Don't think for a moment that the space shuttle

is subject to any sort of speed limit.

No, it's those gopher tortoises
NASA is trying to slow down.

They picked up Pharaoh Ramses II

and moved him to a very noisy neighborhood.

That's when he finally got fed up and shouted,
"Goddammit! Move me to Giza where I can get some
peace and quiet!"

Stephen Harper, Canada's Prime Minister,

says his experience playing fireman as a

child makes him well qualified to play

fireman as an adult.

As the apartment high-rises in China have gone up,

the rivers in China have gone down. How many thirsty

Chinese will it take before the most populous nation

on earth uses its economic clout to purchase the water

rights to the Amazon River, which holds more than

one-fifth of all the fresh water on Earth?

Other than the smell, the world finger-pulling

championship is quite enjoyable.

Like the zipper and velcro, the comb is a marvelous

invention. Jack White, however, swears he's never

seen one.

Chancellor Merkel has something President Bush doesn't:

her very own private U-boat.

Israeli Soldier About to Be Ambushed by

Blindfolded and Handcuffed Palestinian

After John Howard, Director of the National Institute

for Occupational Health, Centers for Disease Control

and Prevention of the Department of Health and

Human Services, introduced himself to the U.S. House

Subcommittee on National Security, Emerging Threats and

International Relations, there wasn't enough time left at the

hearing to ask him where he found the orange moustache.

If you are thinking about assaulting a political

opponent, don't forget your water bottle.

General MacArthur After Another Successful Landing

in Inchon Harbor

Afghan Youth Fan of Funeral Home Fan

Tajikistani Leaf Blowers

It looked like the end for Taiwan's President Chen Shui-bian.

But, at the last moment, he whipped out his Capital One card.

Tony Blair will be remembered as the British Prime

Minister who went to bed with an inflatable cowboy

and woke up bushed.

Daffy Duck and his family are now living La Vida Loco in

Duckweed Haven, his gated pond in Beverly Hills.

You would like to give the hitchhikers a lift,

but you just don't have enough room in

your Ford Focus.

World's Worst Jobs #4

Lebanese Oil Spill Worker

He was told to turn off his cellphone.

Or else.

Well, he didn't.

More Americans Get Their Distorted History

From ABC Than From Any Other Source

As he testified before the Senate Judiciary Committee,

Secretary of Commerce Carlos Gutierrez thought,

“Vaporheads, repeat after me: there’s no such thing as an

‘illegal immigrant’. We all were thrown into this world and
we all will someday be thrown out. In neither case are legal
fictions relevant.”

Dispute Over Lunar Territory Settled Amicably

In addition to relaxing with his favorite pipe,

the UN peacekeeper was hoping he would have

time to catch up on his Proust.

If this fellow shows up at your front door,

don't forget to tell him you are a lifetime

member of the National Rifle Association.

During Unhappy Hour in Santiago,

Molotov Cocktails are 2 for 1.

When the first Italian Navy boat sailed into view,

the Lebanese immediately began to chill.

When George said, "I'm going to kick Saddam's sorry 
motherfucking ass all over the Mid East," Poppy knew that 
his son was the Kwisatz Haderach, the messiah who would 
eventually turn the entire Earth into a gigantic sand dune.

Women's Department Manager Says Dummy

Couldn't Have Lost What It Never Had

Unable to work out a satisfactory trade agreement with

the Chinese, the Swedish merchant ship Gotheberg adopted

a more direct approach to getting what it wanted.

Wouldn't it be fun to learn that a Scottish

Terrier is actually calling the shots in

Washington, DC, and that George Bush is

just an overpaid pooper scooper?

Only two members of the European Parliament showed up

for the debate on the Middle East. One said he was there

so he could maintain his perfect attendance record. The

other said it was a nice quiet place to take a nap.

When Karen Hughes whispered, "I want to suck you dry!"

every lonely hair on Karl's head stood at attention.

Why is it so easy to imagine John Negroponte and

Michael Hayden saying, "Jawohl, mein Fuhrer!"?

Knowing what Marilyn Chambers did behind the

green door, the mind boggles at what Paris Hilton

has been doing behind the red door.

After taking a good look at his Papa's honker, the

baby proboscis monkey vowed to never grow up.

As Sabine Azéma learned the hard way, never underestimate

Alain Resnais when he's challenged to a roll in the hay.

Pope Benedict Lands Bit Part in New Spätzli Western

When photographic proof was adduced, showing that a giant

arachnid posed a real threat to the space shuttle,

Wayne Hale, the program director,

tried to laugh it off.

Some intrepid photographer gives us a glimpse

of the rare and elusive grease monkey.

Tony Blair has become so unpopular in England that he

always has tea for two.

Karl 'Air Hunter' Rove shows how he shot

down the very last peace dove on Earth.

When time's sorrowful, weary wheel begins its next revolution,

Vice President Cheney will return to earth without his mask and

everyone will know that Dick is short for Dickhead.

Discrimination against people who wear maroon

jerseys is so cruel.

Ann Coulter After She Whipped Anorexia

Ferraris come in any color you want,

so long as it's red.

It suddenly dawned on Prime Minister Olmert that

he forgot to turn the iron off before leaving home.