Nancy Pelosi tried to run the Brazos de Cristo play at Netroots Nation,

but she was stopped at the line of scrimmage and forced to punt.

"I, George Walker Bush, President of the United States,
bear true witness to all to whose eyes these presents may
come (whom God,our Lord, honor and preserve from evil),
that on the nineteenth day of the month of July of the year
two thousand and eight, I arrived in Houston, Texas, to
commence private fundraising in the exclusive River Oaks
neighborhood for the purpose of defending our homeland
against cold-blooded killer Democrats."

Do you sometimes get the feeling the world is passing you by?

NoToPope Coalitionists Coalescing

On his 90th birthday, Nelson Mandela remembered when President Reagan supported the apartheid government in South Africa and labeled the African National Congress a notorious terrorist organization. The memory made his day.

"Long time no see, daddy-o! Gimme some skin!"

You can always tell the rank of a Saudi official

by the number of black gold halos he wears.

We're familiar with the market's Invisible Hand.

But that's just one hand. The market has two.

Evolutionists now concede that Ken Ham and dinosaurs

may have walked the earth at the same time.

RNC Fights Use of Elephant Logo by CafePress,

Claims Dilution of Ruined GOP Brand

A measure seeking to commemorate President Bush's years
 in office by slapping his name on a San Francisco sewage plant 
has qualified for the November ballot. Opponents of the measure
 say the plant is much too 'useful' to be named after Bush. "It
 would be sorta like calling Dick Cheney an 'asshole'," a
 spokesman for the opposition says. "At least the anus
 serves a useful purpose."

We've all heard of 'market discipline'. This is how it works.

"Would it be accurate to say, Senator McCain, that you waited

until now to throw the co-chair of your campaign under the bus

because there were too many of your former advisers already

under there?"

Blanka Vlasic Teaching Journalists How to Bend Over

Backwards to Avoid Liberal Bias

Sure, someone had let the cat out of the bag.

But the dog wasn't complaining.

What happens if you reverse 50 years of artery plaque but

are only 40 at the time? You die, like this fellow did.

Not even a Bushism escaped his lips when Nancy told him,

"Bless your heart, George, you're such a total failure."

Authorities Believe Father of Bat Child to Be Dark Knight

While the Netroots Nation Convention is going on here

in Austin, Michelle Malkin and her friends are holding a

shadow convention across town. What they're calling it isn't

exactly clear: the 'RightOnline New Media Summit',

'Defending the American Dream--Texas Summit'

are two variants you'll find online. The program features

appearances, in addition to Michelle, by such rightist

luminaries as Robert Novak, John Fund, and Grover

Norquist. The convention is being held in the

Renaissance Hotel (the Dark Ages Motel was

apparently already booked for the weekend), and the

registration fee is only $59 (which includes free bus

transportation to and from Austin). So, if you're

looking for some comic relief on these warm summer

days, you might want to check it out.

The Joker, Patron Saint of Wingnut Comedians

Fake or forced expressions are often more

pronounced on one side of the face.

Hillary Prepares to Distance Herself from an Anti-Obama Supporter

The new Speedo LZR Racer Suits are so frictionless that

swimmers complain of constantly slipping out of the water

and into thin air.

"Let us heed the voice of the Prophet, when he says,

'Judge not, for the ass you cover may be your own'."

"Good evening, Senator! Welcome to Chez Solitaire!

Party of one?"

Not to be outdone by Obama's 50-state strategy, John McCain

has just launched his revolutionary 13-colony campaign.

It happens every time: Charlie Gibson says 'political firestorm',

and all hell breaks loose. Sources says the fire department is

getting pretty tired of extinguishing his reckless cliches.

Stuart Taylor, a Brookings Institution fellow, writes: "President

George W. Bush ought to pardon any official from cabinet

secretary on down who might plausibly face prosecution

for interrogation methods approved by administration

lawyers." What a novel idea! Here's another: why not

prosecute Mr. Taylor for torturing logic, brutalizing

the rule of law, and insulting human intelligence?

Jesse Jackson's use of the N-word in off-air

remarks had Mattie Larson up in arms.

The Potrzebie Prize #7

Ben Bernanke Acclaimed for Closing the Barn Door

After Alan Greenspan Let the Horse Out

"Unhand me, you featherless biped! I've got places to go,

people to meet, and bamboo to eat!"

Fearguth is in Austin, Texas, to celebrate the nativity of

Markos Moulitsas Zúniga. When the word got out that

Fearguth was coming to town, other high-profile bigwigs,

like Howard Dean and Nancy Pelosi, decided to join him

in the celebration. Meanwhile, if you are so audacious

as to hope for a break in the Bildungblog action, you

must be from Kokomo.

When older people see Cindy McCain zipping around Phoenix
in a car with 'MS BUD' vanity plates,

they think red, white, and blue,

while younger people think green.

Don't you just hate it when some supercilious smartass,

like Gary Kamiya, says you lack a sense of humor simply

because you don't laugh at his jokes? At that moment,

aren't you tempted to open his chest and perform a

humor transplant, without the benefit of anesthesia?

You've heard of 'First Adopters'. Well, when it comes

to email, John McCain is one of the 'Last Adopters'.

"I was an AP political reporter," writes Ron Fournier, "at the

time of the 2004 e-mail exchange [with Karl Rove], and

was interacting with a source, a top aide to the president,

in the course of following an important and compelling story.

I regret the breezy nature of the correspondence." 'Breezy'

means 'displaying a light-hearted nonchalance'. This word

hardly describes what Fournier wrote to Rove about Pat

Tillman: "The Lord creates men and women like this all

over the world. But only the great and free countries allow

them to flourish. Keep up the fight." That sounds about as

'breezy' as 'Onward Christian Soldiers', doesn't it?

"I know how to win wars! I know how to win the war

in Iraq. I know how to win the war in Afghanistan.

Why? Because I knew how to win the war in Vietnam.

Unfortunately, I was a prisoner of war at the time and

couldn't share my secret with the President."

Following his own advice to the American people, President

Bush took a deep breath. But then he couldn't remember what

he was supposed to do next.

"Brit Hume," writes Howard Kurtz, "a top anchor and

executive with Fox News since the channel was launched

12 years ago, plans to step down at year's end. But he won't

disappear entirely." Damn!

Ever the PR flak for the rich and powerful,
 Jonah Goldberg was aptly named. His name
means 'Pigeon of the Gold Mountain'.

Major Payne: the Movie

Major Payne: the Reality TV Show

After serving as Donald Rumsfeld's adviser on 'extended
interrogation techniques' for several years, William 'Jim'
Haynes resigned from the Defense Department last February
 to become Chief Corporate Counsel at Chevron, where his
duties include developing new techniques for torturing the
American people with higher and higher gasoline prices.

"President Turner, Stephen Payne has just informed me

the George W. Bush Presidential Library Foundation

has received a gift of $1,000,000 from the mayor of

Bumfuck, Egypt. I understand the donor is a great

admirer of President Bush and a devout Methodist."

Drudge Report Funnies #16
"Sex in Space 'Is Inevitable'..."

And in those days, a prophet came forth, speaking the word

of the Lord, saying, "The Republican Party is a dead rotting

carcass with a few decrepit old leaders stumbling around

like zombies in a horror version of Weekend at Bernie's,

handcuffed to a corpse."

Chocolate-Loving, Flag-Waving, Bottled-Water-Drinking,

Hat-Wearing Minuteman Urges GOP to Dump McCain

Asked by Wolf Blitzer if there are any significant differences

in memory loss between George Bush and John McCain, Mark

Sanford, the Republican Governor of South Carolina, replied:

"Um, yeah. For instance, take, you know, take, for instance,

the issue of -- I'm drawing a blank, and I hate it when I do

that, particularly on television."

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