Congressman Barton wanted to play the 'Here's the Church'

finger game, but something told him his hands were out

of position.

"Look at my face and tell me I'm not a South Carolina cracker!

I dare you!"

"You have to understand that the people of West Virginia

elected me Senator because they only like Democrats

who have undergone a transparty operation, like I have."

"It all began when I noticed how so many people were

taking me seriously as a candidate for political office. That's

when I started to realize the United States of America was

going down, even faster than I had ever imagined.  And,

believe me, I have a very powerful imagination!"

If your glass is half full and your neighbor's

is half empty, do everything in your power

 to empty his half into yours. That way, at

least somebody will have a full glass.  As

Ayn Rand has taught us, one full glass is

always better than either two half-full

 or two half-empty glasses. 

"Male liberals? They're the new castrati! By contrast,

the old castrati---from whom, I'm proud to say, I have

descended---were conservatives!"

"Sure I look doofusy!  I'm the CEO of 3M for

crying out loud!"

"For the most part, my body is pretty much like everybody

else's.  This, for example, is what is called the 'Head'."

"France is now saying that Operation Odyssey Dawn could

take days or weeks  or months or years.  Good thing we

found this couch."

John Samuels is a GE vice president and senior

counsel for tax policy and planning.  If you could

afford to hire him, you, like GE, wouldn't have

to pay any taxes.  In fact, if everybody could

afford to hire him, nobody would have to pay

taxes, and we would all now be living happily

ever after in Libertarianland.

"A lot of people talk to themselves.  I'm

different:  I don't just talk to myself;

I lobby myself."

Coming Soon to a Theatre Near You #53

War of the Colossal Beast 2: Bring Me the

Head of the Hairdresser!

Oxymorons for Our Time #92

Athletic Scholarship

Prehistoric Texans, the Bushmen of Buttermilk Creek,

May Have Been First Humans in U.S.

President Obama recently named Jeffrey Immelt, CEO of

GE, to head the Council on Jobs and Competitiveness.

At the time, the President said, "He understands what it

takes for America to compete in the global economy."

Apparently, what it takes is for GE to make $14.2 billion

in profits in 2010 and to pay $0 in taxes.

Warm Scuzzies #165

Jeffrey Immelt

Fearguth's Hall of Wackos #286

Don Haase

Unhappy Camper

Douglas Hampton, Former John Ensign Love Triangle Aide,

Indicted on Seven Criminal Counts for Post-Senate Lobbying

Activities Orchestrated by Senator Ensign

Oxymorons for Our Time #91

Honorable David Prosser

Tim the Enchanter

Tim the Disenchanter

Warm Scuzzies #165

Carlos Lam

Plato, Missouri---whose 74 residents live in a cave---is the

new demographic center of the United States.

Get this:  the Texas House of Representatives just passed

 a Voter ID bill using a novel technique called 'Ghostvoting',

whereby legislators cast their ballots not only without

showing ID but also without even showing up.  The stink

of irony that day must have been as a sweet savour

in the nostrils of the God of Irony.  

Rightbloggers Lining Up to Say the Presidency

Would Be a Step Down for Sarah Palin

"Hey, I hear Ginni Thomas has landed a new gig."

"Yeah, she's gone to work for Tucker Carlson

as a 'correspondent' for The Daily Canoodler."

'No Spitting' Signs Now Being Erected to Forbid Spitting

on 'No Spitting' Signs

Why are anti-government forces in Iraq and Afghanistan

called 'insurgents', while those in Libya are called 'rebels'?

It used to take longer for Newt Gingrich to flip-flop on issues.

He's been doing it for so long, however, he can now switch

 from one side of an issue to the other in two weeks or less.

"In the name of almighty God. I pledge I will sacrifice my

last breath, my last bullet, my last drop of blood, and my

last child in order to keep our news fair and balanced."

"Yes, Jennifer, I had one of my best breakfasts ever this

morning at the hotel, a fitting prelude to what has turned

out to be another lazy, hazy, crazy day here in Tripoli."

Canadians Bash Seals, Canadian Club

Bashes Seal Cartoons

Colonel Gaddafi Blowing Kisses to Boeing,

Raytheon, ConocoPhillips, Occidental,

Caterpillar, and Halliburton for Making

Him a Very Rich Man

Warm Scuzzies #164

Andrew Wakefield

Cleopatra VII Philopator, the last Pharaoh of Egypt, has died.

Although, while alive, she never disclosed her age, it is widely

believed that she was born in late 69 BC.

Asked why she lost in 2008, Palin snapped, “I wasn’t the top of

the ticket!" When asked why she lost in 2012, Palin snapped,

"I was the top of the ticket!"

Fearguth's Rules of Order #47

If you ask an orangutan what it thinks about a

tomato while it has one on the tip of its tongue,

expect a different answer when it doesn't.

"Curves?  What a waste of space!"

"What's that, dear?"

"Oh, it's just the New York Times' new paywall."

"What a relief!  For a moment, I thought it was

the most singular automobile accident I've

ever seen!"

Sure, Laurence Meade had been evicted from his Troll House

at Lawyers, Guns, & Money, but he still had Ann Althouse,

the hottest Robert W. & Irma M. Arthur-Bascom Professor

of Law at the University of Wisconsin, to suck his happy face.

"When you are waging war wholeheartedly, as you once did

in Afghanistan and Iraq and as you now are in Libya, why,

Professor Reynolds, are you always sitting down?"

James O'Keefe has $50,000 in credit card debt.  Don't you

think it's about time he called Freedom Financial Network

@ 1-888-808-4440?

"So, what'll it be tonight, Silvio?  'Bunga-Bunga' or

"Cowabonga, Buffalo Bob!'?"

"Road pizza?  I LOVE road pizza, especially

those thin-crust armadillos you find in the

middle of Texas highways!"

Before he returned to this world as a voyeuristic

 reptile, Dr. Emilio Lizardo had never believed

in the Pythagorean doctrine of the 'Trans-

migration of Souls'.

If you wish to sell a war to a liberal, don't call it a 'war'. 

Call it a 'humanitarian intervention'.

Mark your April calendar now for three important events:

April Fools' Day, Tax Day, and the publication of

Sharron Angle's autobiography.

The Libyans appreciated the $31 million F-15 aid package,

but they didn't know quite what to do with it.

Muammar Gaddafi and Silvio Berlusconi Finalize New

Libya/Italy 'Bunga-Bunga' Pact