Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld and Secretary of

State Rice weren't on speaking terms. That was evident.

But what they didn't know was that they were being

filmed for a TV infomercial about how people can get

rich quick by finding all the loose change hidden in

the average American couch.

Tom DeLay's downfall has been traced

to the day he got carried away and said,

"Sieg Heil, Orkin Man!"

Written all over the Senators' faces was an

unmistakable message: "We don't have the

foggiest idea of what to do about illegal immigration.

And even if we did, rest assured we would do our dead

level best to turn it to partisan advantage. "

"Just between you and me, Joe, your chances for re-election

to the Senate would be much better if you ran as a political

outsider, like, say, 'the Lindsey Graham from Connecticut'."

Touching your upper lip with the end of your nose

is called 'gurning', a talent most politicians lack.

That's why they aren't offended by the smell of

what they say.

A slice of cheesecake, measuring 75 feet by 110 feet, was

spotted in the Nevada desert yesterday by drooling Googlers.

The Illustrated Man

married the Illustrated Woman.

Their first child was a Little Green Freeper.

Seismometers worldwide now confirm

that Mandisa Hundley was indeed

voted off American Idol.

Jesus said that "no man can serve two masters."

Well, this guy obviously doesn't read his Bible much.

According to the latest AP/Ipsos poll,

almost two-thirds of the American people

think the Bush Administration stinks.

Some industry analysts say this explains

why clothespin manufacturers are reporting

unprecedented demand for their product.

In China, the government says that only

bad Catholics have anything to fear from

anything said inside one of the new

Invisible Third Wall Confessional Booths.

After Tory leader David Cameron reproved,

rebuked, and exhorted "fruitcakes, loonies

and closet racists" in the UK Independence

Party, Ukip members parked a tank outside

the Conservative Party's spring conference in

Manchester, demanding an apology for the remarks.

Cameron didn't apologize, but he did join the

National Rifle Association of the UK.

Frank 'The Fox' Figueroa, former head of

Operation Predator and ICE special

henhouse guard, pleaded no contest Wednesday

to exposing himself to a 16-year-old girl

in an Orlando mall.

Dog Declassifying on Hot Rod

"There is a difference between declassifying and leaking.

When a reporter goes to the john, he leaks. When the

President goes, he declassifies."

Stephen Caracappa's career opened as

a detective in the NYPD. It closed as

a hit man for the mob. He could handle

the conviction for his criminal activity.

But what he couldn't handle were thesnide remarks about his overcoat.

Even Cinerama couldn't have captured

the enormity of Louis Eppolitto and his crimes,

the former NYPD detective who ended his

career as a hit man for the mob.

This is Professor Ward Churchill. From the right,

he looks like the offspring of an illicit relationship

between Godzilla and the Creature from the

Black Lagoon. From the left, he looks like a guy

who needs to get a haircut, lose some weight, and

wear a white sport coat with a pink carnation.

When David Horowitz spoke at the Academic Freedom
Conference, he was happy to see that his twin,
Ward Churchill, was fading out of the picture.

As the people of Iraq enter the Neoconservative Age,

we are reminded of the central paradox of human life,

namely, that religion is both the Elixir of Life and

the Draught of Death.

Yep, astronomers have discovered another goddammed

ring around Uranus. You just gotta scrub a little harder.

Even as a small boy, Scott McClellan honed the

skills he would use later as a spokesman for

President Bush.

If you've heard of Ben Shapiro, you're spending

too much time at the bottom of the food chain.

Chinese Big Brother

American Big Brother

Superman wears a cape. Batman wears a cape.

Captain Marvel wears a cape. Pope Benedict wears

a cape. But Bob Incredible doesn't wear a cape.

That's because he, unlike the other Superheroes, had

enough sense to get married. And Helen, his wife,

knows capes are impractical.

In a show of prestidigitation reminiscent of Harry

Houdini, the President proudly displays the panties

that, just moments before, had been worn by the

lady to his right.

"So what if I used sensitive intelligence data for

political gain! You shouldn't forget my guiding

principle is, 'What Would Nixon Do'?"

Hoe Fetishist Rush the Rake to Undergo

Full Frontal Limbaughtomy

Before you can say, "There's something wrong with

my Guidant Ventak Prism Automatic Implantable

Cardioverter Defibrillator system!", you die.

In this fragment from The Gospel of Judas,

George says to Scooter: "You will exceed

all of them. For you will sacrifice the man

that clothes me."

Meredith Vieira Blocks The View,

Looks Forward to Today

In testimony before Congress today, Treasury

Secretary John Snow was optimistic about

everybody's job prospects, except his own.

As they planned their Three Stooges Revival

Tour, Joe, Bill, and John couldn't agree

on who would get to play Curly.

Nick Lampson, Democratic candidate for the House

seat vacated by Tom DeLay, tried to hold a press

conference today. Instead, he was mobbed by the

cast and crew of the new straight-to-video comedy,

Goon Squad.

Ehud Olmert's sweeping gesture knocked Shimon

Peres over like a tenpin.

Energy Secretary Samuel Bodman was miffed when

someone joked that dumping him--and not nuclear

waste--in Yucca Mountain would be a Win-Win proposition.

Ordered to wreck Nick Lampson's press conference this

morning, DeLay supporters started roaming the streets

like zombies straight out of Dawn of the Dead.

As this photo of Cardinal Francis George

shows, if you go without sex for too long,

you turn into a Conehead.

"That's quite a woodrow you got there,

Ken."

Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper was

reluctant to shake hands with an Average Joe.

A Sign of the Times

When he discovered somebody had put Krazy Glue in

his chair, Mexico's President Vicente Fox was not amused.

Just seconds after this picture was taken,

the giant saucer abducted everyone in the room.

Who would've guessed that bumperstickers

were just a gateway to the really hard stuff?

Phil Spector was convicted today for

getting an outrageous blowjob.

10 SECONDS: The Pain Begins

15 SECONDS: You Can't Breathe

20 SECONDS: Your Head Explodes

Brainscanners

There's a numpty in them thar hills!