What would you do if you were an albino alligator and were
 trying your best to live down the bad rap you got from a
cruddy movie released in 1996, eleven years before you
were born?

Q: What would Walt Whitman have said if he had seen

the American Enterprise Institute logo?

A: "I sing the body corporate."

When you see the 'Ho' watermark in the lower right-hand

corner of the picture, you know you're viewing a genuine

image of Michelle Malkin, not a counterfeit.

"Whose turn is it to run down to AutoZone? This

baby is going to need a new alternator."

"I've no idea when I'll be back up. Maybe over the weekend,

it depends. Funny thing is, the longer you aren't doing it,

the more you think about not bothering. But I suppose

ultimately you either want and need to do it for

various reasons, or not. I suspect I still do, though

one's perspective on it does shift when you do

without sex for a while."

Matt Cooper, formerly a reporter for Time,

has learned the hard way that if you see

Karl Rove headed in your direction, run

away as fast as you can.

Michelle Malkin's Pie Hole, the Orifice That Lets

Out All the Hot Air

Doug Feith sorta got roughed up by the Pentagon's

Inspector General, didn't he?

Michelle Malkin Moving Allahpundit to an Undisclosed Location

After Hearing Gunfire from William Donohue, the Great White

Hunter of Anti-Catholic Beasts

New Signage Developed to Help Creditors

Find Checks in the Mail

In a daring daylight raid, aerialists from Apple Corp., shouting

"Steve Jobs Rules!" have stolen the Windows logo from Microsoft

headquarters in Redmond, Washington.

As this woman from Turkmenistan demonstrates, one

of the best remedies for boredom is stacking lemons.

Ignignokt and Err Check In to Mooninite Grief Counseling

Center After Cartoon Network Chief Sacked

After testifying in the Scooter Libby trial, Tim Russert

has decided that waterboarding is the only method that

might work to get anyone from the Bush Administration

to tell the truth on Meet the Press.

"Hey buddy! I bet you don't know it's Zombie Pride Day."

"Hey buddy! Can't you tell I'm proud?"

"Hey buddy! If you were as proud as I am, you wouldn't be

reading that trashy Michael Crichton novel."

"The Office of Special Plans," says Doug Feith, "has been smeared

for years by allegations that its pre-Iraq-war work was somehow

'unlawful' or 'unauthorized' and that some information it gave

to congressional committees was deceptive or misleading. WMDs

were in Iraq and they still are; you just can't see them. And when

Saddam Hussein married Osama bin Laden, he gave his bride

the destruction of the World Trade Center as a wedding present."

Unlike Pinocchio, Mary Matalin's nose 
doesn't grow when she lies. Her ears do.

This blurry image of Doug Feith reflects the lack of 'granularity' in

the intelligence his Office of Special Plans supplied in the run-up

to the Iraq War. In other words, it should all have been taken with

many more grains of salt.

"Way cooler than Disneyworld!" exclaimed Jeff Kahn,

after he had been tasered just for the thrill of it.

Iraqi Police Commando Nabs Baghdad

Carpet Bomber

When Harry Potter grew up, he developed what

might be called a Pegasus obsession.

Unbelievable as it may seem, William Donohue,

President of the Catholic League, has been fired

for being pregnant. Asked who the Father was,

Mr. Donohue would only say He was 'Heavenly'.

Surfacing after having failed in his attempt to undermine the

John Edwards presidential campaign, William Donohue,

President of the League of Starnosed Moles, vowed today

to launch a nationwide public relations blitz to convince

voles, gophers, packrats, and prairie dogs that he is

better looking than the Predator.

"Be one of the first 500 to order our 100% organic

FungiFun Dildo for only $19.95, and we'll send you

a second one ABSOLUTELY FREE! Call now!"

When William Donohue speaks, his rhetoric is so

inflammatory the fire marshall insists that an

extinguisher be kept nearby.

If you have been casting about, trying to land

one good reason to become an anti-Catholic

bigot, you might bait your hook with some red

meat and wait for William Donohue to bite.

He's the President of the Catholic League for

Religious and Civil Rights and is a very big fish

in a very small pond.

The Right-Wing Noise Machine

Jonah Goldberg, February 8, 2005:

"I predict that Iraq won't have a civil war, that it will have

a viable constitution, and that a majority of Iraqis and

Americans will, in two years time, agree that the war was

worth it. I'll bet $1,000 (which I can hardly spare right now)."

Jonah Goldberg, February 8, 2007:

"I offered the bet in a foolish fit of pique with Juan Cole.

.... I've admitted that Cole would have won. I've written

that the Iraq War was a mistake. .... I join a long list of

people whose expectations about the war and its

handling turned out to be wrong in whole or in part. ....

For the record, I still support staying there, because

even if it was a mistake to go in when and how we

did, that doesn't mean a precipitous withdrawal

will make things better."

"Good evening. My name is Terry Moran, and I love
my brother, Rick, something fierce. I am very proud of
him, even though he's not nearly as famous as I am. In
no way do I endorse anything he writes, even when he praises
me with words, like, 'Well done, brother. And thanks'.
But I will never disavow him, even if he joins the

Ku Klux Klan. I will always defend him as an honorable
man, even if he is arrested someday for being a serial killer.
And I really don't care what anyone says about it. He is
my brother, and blood is even thicker than my hair."

In a fit of post-scalpum depression, Rick Moran

writes (re: the Amanda Marcotte affair): "Certainly our

motives lacked nobility. I will be the last to argue that

anything more than 'scalp hunting' animated this effort.

.... Is this all we are? Is this what we have become?"

Are there any answers to these rhetorical questions?

A guy named Rick is the proprietor of Rightwing Nuthouse.

What a Moran!

"I do believe that the president of Venezuela is really destroying his

own country economically and politically. Why else would his

countrymen have overwhelmingly re-elected him two months ago?"

Raking muck is dirty work, but somebody has to do it.

NASA spokesperson Shana Dale seemed to bite her

tongue after she was forced to admit astronauts aren't

superhuman beings from outer space.

Princess Summerfallwinterspring

Neolithic Ancestors of George Bush and Joe Lieberman

Uncovered by Italian Archaeologists

Why is the world ruled by old men with

gray beards? Why is the world ruled by

old men who wear hats to hide their

bald heads? Why is the world ruled by

old men who wear glasses to disguise their

myopia? Why is the world ruled by old

men who have ears filled with hearing aids?

Why is the world ruled by old men who

start wars for young men to die in?

Why is the world ruled by old men?

Aleksandra Lazarevic could see the sphere of human

happiness on the other side of the glassy wall. But,

like Tantalus, she couldn't quite put her hand on it.

If you ask a goalkeeper, like Alejandro Cichero, what his greatest

fear is, he would probably tell you it's being netted like a salmon.

"As I understand it," says Ben Bernanke, Chairman of the

Federal Reserve Board, "'blog amnesty' means you link

only to blogs you read regularly. Of necessity, this means

you would link to a relatively small number of blogs. Were this

to become the rule in the blogosphere, the link structure

Google and Technorati use to search for--and rank--blogs

would break down. In the near term, this means the only blog

you will read regularly will be your own, because it will be

the only one you can find. In the long term, this would mean

both good news and bad news for the economy."

The ladybug realized, but too late, she shouldn't have

accepted her rival's dare to land on the frozen rose.

"You might be tempted, gentlemen, to describe the

decor of this room as 'busy'. But I had the last guest

who said that flayed alive."

Doug Feith, former Deputy Undersecretary for Defense

Policy and director of the Pentagon Office of Special

Plans, now teaches at the Georgetown University

Walsh School of Foreign Service. He is waiting to

see if he will put the long-awaited Pentagon Inspector

General's report on the Office of Special Plans on his

reading list for his popular course in techniques

of faking intelligence.

"Who in his right mind, Mr. Bremer, would send 363

tons of cash, packed in wooden boxes, into a war zone?"

"Well, Congressman, I had to do that because The

Container Store had run out of large Translucent

Tote Boxes."

Senator Arlen Specter has learned a member of his

staff inserted a controversial provision into the USA

Patriot Act without his knowledge. "I did not slip it

in and I do not slip things in. I let my staff do that."

John Warner seemed pleased when told he would go

down in history as the first Senator to filibuster his

own resolution. He is also remembered as the first

Senator to marry Elizabeth Taylor.

Before Astronaut Lisa Nowak Went Into Orbit

After

David Broder strongly denies he lies for the money.

He says he lies because he enjoys it, and the

money is just icing on the cake.

Tower of Babel Collapses; Congressman Tom Tancredo

Thought to Be Buried in Multicultural Rubble