"Trashy Ads Crowded Us Out of Our New Home,"

TBogg's Basset Hounds Howled

"Hold on, hold on! I was only kidding about being

a Palestinian celebrating Hanukkah on the eve of

Day Six of Zappadan."

"Keep your chin up, Jason! You'll die so fast

you'll never know what hit you."

German Chancellor Discomfited by French President's

Gloss on Gustave Courbet's 'Desperate Neocon'

"There's a good reason why all hippopotamuses are overweight,

little one. But I'm too full at the moment to remember what it is."

"I distinctly remember hearing you say we were

going on a 'blimp tour', Congressman Paul!"

"We don't need to see your Visa card. We just need

to know which one of you is the hostage to fate."

Thanks to Froogle, this soldier from Napoleon's Grand

Army saved $70.00 on his Norelco SmartTouch-XL razor.

Doctors Hopeful Conjoined Twins Can Be Separated

Successfully; Surgery to Be Performed Before a Live

Audience at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas

Allegories for Our Time #5

Barry Bonds and the Glory of Baseball

Sad Episcopalians Vote to Secede from Gay Episcopalians

Veepenstein #20

Baron's Reanimation Experiment Stirs Controversy

On Cinco de Zappadan, Fearguth remembers driving the

Camino Del Rio, from Lajitas to Presidio, on New Year's

Eve, 1988, sipping cheap champagne, and grooving on

'Dinah-Moe Humm'.

Rudy Giuliani Questioned Concerning His

Shag Harbour Alien Keychain

Condi Rice Impersonator Exposed as Hugo

Chavez Mole in the Mickey Mouse Club

Cookie Finally Crumbles;

Howard Krongard Resigns as the State

Department's Inspector General

The only military force less feared than the Mexican Navy

is the Nicaraguan National Guard.

Just the day before, the unlucky backpacker had been told

the chances of a meteorite hitting him in the nose while he

slept were 1 in 182 trillion.

Oregon Balloonist Flies 193 Miles in Lawn Chair,

Complains about the High Cost of Onboard Snacks

"So which is it, Senator McConnell: are you saying

the lives of full-time professional soldiers are worth

less than the lives of draftees, or are you saying that

draftees aren't full-time professional soldiers?"

"Gold tie, diamond-studded cufflinks, manicured nails,

expertly-trimmed beard. You may be a hard-nosed

sonofabitch when it comes to torturing people, Mr. Rizzo,

but you're the most nattily dressed nominee to come before

this Committee in a month of Sundays."

Ratso got all huffy when someone asked if he was

related to John Rizzo, the Acting General Counsel

for the CIA.

"Hey Rizzo, you any kin to Ratso?"

"Gott in Himmel, stop calling me 'Beans' Haussler!

My name is HEINRICH!"

"Yep, another one of those war-addled chickenhawks.

Ship it to Iraq!"

If the U. S. didn't have such restrictive gun control

laws, you might find a rocket-propelled grenade

launcher under the Christmas tree this year.

Win the Mongolian Wrestling Championship,

win a sea bream.

Looks like what Hakan needs right now is some

Orajel Maximum Strength.

"And then I took those wascal CIA torture tapes

and cwushed them in my bare hands!"

On the eve of the Fourth Day of Zappadan, RAQ whipped

up some dragon lotion for their version of 'Dirty Love'.

Zappadan: Day Three

Fearguth Shows Up with an Old Book

"Isn't it amazing how I was able to explain my faith

by uttering the word, 'Mormon', only once? We in

the Inner Circle understand this. Those of you in

the Outer Circle don't."

"Like some fries with that ketchup, mate?"

"Murtha and Dingell march to the tune of Nancy Pelosi

to an extent I had not seen, frankly, with any previous

speaker. They are not carrying the big swinging dicks

I would have expected. I’m trying to think how to say all of

this in a gentlemanly fashion, but in the Congress I served

in, that wouldn’t have happened.”

"What you mean, 'Bush's credibility'?

That heap big oxymoron, Kemo Sabe."

"Iran is inclined to express a desire to obtain the knowledge to

be able to enrich uranium so that they might re-start their

program-related activities which could possibly produce a

nuclear weapon by 2013. Be afraid, America, be very afraid!"

Man Chastised for Badgering

His Wife's Beaver

"Dan Bartlett says right-wing bloggers 'regurgitate exactly

and put up on their blogs what you said to them'. Wouldn't

you agree, Mr. Hinderaker, that this sounds more like puking

than blogging? Uh ..... Mr. Hinderaker?"

White House Road Map to the Grass Roots

"I mean," writes Dan Bartlett, former counselor to
 President Bush, "talk about a direct IV into the vein of 
your support. It’s a very efficient way to communicate. They 
[right-wing bloggers] regurgitate exactly and put up on 
their blogs what you said to them. It is something that we’ve 
cultivated and have really tried to put quite a bit of focus on."

On the second day of Zappadan, President Bush went

nucular when he saw the Culture Ghost's Zappa collection.

Blank Slate #4
Top Stories from December 5, 2007

"Hitchcock's Secret"

"How 'Stairway to Heaven' Ruined Led Zeppelin"

"What Do the Cops Have on Me?"

"Should the Government Pay You to Lose Weight?"

"When Bad Movies Happen to Cute Animals"

"Why the Stink Over Pink"

Siblings in Tehran Wondering How Many Asses Stephen

Hadley Had to Kiss to Become President Bush's National

Security Adviser

After being taken to the woodshed for his dunderheaded

series on genetic IQ differences, Slate's William Saletan

published a semi-retraction. That's all well and good, but

it dodged the real issue, namely, how supercilious

intellectuals, like Saletan, play with explosive ideas

as if they were baby rattles.

Secretary Gates and General Petraeus Walking

the Green Zone Mile in Baghdad

Whatever you do, do not flatter Rick Stengel,

Time's managing editor. Why? Because he

wrote the book on it --- You're Too Kind:

A Brief History of Flattery.

World's Worst Jobs #68

Chinese Railroad Track Digger

"It's all a matter of perspective. If our plane wasn't so

close to the moon right now, it would look a lot smaller."

"What? The plane?"

"No, dummy, the moon!"

Fearguth's Rules of Order #3

Always mute your iPod when approaching

a monkey on a rope eating watermelon.

"Would you mind explaining how the Halfway

House for Neoconservatives ended up here, in

the middle of the NIE Railroad track?"