Fearguth has been loafing too hard lately. So it's time

for him to dance his ass off on Jam Cruise 6. He'll

return online January 10.

Republican Willard 'Mitt' Romney said Wednesday that

if elected President he and his wife will not embarrass the

nation by their conduct in the White House as happened in

the Clinton years. "There could be, however, a few

more rats running around, " he added.

Just before a plagiarizer wearing explosives blew himself up

Wednesday at a checkpoint in the city of Baqouba that was

manned by Sunni Muslims allied with U.S. forces, he was

heard to say, "I regret that I have but one life to give

for my country."

This Palestinian woman couldn't decide whether to send

a Thank You note to Fatah or to Hamas for remodeling

her home. So she sent one to both.

Giuliani Airlines Flight 911 Hits a Patch of Rough Air

Response to News That the United States Spends More

on Its Military Than the Rest of the World Combined

"Sure we're scared! We know al-Qaida chicks

when we see them!"

When approaching an Erogenous Zone, don't forget

to wear your hard hat.

"There's absolutely nothing genuine about Ed Rollins.

Even his teeth are false."

"If I had my way," says Ed Rollins, Huckabee's campaign

manager, "I would drop to my knees and fire at the groin

of Mitt Romney. When he fell, I would then kick him in

the teeth. It's like being a boxer when you're young. To me,

hitting somebody, knocking somebody down, is a great feeling."

"When the barber said, 'Shave and a haircut, six bits', I

thought I had died and gone to Arkansas."

Aliens Walk Among Us

"One night at a slumber party with my homeboys,

I fell asleep while trying to make shadow animals.

When I awoke, I had become the leader of Hamas, but

I still couldn't make a shadow rabbit worth a damn."

Noah hadn't warned the Ironman Triathletes, so

the Great Flood caught them completely by surprise.

"He's got every turtle here in His hands,

He's got every turtle there in His hands,

He's got every turtle everywhere in His hands,

He's got every turtle in the whole goddam world in His hands!"

One of these days, the inheritors of Cindy Sheehan's socks

will probably make a fortune selling them on eBay.

Rich Old White Men Call for a

'Government of National Unity',

a New Vision of the Body Politic

"Before you order, Sis, be sure you read the 'Eight

Educated Consumer Rules for Purchasing Hoodia'."

"You are getting very sleepy, pussycat, 
very sleepy."

"If they call you 'water pig', my child, just ignore them. You are

a capybara, descended from a noble family of capybaras."

Turning was easy. Deciding which way was the hard part.

He had partyed hearty New Year's Eve. Now it

was time to get some shuteye.

"Father, thank you for a new year.

And, uh, please don't forget me on

January 3."

George Bush Trounces Al Gore Again, Wins Coveted

Golden Duke Award

If you like the outdoors, drinking, and fondling firearms--but

not hunting--maybe you should consider becoming a biathlete.

Lord Black of Crossharbour Sentenced to 6 1/2 Years

of Writing on the Walls of His Prison Cell,

"I Wipe My Ass with the Daily Telegraph!"

In Germany, the pig is a traditional symbol of good luck

at the beginning of a new year. Kissing a pig will bring

you even better luck, but it has to be on the mouth.

"My only New Year's Resolution is to do my best to reach

maturity without becoming Eel Florentine on Pinch

Sulzberger's table."

"O Lord, how thankful I am my last name isn't

Coonrod, Lipschitz, Pujol, Sidebottom, or Cocks."

Old Year Greets the New

Rudy Giuliani Wins Benito Mussolini

Lookalike Contest for 2007

Boy Detained for Plucking Last Blade of Grass in Afghanistan

As the Apostle Paul said, "Faith cometh by hearing."

That's why atheists wear earplugs.

Generally speaking, zebras tend to think in terms of black

and white. But ever so often, there comes along a zebra who

is capable of thinking in terms of the whiter shades of pale

and the paler shades of white. Such a zebra wonders about

Heidegger's concept of 'Geworfenheit', which leads it to ask:

"Why was I thrown into the world as just another zebra

instead of a magnificent thoroughbred and a Triple

Crown winner like Secretariat?"

Get the New York Times delivered to your doorstep for only

$6.40 a week. But there are two good reasons to leave it there:

first, it's the bad acid you've been warned about, and second,

it will make your neighbors think you are so rich you can afford

to take really long trips.

There are days when even 'the still small voice' is way too loud.

Things to Avoid #13

Rickshaw Pullers Who Enjoy Singing in the Rain

"Are They That Afraid Of Bill Kristol?" asks Ed Morrissey.

No, but they are that afraid of someone who says, "Oh,

my stars and garters!"

Buffalo at Play in Mickey Kaus' Favorite Watering Hole

The Politico Illustrated #4

"Huck feels the heat"

Hearing-Impaired Gay Scoutmaster

"We have views on our Op-Ed page," writes Andrew Rosenthal,

"that are as hawkish or more so than Bill Kristol's. Take the

views of Swainson Hawke, for instance."