Saturday, November 25, 2006

Like most men who sell rubber for a living, the Michelin
Man tends to loaf a lot on holiday weekends.
With a date-palm-with-crossed-scimitars brooch pinned to his
snow-white head, Vice President Cheney congratulated Crown
Prince and Deputy Prime Minister Sultan bin Abdul Aziz Al
Saud for the impressiveness of his title and the lengthiness
 of his name.
What do you have when all the Lubavitcher rabbis assemble
in New York City? Three thousand bearded men in black hats
who know how to pronounce 'G-d'.
Here's one for the history books: the last GOP Congressional
Gravy Train leaving the K Street Station in Washington, D. C.
Just as jeans are pre-washed and pre-shrunk,
condoms are pre-stimulated and pre-stretched.
Next-Generation Radio Talk Show Host
When Robert D. Kaplan characterizes his foreign policy
views as 'Wilsonian', he refers not to Woodrow Wilson
but to Owen Wilson, particularly in his role as John
Beckwith in The Wedding Crashers.
Angus Scrimm, who plays 'The Tall Man' in the Phantasm
movie series, tells us he has an identical twin brother,

Richard Perle, the neoconservative warmonger.
The last person left standing in Iraq was relieved to hear his
nation was no longer in any danger of descending into civil war.
"Would you care for a slice of fresh coconut?"
Count Novakula was upbeat when he reported

Baron Veepenstein was downcast because


War Minister Von Rumsfeld had been sacked by
Mad King George.
Pakistan is proud to be the first nation to put real
Mighty Morphin Power Rangers on the battlefield.

Friday, November 24, 2006

The way he stroked the turkey's neck made people wonder
if maybe President Bush had been practicing off camera.
Gustavo Musi, who claims to be a descendant of Harry Houdini,
has been trying to escape from the Paraguayan Congress for
several years. Thus far, no luck. It is beginning to appear
 Gustavo is more likely a descendant of Fibber McGee.
France's Jacques Chirac and Italy's Romano Prodi have
developed a communication technique whereby both
speak simultaneously, neither listens to the other, yet they
agree 99% of the time. It has something to do with Latin.
The Dutch plan to roll a 5-foot-long joint containing one 
pound of marijuana was scrapped when the group 
intending to smoke it couldn't agree to a ban on bogarting.
"We've got a bull's-eye painted on Nancy Pelosi's big, wide
laughing eyes," bellowed big, wide Melanie Morgan.
Shortly after they were videoed at the railway station,
this flock of wild turkeys boarded a train and got the
hell out of Thanksgiving, Maryland.
General George Casey, Commander of Multi-National
Force-Iraq, Wearing His New Desert Cammie Straitjacket
The Prince of Peace Gospel Choir and People's
Militia Performing 'I Surrender All'
President Bush couldn't believe the Hanh Anh Duong Dragon
Dance Group had never heard of either Puff the Magic Dragon
or H. R. Pufnstuf.
Here are two things you can't give away after
Thanksgiving: lame duck and leftover turkey.

Thursday, November 23, 2006

Everybody was getting in the mood for December 22,
and then Britney Spears showed up. So
everybody decided to wait until next year.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Everyone at the Thanksgiving table was pleased
when they learned the grizzly was a Christian bear.
"Would you mind offering thanks?" they asked.
"Not at all," replied the bear. "Please bless this
food to the nourishment of my body," the grizzly
prayed. And then it gobbled them all up.
Being one tough mofo, Glenn Beck tore Happy Feet a
new one for featuring "an animated Emperor penguin
who is more lifelike than Al Gore."
Supporters of the candidate who lost the presidential
election have sacked and burned the Supreme Court. No,
not in the United States in 2000 but in the Democratic
Republic of the Congo in 2006.
In the middle of his weekly general audience in Saint Peter's
Square, Pope Benedict inexplicably started playing Peek-a-Boo.
It's really pathetic the way opposing players gang up
on vertically-challenged Lindsey Hunter.
Although plans to expand the U. S. military base in
Pyongtaek, South Korea, are unchanged, 'military
bsae expansion' has been halted.
Borat Gives Borat Two Thumbs Up
According to The Future Dictionary of America, a
Bliar is "a British politician who has an uncomfortable
relationship with the truth." The best-known Bliar lives
at this address.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

As the wasp went down for the third time, it remembered
the proverb about 'the fool and his honey', or something to
that effect.
What Rupert the Clown Looks Like
Without the Greasepaint
"Thanksgiving is for the birds. Pass it on."
"Hey, Ma! I need to go potty."
"Take it easy on that arm, Buster! I'm not made
outta rubber, ya know!"
When someone says, "I took a bath in the stock market
last week," this is where they went.
While the mother and child moved quietly down the street,
the soldiers cloaked their fear in heavy metal.
Whoever came up with the idea of Ducks Unlimited
must now be having second thoughts.

Monday, November 20, 2006

"My next project will be called 'Rupert and Me'."
When the UFO landed on the astroturf, everyone was astonished
by the axis of symmetry of this oval of revolution.
Veronica Ramirez's bowling technique is a combination
of the cranker, stroker, and spinner styles. It's called the
Haphazard Hooker.
Thirty-one years after his death, Generalissimo Francisco
Franco is still dead. But his fascist supporters are very
much alive.

Sunday, November 19, 2006

"It's all very easy, Secretary Rice. Just pick up the pen
and sign on the dotted line. That's when the GEICO gecko
will appear and give you up to 15% off your car insurance."
Queen Elizabeth and Prince Phillip Win 'Anachronisms
of the Year Award' for an Unprecedented Fifty-Fourth Time