Sarah Palin has been sleeping with a secessionist

for years and has five kids to prove it.

Palin Around with an Errorist

If you see little Starbursts coming through your computer

screen right now, it's a perfectly normal experience and

doesn't mean you are suffering from autoerotism,

like Rich Lowry.

The recent discovery of Palinese brings the total number of

languages in the world to 4,501.

For an instant, O. J. thought he heard the voice of Howard

Cosell. But then he remembered that his co-host on Monday

Night Football had been dead since 1995, the same year he

had been cast in the starring role of the infamous 'Trial of

the Century'.

All those years of running through airports

had finally caught up with the Juice.

Justice Delayed Is Justice Denied, Except in O. J.'s Case

Unimpressed by his Charles Atlas impersonation, the jury

found O. J. guilty on twelve counts of armed robbery

and kidnapping.

Sarah Palin All Set to Reveal Her 'October Surprise'

"Hey, America! Did you notice my flag pin is three times

bigger than Senator Biden's? And, doggone it, how do you

like the way my winks are making American males sit up a

little straighter on the couch? And what about my smile?

Isn't it sparkling and mesmerizing? Can't you just see little

starbursts coming through your TV screen and ricocheting

around the room right now? Debates are so awesome,

aren't they?"

If you still had the special plastic screen and your magic

crayons, you could have relived some of your favorite

moments of Winky Dink and You during last night's

vice-presidential debate.

"No, no, Little Sarah, it's not 'You Betcha!'

It's 'You Betchum, Red Ryder!'"

Gwen Ifill: "What is your Achilles Heel, Governor Palin? What

is it for you, Senator Biden? Start with you, governor."

Sarah Palin: "'Twas brillig and the slithy toves

Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:

All mimsy were the borogoves,

And the mome raths outgrabe."

Gwen Ifill: "Thank you, Governor Palin. Senator Biden?

"Here's the deal. Write a pro-McCain piece and you get two

bags of chips. Write a balanced McCain piece and you get

one. Write an anti-McCain piece and we throw you out of

the plane at 30,000 feet."

Victoria was disappointed to learn that Michelle Malkin's

reaction to the vice-presidential debate was 'Sarah Rocks!'

Nobody comes close to John McCain's impression

of a 'Low Information Voter'.

'Lardon' (rhymes with 'hard-on') is a strip of stiffened

pork inserted into a piece of tough meat to make it more

tender, easier to chew, and less difficult to swallow. That's

what the Senate leadership used to get the financial rescue

package passed 74-25.

If they ever hold a Mr. Alaska contest, Ted Stevens will be

the winner, hands down. Nobody represents that Welfare

State better than he does. Nobody.

Governor of Alaska Near the Top of Latest

Drudge Report Daily Tracking Pole

If you are planning to watch the vice presidential debate

tonight, the most important thing to remember is this:

Snoring Kills!

As it grew older, the bird would have gladly traded its

reputation as a hard-partyin' night owl for a good

night's sleep.

What's up with female conservatives

and red pumps?

Confidence Man

"Where do you go to school?"

"SMU."

"Where?"

"Southern Methodist University. You know, the

school with a library built in honor of the most

unpopular President in American history."

"Oh, that SMU."

There was a simple explanation for the puzzling expression

on John McCain's face. He was looking at

Cindy.

Sarah Sixpack and her husband made a quarter of a million

dollars last year. That's five times the median household

income of the 7,000 residents of Wasilla. Sarah Sixpack

and her husband live in a custom-built, half-million-dollar

house, worth three times the average value of the other

houses in Wasilla. That's not PBR in Sarah's sixpack.

That's Stella Artois.

Word on the street is that when she is asked a question

she doesn't want to answer in the vice presidential debate,

Sarah Palin will pull out her flute and play a few measures

from 'The Homecoming', the number she performed at the

Miss Alaska talent competition in 1984.

Someone needs to ask the Governor of Alaska, "Sarah, do

you remember the day when you chose to be a heterosexual?

And what arguments on that day did you find the most

persuasive in making your decision?"

Q: "Why is Sarah taking so long in the restroom?"

A: "She's catching up on the nation's 1,452 daily newspapers.

She reads all of them, you know."

What's Willow Palin doing on the campaign trail in Ohio?

Shouldn't a thirteen-year-old girl be in school right now?

After his success in bringing back the real Lazarus,

Jesus turned his attention to John McCain.

Asked whether he's always been covered by government

health insurance, John McCain replied, "I've never been

an astronaut but I know the challenges of space." And

then he lifted off.

Herd Mentality Rules in Financial Crisis

Strong Bad McCain says: "If I were dictator, which

I always aspire to be."

Will cat food be available in Post-Apocalypse America? If not,

what would this portend for the future of cat blogging?

Another twenty-five American soldiers died in Iraq

in September. That brings the total number of American

soldiers who have been killed and won't be able to join

John McCain in celebrating America's victory in the Iraq

War to 4,176. Their Hip-Hip-Hoorays will definitely

be missed.

"As we waddle along through life, my webfooted friends,

let us never forget the Seven Stages of Grief: (1) Egg,

(2) Duckling, (3) Daffy Duck, (4) Lame Duck, (5) Dead

Duck, (6) Duck Soup, and (7) George Bush."

Main Street America Angry Over Credit Crisis;

Residents Blame Walt Disney, Norman Rockwell,

President Eisenhower

“What I am saying to you now has not been said by any Israeli

leader before me. The time has come to say these things. First,

George Bush is a political eunuch. Second, I quit!”

"Ayeee! Someone stole my Ding-a-Ling!"

If it's beer hoisting and bosom heaving you seek,

why not take time out for Oktoberfest?

For most people, there's a difference between 'questions' and

'gotcha questions'. But not Sarah Palin. To her, all questions

are 'gotcha questions'.

Bank Collapses Under the Weight of Exceptionally Silly Name

President Showing Symptoms of Hooveritis Recumbens

Bar Lowered for Vice-Presidential Debate

The only Supreme Court decision Sarah Palin knows by name

is Roe v. Wade. One might think she would also know Bush v.

Gore, the decision that got us into the mess she's now 
promising to rescue us from.

Dusty Foggo, former Executive Director of the CIA,

has copped a plea. In exchange for pleading guilty

to one charge of wire fraud, 27 other counts against

him were dropped. As an avid poker player, Dusty

always knew when to hold 'em and when to fold 'em.

BAILOUT FAILS --- STOCKS PLUNGE

Dow Loses 777 Points After Vote;

Loss Hailed by Matt Drudge as the Luckiest

Stock Market Plunge Ever;

Karl Rove Does the Numerology, Predicts

Republican Landslide in November