"Don't believe a word of what Mike Huckabee says about how

good squirrel chili is. Take it from me: it will harden your

arteries and soften your wedding tackle!"

"We are thrilled to add Bill Kristol’s distinctive voice to our

Op-Ed page,” said Andrew Rosenthal, editorial page editor

of the New York Times. "He is a captivating writer, a keen

observer of the political landscape, and an even better

speller than I was in the third grade."

"I'm thrilled to announce I have been hired by the

New York Times, an irredeemably second-rate

newspaper which should be prosecuted by the

Justice Department for gratuitously revealing

classified information."

Drudge Report Funnies #14

"Pope orders exorcism squads; tackle rise of Satanic streakers..."

A ДВАДЦАТЬ of Putins

World's Worst Yoobs #9

Pat Santy

Next Week on The History Channel

"The Most Unforgettable Character I Never Met:

Fearguth Reminisces About His Imaginary Encounters

with Benazir Bhutto, Daughter of Destiny"

Did you know 'Corpse Harvesting' now constitutes 50% of

Iraq's GDP? 'Corpse Planting' constitutes the other half.

The View from Ron Paul's Blimp After It Accidentally Strayed Off Course

Drudgery Report #4

Patrolling Oral Roberts University would be drudgery.

"I'll let you in on a little secret, Mr. President.

I'm crazier than a fish with titties!"

Is Nawaz Sharif the only thing left standing between

total collapse and utter catastrophe in Pakistan?

Fred Thompson's Road to the White House

Fearguth's Rules of Order #5

Wait until a monkey finishes its popsicle before

asking for an autograph.

"Playing with Toy Weapons 'Aids Learning'," Says the

Department for Children, Schools, and Families

It was her wedding day, and her husband had already lost interest.

Cow Jumps Over Moon, Lands Hard

Mike Huckabee, Gunhugger

"Let me outta here! I'm not a cat burglar! I'm a cat blogger!"

NRA Missionaries in Iran

"Is that you, Mama?"

Jackson and Dave, Dick Cheney's Dogs of War,

Awaiting Orders to Stabilize Pakistan

Jon Swift has finally published 'Best Blog Posts of 1707',

shattering the old record for delayed publication previously

held by Jonah Goldberg.

Two Ways to Smoke a Camel

#1

#2

Chris Matthews asks: "Does he have sex appeal? Can you

smell the English Leather on this guy, the Aqua Velva,

the sort of mature man's shaving cream, or whatever,

you know, after he shaved?"

On their return trip home, the Three Wise Men took a

wrong turn and ended up in Portugal.

Joe Klein could blame his deficiencies as a journalist on the

fact that his wife, Victoria, is a witch. But we all know that

belief in witches began to go out of fashion in the 18th century.

So, it seems Joe will have to find a more modern excuse, like,

for instance, "I write for Time magazine."

Tiger Escapes from ExxonMobil Zoo,

Wreaks Havoc Worldwide

"The Clutching Hand says 'Our most basic

civil liberty is the right to be kept alive'."

"I agree!"

"So do I!"

"Me, too!"

"It definitely has the ring of truth!"

"Absolutely!"

"Yeah, it's even more soul-stirring than 'Better Red Than Dead'!"

"Sorry, guys, but I'm so moved I'm about to shed

my first crocodile tear!"

Blank Slate #5

Top Stories from December 26, 2007

"There Will Be Oscars"

"A Brief History of the Yule Log"

"Stop Picking on Kwanzaa"

"Why Doesn't Anyone Read Dante's Paradiso?

"Why Giuliani Can Never Get a Cab in New York"

"My Brief Career As a Drag Queen"

"Which imperialist country do you work for, mister?"

Mitt Romney's experimentation with LDS in his early 20s

may explain why he now has flashbacks to things that

never happened.

After the polar ice cap melted, Santa moved his

operation to the Caribbean.

Rush Limbaugh claims he's "part of the Cape

Girardeau-Middle America Axis." You'll notice

he didn't say "Cape Girardeau-Middle Class Axis."

Making $35 million a year, even Rush would have

a hard time swallowing that, his big mouth

notwithstanding.

McNaughty Comet Shaking Its Tail for You

During this holiday season, remember:

drinking and perching do not mix.

Santa's Helpers, the Reason He's Such a Jolly Old Elf

"Señor Santa, the children are beginning to suspect that

you enjoy chasing sleighs more than bringing toys."

Republican boomers in Iowa are falling like dominoes for

Mike Huckabee

because he reminds them so much of one of their

favorite cartoon characters.

Piece of Shit Lying on the Floor

Lying Piece of Shit on the Floor

Sean Hannity and Rudy Giuliani, Cheap Tools

"Don't buy cheap tools, thats how you get

yer knuckles busted."

Fearguth has been tagged by the author of this immortal line.

As taggee, he reiterates

Da Rulez

1. Link to the person that tagged you, and post the rules on your blog.

2. Share Christmas facts about yourself.

3. Tag seven random people at the end of your post,

and include links to their blogs.

4. Let each person know that they have been

tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

Welcome to the Christmas Edition of "Getting to Know Your Friends"

1. Wrapping or gift bags? "E-mail gift cards require neither."
2. Real or artificial tree? "What tree?"
3. When do you put up the tree? "See #2."
4. When do you take the tree down. "See #3."
5. Do you like egg nog? "Yum!"
6. Favorite gift received as a child? "First bike, a J. C. Higgins."
7. Do you have a nativity scene? "Can't remember. Too young at the time."
8. Worst Christmas gift you ever received? "Brilliantine hair oil."

9. Mail or email Christmas cards? "Neither. Sent link to

'I've Been Scrooged' and "Go Elf Yourself" online animations this year."

10. Favorite Christmas Movie? "Elf."
11. When do you start shopping for Christmas? "Shopping? No comprende."
12. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? "Food."
13. Clear lights or colored on the tree? "See #4."
14. Favorite Christmas song(s)? "Here Comes Santa Claus."
15. Travel at Christmas or stay home? "Stay home."
16. Can you name all of Santa’s reindeer? "Does Rudolph count?"
17. Angel on the tree top or a star? "See #13."
18. Open the presents Christmas Eve or Christmas Morning? "What presents?"
19. Most annoying thing about this time of year? "December."
20. Do you decorate your tree in any specific theme or color? "See #17."
21. What do you leave for Santa? "Which one?"
22. Favorite ornament? "See #20."

As tagger, Fearguth has selected:

I Beati

American Street

The Aristocrats

Zen Comix

Milsabor

Welcome to Pottersville

A Big Fat Slob

"Yep, we definitely need bigger wings if we

hope to ever get this sucker off the ground."

The Unexpurgated Bible #8

"There were dinosaurs in the earth in those days; and

we were in our own sight as grasshoppers, and so we

were in their sight."

Blitzen to Retire After 185 Years of Service;

"He Will Be Missed," Santa Says

CIA Faulted for Giving Bad Intelligence to Britney Spears'

Sister Regarding the Ins and Outs of Pregnancy

The Unexpurgated Bible #7

"But the day of the Lord will come as a thief in the night;

in the which the heavens shall pass away with a great

noise, and the elements shall melt with fervent heat,

the earth also and the works that are therein shall be

burned up. But many bloggers won't notice it, for they

will have taken the weekend off."

Define Paris Hilton in Ten Words or Less.

"A Hank of Hair and a Piece of Bone."