Warm Scuzzies #531

Ron Dermer

"What's Kanye West doing here?"

"Looks like he's getting ready to interrupt

Valentine's Day."

The remains of a couple in a 6000-year-old embrace prove

Valentine's Day has been observed much longer than

previously believed.

Warm Scuzzies #530

Eric Parker

Fiancee Kisses Ass Goodbye

If, as Pope Francis claims, it's selfish not to have children, 

the hierarchy of the Catholic Church must consist of 

 the most selfish people on Earth.

Clive Crook says laughing at politics

is not enough.  OK. we'll laugh at

Clive Crook, too.

Hey, Ash!  You now get to administer a government

department with an annual budget of almost half a

 trillion bucks.  Put on a happy face!

On Darwin's birthday, Scott Walker sets a new record 

for the longest punt in the history of evolution.

If he had really existed, Charles Darwin would be 206 today.

Once thought impossible, Jeb Bush seems to

be more clueless than his brother, even failing

at the simple task of picking his nose.

White, Angry, Gun-Obsessed, Hates  Orange

"Pardon me, but do you know the way to the egg?"

"Funny, I was going to ask you the same question."

If you put Milton Friedman in charge of the Sahara Desert, 

in 5 years, there'd be a free market charging you to live 

in it and to be buried under it.

Scholars say 'dumb as a post' is the shortened

and generalized form of an older idiomatic

expression, 'dumb as a New York Post'.

"After 14 years in Afghanistan and 12 years in Iraq, 

three years in Syria sounds positively fugacious."

"Where are all those goats headed?"

"To Mickey Kaus's house."

"You may be wondering why anyone with half a brain 

would go to a gun range with a guy of whom he said, 

“This dude is straight up nuts!"

Kory Watkins and Veronica Dunnachie: she

 later murdered her husband and stepdaughter. 

He is now saying that Joe Straus, the Speaker

of the Texas House of Representatives, "is

a tyrant and should be charged with crimes

against the American people."

The air in Debbie Schlussel's cave was polluted by her 

mephitic and pestilential breath.

North Korea Unveils 310 New Slogans, Including: 

"Let us turn ours into a country of mushrooms!" and

"Keep them in the dark and feed them bullshit!"

'Montana Lawmaker Fails to Ban Yoga Pants'

"Holy Hell,  that's a spider, man!"

"I served with Republicans. I knew Republicans. Republicans 

were friends of mine. Senator Cruz, you're no Republican!"

The Land of Punt was known for producing aromatic

 resins, ebony, wild animals, and Scott Walker.

Two-Minute Haters #47

Deborah Karen Schlussel

"Anthony wants to know what these 95 Theses are all

about and who the hell Martin Luther is!"

Ethan Czahor, we hardly knew ye.

"Governor Walker, do you believe in evolution?"

“I’m going to punt on that."

"Oh, so you do believe in football?"

"Brian Williams, you're black!"

Bostonian Practicing Safe Breath with Dentyne Ice

Governor Brownback Changes His Genus to Kansanisia, 

Says He Doesn't Like Genus Homo

"That Homo sapiens costume you're wearing, Governor 

Brownback, doesn't fool us for a New York minute!"

America's gun culture won't change until owning a gun

 is as uncool as wearing a Bluetooth headset.

Fearguth's Hall of Wackos #612

David Moore

"Hey, there aren't nearly enough mics up here!"

"How does that Puritan get away with burning 

people at the stake?"

"He claims a 'religious exemption'."

"Would you mind stop calling white American terrorists

 'lone wolves'?  Lone wolves don't murder people."

It's official:  there are now enough 'lone wolves' to make

up a 'wolf pack'.

Craig Stephen Hicks, White American Terrorist,

Murders Three Muslims Near University of North

Carolina-Chapel Hill Campus

"I like my illusions better than your illusions."

Little Known Fact #58

Senator John Barrasso (R-WY) originated the 'Hands Up,

Don't Shoot' meme at CPAC four years ago.

Same-Sex Marriage makes Clarence

Thomas sad.  He has obviously forgotten

when an interracial marriage in the

South would have gotten an African-

American man, like himself, lynched. 

 He's like the recent immigrant to 

the United States who demonizes 

'illegal aliens' and wants them to

self-deport.

"Don't be such a baby!  Like Mike Huckabee says,

 'Beheading is much worse than a sunburn'."

"In our religion, saying 'Beheading is much worse than a 

sunburn' is a damnable heresy and a capital crime.  So, 

off with your head!"

Mike Huckabee Trips and Falls Into Own Asshole; 

Rescue Efforts Underway

"Let what just happened to Judge Roy Moore be a lesson

to you all!  Be not deceived; the Supreme Court is 

not mocked!"

"Hey, I'd swear that commandment wasn't there yesterday!"

Jeb Bush Demonstrating How the Pros Suck Koch

If Scott Walker gets his wish, will he establish 

a 'puppet regime' in Washington?