"When your grandparents were in school back in the

 1950s, they called what you're doing 'Duck and Cover'."

"And you know what's even funnier?  Those nimrods 

at the Boston Herald are talking about Ann running 

for the Senate!"

"Yes, Secretary Clinton, at 7' 2", I was simply

too tall to fail."

Barack Obama as Barry the Kid in 

The Left Handed Gun

If your name does not appear on the

NRA's 'Enemies List', this does not

mean you are necessarily a nobody.

It could mean you are accidentally

a nobody.

Sean Hannity to Co-Star with Jayne Mansfield in

Remake of Promises! Promises!; New Version 

Rumored to Include All-Nude Sign of the Hump-

back Couch Walrus Waterboarding Scene

The Kaufman county assistant DA who was shot and 

killed outside the courthouse was carrying a handgun 

at the time.  Just like in the B-Westerns, where 

virtually everyone is armed, the good guy with a 

gun sometimes gets bushwhacked.

"Relax, honey, it's just our new babysitter."

Warm Scuzzies #366

Mayor Dave Bing

Scott Bqhatevwr Decides to Steer Clear of 

Massachusetts U.S. Senate Race

“One of the Democratic Party's favorite ways to increase 

its power is by creating programs that dispense subsi-

dized government benefits, such as Medicare, Social 

Security, and outright welfare (Medicaid, food stamps, 

subsidized housing, and the like).  And it's not the 47% 

Mitt Romney warned us about.  It's the 51%."

Fearguth's Hall of Wackos #466

Jason Rapert

The Beyoncé Knowles robot is a 

perfectionist and practices until

its feet start leaking oil.

"Evidence-based world?  Shitfire!  That's not for me!"

Roy Cohn could hardly believe his eyes.

Tail-Gunner Joe was back!

Most countries in the world have 'Departments of Defense'.

Why don't they also have 'Departments of Attack'?

"I am not on Cruz control!  I'm Big Bad John!"

Fearguth's Rules of Order #55

Always use extra shunscreen if you ever say anything 

critical about Israel, the 51st state.

Chris Culliver Sez:  "I don’t do the gay guys man. 

I don’t do that. No, we don’t got no gay people 

on the team, they gotta get up out of here if they 

do.  Can’t be with that sweet stuff. Nah … 

can’t be … in the locker room man. Nah.”

[Sounds better if accompanied by someone

singing, 'Yield Not to Temptation'.]

Sex Doll Heads Expressing Nonverbal Concern about 

the Future of Ron Jeremy's Porn Stache

"Like Karl Lagerfeld, the fashion Nazi,

I, too, hate Michelle Obama's bangs!"

To tell the truth, Bill Kristol is really pretty much 

afraid all the time.  That's why he's a neocon.

Missouri Republican Legislator Introduces Bill to 

Require First-Graders to Take NRA-Conducted

Course on What to Do When They Come Across

an Unsecured Miss Kitty AK-47

Stacey Campfield Sez: "The act of homosexuality

 is very dangerous to someone's health and safety.

If you see it at school, call OSHA immediately!"

Blank Slate #12

Top Stories from January 31, 2013

"Data: a Love Story"

"Could a Bachelor Ever Win the Presidency?"

"Hemingway Probably Didn't Write That 

Famous Six-Word Story"

"A Defense of Anne Hathaway"

Wayne LaPierre is right, you know.  Absolutes do exist, 

especially Absolute Idiots.  Take Wayne, for instance.

High Tea

Low Tea

He had always been skeptical about reincarnation, 

transmigration of souls, and metempsychosis.  That is,

until he saw Ted Cruz.  And then he realized that Texas

had---accidentally or on purpose---elected Liberace 

Redivivus to the United States Senate. 

Gayle Trotter Says Only Mothers Armed with AR-15s

at Home Can Stop Zontar, Not Female Soldiers Armed

with AR-15s in Combat on the Battlefield

Judge Rules Zygote Has Second Amendment Rights;

Glock Now Developing MicroPistol

McCain Goes Off on Hagel's Under-Eye Bags

Shifty-Eyed Frenchman Rumored to Be Less than 

Enthusiastic about Freedom Fries

If National Review is to be believed, those Latino roofers

who just re-shingled your house 1) are hostile to free

enterprise, 2) are low-income, 3) are on the government

 dole, 4) were likely born out of wedlock, and 5) voted

for Barack Obama.  Republicans they will never be,

so embrace your Inner Whiteness and Rightness 

ever harder.

Huckleberry P. Closetcase

[The P stands for Pissypants.]

Iran Threatens to Launch Megamonkey Attack on Israel

Whither the GOP:  NeoJindalism or PaleoRyanism?

More Americans died from domestic gunfire between

1968 and 2011 

than have died in all our wars combined.

Why forward?  Why not backward?

That's where the Garden of Eden,

Arcadia, and the Big Rock Candy

Mountain are.

How it harshed her mellow when she heard 

that cats kill billions of birds a year.  Could

it be that, deep down, she, too, was a cold-

blooded killer?

Oxymorons for Our Time #147

Truth in Advertising

World's Worst Yoobs #130

Gayle Trotter

"And just how long, Senator Rubio, would you say 

'The Path to Citizenship' is?  Is it measured in feet,

meters, rods, stadia, furlongs, miles, or light-years?"

Nehemiah Griego's late father, a Christian pastor, taught

 his son to be a law-abiding citizen.  He also taught him

to appreciate guns and how to shoot.

Flag Desecration #63

David Brooks Builds a New Wing of the

Republican Party

Although he is no longer a pinko, Roger L. Simon 

still dresses like one when he talks about taking

over Hollywood.

Sweating Mitch McConnell Says Liberals Are 

Infiltrating Conservative Groups in Kentucky, 

the Kick-Ass State

World's Worst Yobs #276

Toby Young