"I want a new conspiracy theory

One that won't make me sick

One that won't make me crash my car

Or make me feel three feet thick

I want a new conspiracy theory

One that won't hurt my head

One that won't make my mouth too dry

Or make my eyes too red

I want a new conspiracy theory

One that won't go away

One that won't keep me up all night

One that won't make me sleep all day

I want a new conspiracy theory

One with no doubt

One that won't make me talk too much

Or make my face break out."