Once again, it looks like you're going to be left holding the bag.

So what'll it be: paper or plastic?

He was tired of being played for a sucker until the day

he realized that was his raison d'être.

Journalists Showing Proper Deference to Sarah Palin

at Her First Press Conference

Things Older Than John McCain #15

Charles Keating

McCain Surrogate's Reaction When Asked

to Appear on the Rachel Maddow Show

Donald Trump's Hair Switches Support

from Hillary Clinton to John McCain

Snowjob Squareglasses Zooms to #1 on Nickolodeon;

Spongebob Squarepants Threatens to Drown Himself

"'Opening up the health insurance market to more vigorous

nationwide competition, as we have done over the last decade

in banking, would provide more choices of innovative products

less burdened by the worst excesses of state-based regulation.'

Hmm, I wonder what fool wrote this? Let me see, it says right

here . . . 'John McCain'. Oops! Oh well, that was yesterday's

McCain. Today's a bright new day!"

Is that an article from The New American on

Councilwoman Sarah Palin's desk? Yes it is.

Is The New American the magazine of the

John Birch Society? Yes it is. Wasn't the John

Birch Society founded in 1958 by Robert Welch?

Yes it was. Didn't Robert Welch write a book

entitled The Politician? Yes he did. Wasn't

the thesis of The Politician that Dwight David

Eisenhower was a conscious, articulate agent

of the Communist Conspiracy? Yes it was.

Wasn't Dwight David Eisenhower President

of the United States? Yes he was.

Hoovervilles during the Great Depression were not

gated communities.

Today they are, thanks to President Bush
and the Republican Party.

What if you were promised one trillion one-dollar bills on the

condition that you had to count them first at the rate of one

dollar per second. Do you know how long it would take you to

count them? Approximately 12,684 years! Today, America's

taxpayers were encumbered with a $1 trillion bailout of our

financial sector. Luckily, that's only about $3,333 for every man,

woman, and child in the United States today. You can count that

high in less than an hour. So start counting and stop your bitchin'!

Charles Krauthammer believes that, in another fifty years,

George Walker Bush will be viewed by historians as favorably

as Harry S. Truman is today. Charles will only be 108 when

the verdict of history comes in, and, with luck, it will coincide

with George's 112th birthday so the two can celebrate with

cake, punch, and reminiscences about the good ol' days

of Shock and Awe.

"Privatize the profits and socialize the losses?

Are you trying to make a monkey out of me?"

This winter, chili pepper insulation could save

you up to 15% on your energy bills.

Three Stooges Reunion Tour Gets Big Wall Street Sendoff

Cat Replicating the Sound of Sarah Palin's Voice

"I like you kids a lot, but I'm really beginning

to miss Joe and Lindsey."

Laura Ingraham Sends Signal of Confidence to Financial

Markets, Refuses to Wave Her Arms in a Girly Fashion

McCain on Spain Goes Mainly Down the Drain

"The Governor of Alaska says she's 'going to Washington, D.C.,

to shake things up!' Well, I'm Bambi's mother, and I can tell

you she sure shook me up---and look at me now!"

Chairman Mao-Mao and Her Flak Catchers

In the argot of pornography, this is called the 'Money Shot'.

God! how the Director of the FBI hated to open his mouth,

especially when he had to open it under oath.

"From here on out, Senator, if someone with a Spanish accent

asks you a question, just say, 'Hasta la vista, baby!' and run away."

Things Older Than John McCain #14

Battleship Maine

His boss had so bollixed the matter of the Prime Minister

of Spain that Randy Scheunemann was beginning to have a

hard time keeping straight in his own mind the differences

among Zapatero, Zapata, Zapato, Zapatistas, Zappa, and

Zappadan.

Was it a noose tightening around O. J.'s neck,

or was it just his imagination?

Although he had been on the Supreme Court for 22 years,

Justice Costello still didn't know who's on first.

According to a purloined copy of the Invincible (McCain's

secret code name) Playbook, the Senator will change his

persona each week between now and November 4. This week

he is Huey Long. Next week he will be Teddy Roosevelt. And

the week after that, he will be Rambo, followed by The Gipper,

Rooster Cogburn, and Mr. Smith.

Things Older Than John McCain #13

Popeye

World's Worst Yoobs #24

Megan McArdle

"Here's an easy way to remember the difference, Senator.

Latin America is mostly in the Southern Hemisphere and the

people who live there are largely brown or black. Spain is in

the Northern Hemisphere and the people who live there are

as white as Republicans."

"The fundamentals of the economy are American workers.

Yes, my friends, we're all fundamentalists now."

Lady Lynn Forester de Rothschild is not an elitist. Furthermore,

she, a bleach blonde with a Master's Degree in Ebonics, would

never vote for an elitist like Barack Obama. Never!

If he were the chairman of the Chinese equivalent of 

our Securities and Exchange Commission, Christopher Cox 

would be required to commit suicide at midnight, at dawn, 

and then again at noon.

Taxpayer Trapped Inside AIG Bailout Waiting to Be

Rescued by Captain America

All That Remained Following the Death Match Between

'Regulator' McCain and 'De-Regulator' McCain

"I'm so happy to meet someone with such a genuine smile.

You remind me so much of me."

Chris Cillizza Says Matt Drudge Rules in His Neighborhood

Not only is Sarah Palin a pit bull with lipstick.

She's also a woman with real balls.

Originally, a 'maverick' was an unbranded beeve. Now that

John McCain has been branded as a liar, he can no longer

be called a 'maverick', can he?

"So what if Sarah Palin's knowledge of foreign policy

is no more than an inch deep! That's twice as deep

as mine was when I ran for President in 2000!"

"Greetings, fellow revolutionaries! Thanks to Comrades Gramm,

Bush, and McCain, everything is going according to plan. Like

Comrade Lenin says, 'We will not have to attack the United

States. It will fall into our hands like an overripe fruit'."

Rubber Chicken Delivering Homily

Against Negative Campaigning

Even the founder of Marxism was skeptical about the AIG

bailout, the most radical government intervention

in private business in American history.

The reaction to Carly Fiorina's being 'disappeared'

from TV by the McCain campaign was dramatic.

Defending her remarks that Sarah Palin is not qualified 
to be the CEO of a Fortune 500 tanning salon, top McCain 
adviser and former HPCEO Carly Fiorina says she doesn't 
think John McCain, Barack Obama, or Joe Biden could 
run a tanning salon either.

If you want to fool your friends into thinking you're
the outdoorsy type, like, say, Theodore Roosevelt,
use a tanning bed. Sarah Palin does, and she's already
dreaming of the day her bronzed visage appears up
there with the Bull Moose's on Mount Rushmore.

What's even more amazing about John McCain's creation

of the Blackberry is that he did it without ever using his

'tortured fingers'.