is No Plan C

Population Study Suggests Humans Are Still Evolving

Mitt Romney Says Lily, the New Sesame Street Poor and

Hungry Muppet, Is Example of 'Dangerous Class Warfare'

World's Worst Yoobs #105

Alison Kosik

Having said to Rupert Murdoch, "You show me yours, I'll

show you mine," Warren Buffett had to look really hard in

order to see the Last of the Saucy Aussie Whangdoodles.

Hank Williams, Jr. Sorry for 'Dumb' Obama

Comments, Skeezy Outfit

Historians Discover New Evidence Proving

Ronald Reagan and McGruff Were Playas

in Crypto-Socialist Underworld 

Glenn Reynolds' big appeal is that he's one of the best-known

victims of black race-card-playing politicians.