When the last one fell, the Domino Theory of

the Vietnam War was vindicated at last. There

it was: the flags of the United States and Vietnam

encased in an ice sculpture, the centerpiece of

a state dinner where the President of the United

States and the President of Vietnam buried the

hatchet in Jane Fonda.

"Just between you and me, Rush," whispered Justice Thomas,

"Tony Scalia is looking and talking more and more like Lou

Costello. And now he's pressuring me to start acting like Bud

Abbott. That's just crazy, don't you think?"

President Bush has appointed this man, Dr. Eric Keroack,

to be Deputy Assistant Secretary for Family Planning

Programs at the Department of Health and Human Services.

Problem is, this doctor opposes family planning, the mission

of the programs he will oversee. In case you're wondering,

the light you see in his eyes is coming from a flashlight pointed

at the back of his head.

Without warning, two of the specimens in Guenther von
Hagens' Body Worlds exhibition sprang to life, 
exclaimed "Gotta go!" and sprinted toward 
the men's room.

"Listen, young man," reasoned the old Palestinian, "the

latest archaeological and textual evidence shows that

King David was a second-rate potentate with a

first-rate publicist. That's all I'm trying to say."

"Oh God!" Condi thought. "I've had my legs crossed

for so long they've gone to sleep. If I try to stand up

right now, I'm gonna fall flat on my ass!"

"Rehab me, O Lord, but I beg Thee to not turn me

into either a car dealer or a shoe salesman!"

President Bush and Prime Minister Howard

Don Identical Neckwear to Symbolize Stronger

Ties Between the United States and Australia

Upon learning only 31% of the American people approve

of the way he is handling the war in Iraq, President Bush

began to grin from ear to ear. "Could be worse," he quipped.

Would it be fair to say this young Congolese

has Jeanne-Pierre Bemba on his mind?

Volcanologists Announce Discovery of

the Gates of Hell

Members of the Virginity Pledge Movement

Takin' It to the Streets

"Take that, you Gregorian chanter!"

Stripped of his 'Brainy Englishman' disguise and covered

in the common clay of America, Andrew Sullivan has

begun his long penance for seeing the world upside

down during the early years of the Bush Administration.

Thanks to generous contributions from Republican donors,

construction of the George Walker Bush Presidential

Library is reportedly under budget and moving right along.

The difference between Khagendra Thapa Magar, the

world's shortest man at one foot eight inches, and

Xi Shun, the world's tallest man at seven

feet nine inches, is seventy-three inches.

{This meets your Recommended Daily

Allowance for factoids.}

Just moments after Ali Larijani, Iran's chief

nuclear negotiator, swore that his country

had no intention of enriching uranium for the

purpose of building nuclear weapons, a power

failure left the room in which he was speaking

pitch black--except for Larijani, who glowed in

the dark like a floorshow at a firefly convention.

"Tell me, Big Dog, is, uh, ... Is Hillary a goer, eh?

Know whatahmean, know whatahmean, nudge

nudge, know whatahmean, say no more?"

Picture this: one hundred ladies in London's National

Portrait Gallery demonstrating one hundred ways to wear

a Multiplunge Wonderbra.

Hanoi Jane

Hanoi George

Gazing down from on high, Ho Chi Minh smiled inscrutably at

the sight of the President of the United States being regaled in

Hanoi, one stop on his Vietnam Quagmire Tour.

Chinese Unveil Six-Story, 5000-Ton Mobile Home

"Singapore?" the President mused. "They can sing but

they're sure ain't pore, heh, heh!"

"Oh," replied Ms. Matalin, "on one of his good days,

it's about this long when fully erect."

This well-known Moral Leper claims the

Vatican espouses "a one-world philosophy that a

lot of secular-progressives ... really believe, that no

country has a right to ban anybody or stop anybody

from doing anything." In other words, Bill O'Reilly

still hasn't forgiven the Pope for failing to stop him

from committing those mortifying loofah sins.

It was cranberries and more cranberries, as far as

the eye could see. Yes, their annual pilgrimage to

the Thanksgiving Table was well underway.

And then Karl said unto his disciples,

"Lo, I will be with you always, even unto

the end of the Bush Administration."

General John Abizaid is the General William Westmoreland of

our time, except he hasn't yet been named Time magazine's 'Man

of the Year', as Westmoreland was in 1966. "Just give me another

4-6 months, and Iraq won't be another Vietnam. Promise."

Jackie Bibby, the 'Texas Snake Man', has set a

new world record by upchucking ten live Western

Diamondback Rattlesnakes in just 12.5 seconds.

Borat Falls for Marsupial, Dumps Luenell

"Look, honey, it's the Putins! I sure hope they

haven't already heard all my new fart jokes."

Representative Steny Hoyer, candidate for House Majority

Leader, denies that his dog has been trained to irrigate the

Honorable John Murtha Fire Hydrant.

Senator Trent Lott, the new Republican Minority

Whip, was not amused when a reporter asked

if there was any truth to the rumor that his party

was changing its name to the Dixiecan Party.

Smoking a cigarette, carrying a bag of swag,

hanging out with a strange woman, pigging

out at the pizzeria: is this the Santa Claus

we knew and loved as kids?

Weighing three pounds, this alba white truffle

recently sold at auction for over $160,000. What

a fool the buyer must be! For the same money, he

could have purchased over 231,000 cans of

Campbell's Cream of Mushroom soup.

"Yeah, Pooty Boy, my approval rating has dropped

to 31%. How's yours doin'? By the way, have

you ever noticed you have two right feet?"

"My, my, my!" enthused the German Chancellor.

"What BIG guns you have, boys!"

Where the Pinhead of the Hellraiser Movie Series Lives

A common misconception is that burqas are only

worn by women.

What Inspired W. C. Fields to Make

The Fatal Glass of Beer

Have you seen the new spring collection from the 
House of Welk? Here's one of the most 
forward-looking designs,

'Bubble Machine Boogie Woogie'.

When the going gets tough, the tough whip out their

tallywhackers and flail at will.

At first, Tom Noe thought he could figure

up in his head how old he might be when

he gets out of prison. But he finally gave

up and turned to the calculator he once

used to shortchange the taxpayers of Ohio.

In the opinion of most well-informed orangutans,

the outlook for daily newspapers is pretty bleak.

Convicted on 29 of 41 counts for various illegal activities,

Ohio GOP fundraiser Tom Noe will have many years to

celebrate Orange Jumpsuit Week.

Senator Mel Martinez, incoming RNC chairman, gazes

back to the future and sees--gasp!--Jack Abramoff.

Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson says watching

$20 bills is more exciting than watching

Martha Stewart on the prowl.