Saturday, November 18, 2006

When the last one fell, the Domino Theory of
the Vietnam War was vindicated at last. There
it was: the flags of the United States and Vietnam
encased in an ice sculpture, the centerpiece of
a state dinner where the President of the United
States and the President of Vietnam buried the
hatchet in Jane Fonda.
"Just between you and me, Rush," whispered Justice Thomas,
"Tony Scalia is looking and talking more and more like Lou
Costello. And now he's pressuring me to start acting like Bud
Abbott. That's just crazy, don't you think?"
President Bush has appointed this man, Dr. Eric Keroack,
to be Deputy Assistant Secretary for Family Planning
Programs at the Department of Health and Human Services.
Problem is, this doctor opposes family planning, the mission
of the programs he will oversee. In case you're wondering,
the light you see in his eyes is coming from a flashlight pointed
at the back of his head.
Without warning, two of the specimens in Guenther von
Hagens' Body Worlds exhibition sprang to life, 
exclaimed "Gotta go!" and sprinted toward 
the men's room.
"Listen, young man," reasoned the old Palestinian, "the
latest archaeological and textual evidence shows that
King David was a second-rate potentate with a
first-rate publicist. That's all I'm trying to say."
"Oh God!" Condi thought. "I've had my legs crossed
for so long they've gone to sleep. If I try to stand up
right now, I'm gonna fall flat on my ass!"
"Rehab me, O Lord, but I beg Thee to not turn me
into either a car dealer or a shoe salesman!"
President Bush and Prime Minister Howard
Don Identical Neckwear to Symbolize Stronger
Ties Between the United States and Australia
Upon learning only 31% of the American people approve
of the way he is handling the war in Iraq, President Bush
began to grin from ear to ear. "Could be worse," he quipped.
Would it be fair to say this young Congolese
has Jeanne-Pierre Bemba on his mind?
Volcanologists Announce Discovery of
the Gates of Hell
Members of the Virginity Pledge Movement
Takin' It to the Streets
"Take that, you Gregorian chanter!"

Friday, November 17, 2006

Stripped of his 'Brainy Englishman' disguise and covered
in the common clay of America, Andrew Sullivan has
begun his long penance for seeing the world upside
down during the early years of the Bush Administration.
Thanks to generous contributions from Republican donors,
construction of the George Walker Bush Presidential
Library is reportedly under budget and moving right along.
The difference between Khagendra Thapa Magar, the
world's shortest man at one foot eight inches, and

Xi Shun, the world's tallest man at seven
feet nine inches, is seventy-three inches.
{This meets your Recommended Daily
Allowance for factoids.}
Just moments after Ali Larijani, Iran's chief
nuclear negotiator, swore that his country
had no intention of enriching uranium for the
purpose of building nuclear weapons, a power
failure left the room in which he was speaking
pitch black--except for Larijani, who glowed in
the dark like a floorshow at a firefly convention.
"Tell me, Big Dog, is, uh, ... Is Hillary a goer, eh?
Know whatahmean, know whatahmean, nudge
nudge, know whatahmean, say no more?"
Picture this: one hundred ladies in London's National
Portrait Gallery demonstrating one hundred ways to wear
a Multiplunge Wonderbra.
Hanoi Jane

Hanoi George
Gazing down from on high, Ho Chi Minh smiled inscrutably at
the sight of the President of the United States being regaled in
Hanoi, one stop on his Vietnam Quagmire Tour.
Chinese Unveil Six-Story, 5000-Ton Mobile Home
"Singapore?" the President mused. "They can sing but
they're sure ain't pore, heh, heh!"

Thursday, November 16, 2006

"Oh," replied Ms. Matalin, "on one of his good days,
it's about this long when fully erect."
This well-known Moral Leper claims the
Vatican espouses "a one-world philosophy that a
lot of secular-progressives ... really believe, that no
country has a right to ban anybody or stop anybody
from doing anything." In other words, Bill O'Reilly
still hasn't forgiven the Pope for failing to stop him
from committing those mortifying loofah sins.
It was cranberries and more cranberries, as far as
the eye could see. Yes, their annual pilgrimage to
the Thanksgiving Table was well underway.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

And then Karl said unto his disciples,
"Lo, I will be with you always, even unto
the end of the Bush Administration."
General John Abizaid is the General William Westmoreland of
our time, except he hasn't yet been named Time magazine's 'Man
of the Year', as Westmoreland was in 1966. "Just give me another
4-6 months, and Iraq won't be another Vietnam. Promise."
Jackie Bibby, the 'Texas Snake Man', has set a
new world record by upchucking ten live Western
Diamondback Rattlesnakes in just 12.5 seconds.
Borat Falls for Marsupial, Dumps Luenell
"Look, honey, it's the Putins! I sure hope they
haven't already heard all my new fart jokes."
Representative Steny Hoyer, candidate for House Majority
Leader, denies that his dog has been trained to irrigate the
Honorable John Murtha Fire Hydrant.
Senator Trent Lott, the new Republican Minority
Whip, was not amused when a reporter asked
if there was any truth to the rumor that his party
was changing its name to the Dixiecan Party.
Smoking a cigarette, carrying a bag of swag,
hanging out with a strange woman, pigging
out at the pizzeria: is this the Santa Claus
we knew and loved as kids?
Weighing three pounds, this alba white truffle
recently sold at auction for over $160,000. What
a fool the buyer must be! For the same money, he
could have purchased over 231,000 cans of
Campbell's Cream of Mushroom soup.
"Yeah, Pooty Boy, my approval rating has dropped
to 31%. How's yours doin'? By the way, have
you ever noticed you have two right feet?"
"My, my, my!" enthused the German Chancellor.
"What BIG guns you have, boys!"
Where the Pinhead of the Hellraiser Movie Series Lives

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

A common misconception is that burqas are only
worn by women.
What Inspired W. C. Fields to Make
The Fatal Glass of Beer
Have you seen the new spring collection from the House of Welk?
Here's one of the most forward-looking designs,
'Bubble Machine Boogie Woogie'.
When the going gets tough, the tough whip out their
tallywhackers and flail at will.
At first, Tom Noe thought he could figure
up in his head how old he might be when
he gets out of prison. But he finally gave
up and turned to the calculator he once
used to shortchange the taxpayers of Ohio.
In the opinion of most well-informed orangutans,
the outlook for daily newspapers is pretty bleak.
Convicted on 29 of 41 counts for various illegal activities,
Ohio GOP fundraiser Tom Noe will have many years to
celebrate Orange Jumpsuit Week.
Senator Mel Martinez, incoming RNC chairman, gazes
back to the future and sees--gasp!--Jack Abramoff.

Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson says watching
$20 bills is more exciting than watching

Martha Stewart on the prowl.