"No, Mr. Davis, I don't need someone to fuck up my

campaign for President of the United States. I just

need someone smart enough to program my remote."

Before the Great Crash of 2008, there were many

Croesus Monkeys on Wall Street.

Profile in Greed

"Major Stryker here, Commander McCain! We're ready to

surge to the White House, sir, as soon as you give the order

to execute Plan L, M, or whatever letter we're up to in the

goddam alphabet!"

If Rafael Nadal can fly 127 miles per hour without a rocket

suit, can you imagine how fast Commando Cody was flying

in Radar Men From the Moon?

According to a McCain campaign aide, Sarah Palin wiggles her

nose like a rabbit when she begins to "go rogue" in one of her

public pronouncements. "I think she really enjoys wiggling her

nose and wants to go even more rogue," he added while nibbling

on a carrot.

Team McCain is now kicking itself for spending too much

on Sarah Palin's makeup and too little on Ashley Todd's.

The Day Vogue Editor Anna Wintour Didn't Get the

Memo Re: 'Cancellation of Palin Fall Collection'

After Ann Althouse took 'an explicit vow of cruel neutrality',

even close friends got her confused with Jim Lindgren.

JOE THE PLUMBER 'SCARED FOR AMERICA' IF OBAMA PREZ;

AMERICA 'SCARED FOR PIPES' IF JOE'S THE PLUMBER

"Ya know, Cindy, I've always believed the whiter the better.

Maybe I was wrong."

“Thank God, Governor Palin is not going to have to be
President from day one. Or day two. Or day three. Or . . . ."

And that's when they removed their brown shirts.

People are so dissatisfied these days they aren't

even satisfied with the Satisfaction Chart.

Police began to doubt Ashley Todd's story when the college

Republican from Texas said she thought the attacker who

scratched a backwards B on her cheek was dyslexic.

Young Republican at Play in What Josh Marshall Calls

the "Mighty Cauldron of Fetid McCainite Sleaze"

During the first two weeks of October, the McCain campaign

spent $22,800 on Sarah Palin's hair and makeup. You would

think at $1,628.57 a day, they could make her look more like

Aishwarya Rai-Bachchan or Laetitia Casta.

If you were an investment banker, it wasn't a good time

to be seen on Wall Street.

He knew he shouldn't have eaten that last habanero.

World's Worst Yobs #54

Tony Perkins

First, he resigned. Then, he was fired. What's next

for Scott Bloch, former head of the DOJ's Office of

Special Counsel? Defenestration?

"I'm free, I'm free, and freedom tastes of reality!"

“But, you see, my friends," the Senator said,

"the Governor needed clothes at the time.”

The straw that finally broke the camel's back was when Senator

McCain said you could plant enough corn in the furrows in

President Bush's forehead to feed a family of four at Taco Bell.

President Bush was beginning to suspect that not even the

Secret Service could keep Mad McCain at bay.

"The outfit I wore the night John was nominated at the
convention cost over $300,000. Compared to me, Sarah
Palin is a Target shopper!"

Bumper Sticker Seen on Tony Scalia's Limo

Drudgery Report #7

Having to monitor the Drudge Report

every day would be drudgery.

With all of his secret plans to capture Osama bin Laden,

eliminate corruption and greed on Wall Street, prevent a

terrorist attack on the U. S., and balance the budget in four

years, Senator McCain would be the ideal guest for a very

popular TV show of the 1950s.

“Did I say 'liberals hate real Americans that work and achieve

and believe in God'? At first I thought I didn't say it. Then I

couldn't recall saying it. Now I think I never thought I didn't

say it. And tomorrow? Well, I probably won't remember what

I'm saying right now."

Michael Chertoff says a change in U.S. President may spur

a terror plot. Or it may not. Either way, be afraid.

"Is this all the Associated Press has for me these days---

'Sprinkles' Sidoti and a box of frigging donuts?"

Anyone who is persuaded to vote for a presidential candidate

on the basis of 15-second TV ads is probably the same person

who likes to watch the Miracle Blade III slice through wall

tiles, hard rubber, and copper pipe.

Keeping Our Republican Presidents Straight

"I am not Dwight Eisenhower."

"I am not Richard Nixon."

"I am not Gerald Ford."

"I am not Ronald Reagan."

"I am not George H. W. Bush."

"I am not George Bush."

"In short," writes Chris Cillizza, "like him or hate him, Zippy

remains VERY much in the mix as a 2012 candidate."

"Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, Senator McCain,

but The Politico says the cavalry ain't coming!"

Hardball Host's Reaction When Michele Bachmann Said,

"Chris Matthews Laid a Trap, And I Walked Into It."

If Rush Limbaugh's Tribalist Theory of Voter Motivation

were true, why hasn't Condi Rice endorsed Barack Obama?

Mr. & Mrs. Joe Twelvepack

The source who told the New York Post last week about

Michelle Obama getting lobster and caviar delivered to her

room at the Waldorf-Astoria (even though she wasn't even

staying there) must have been under the influence of

Rupert Murdoch.

The accusation that Joe the Plumber gets $400 haircuts

does seem to be a bit over the top, don't you think?

Republican Party to Donate Expensive Shoes to Charity

While Governor Palin Still in Them

Joe the Plumber and Tito the Builder Assail Jesus the Carpenter

for Endorsing Barack the Do-It-Your-Selfer

What's wrong with a world where $150 million can be raised in

one month for a political campaign while Afghan refugees are

begging for a bowl of porridge?

Coming Soon to a Theatre Near You #6

The Irreducibles

On November 4th, They Want McCain to Win