Cindy McCain's 'I Am Offended' Campaign Crosses Atlantic,

Takes Root in Fertile English Soil

Asked what qualified her to be commander-in-chief, the Republican

vice-presidential nominee said she had a lot of experience riding

shotgun in a lime-green 1970 Barracuda with a Mopar 440 Big Block.

Fearguth's Rules of Order #17

It is considered to be the height of rudeness to use the

expression, "I don't give a rat's ass!" if one happens to be

eating a slice of watermelon nearby.

If you've ever done a little housecleaning, you've doubtless

come across the remains of an insect long dead. It's just a

dessicated husk, nothing more than an exoskeleton, extra

crispy and lighter than a feather. Ted Stevens looks a whole

lot like that, even though some Alaskans claim he's still alive.

"Put yourself in my shoes for a moment. How would you like

it if a hockey mom was picked as your replacement?"

World's Worst Jobs #87

Jakartan Bottled Liquor Destroyer

Neanderthal Meets Cro-Magnon While Mad

Paleoanthropologist Looks On

Isn't People magazine the one with all of the

celebrities in it?

Heretofore, Bullwinkle had been an undecided independent

 voter.  But with all of Sarah Palin's talk of moosemeat stew, 

he was definitely now leaning Obama.

The Day George Bush Finally Swallowed His Pride

As mayor of Wasilla, Alaska (pop. 8,000), Sarah Palin gained

invaluable executive experience, especially when she had to

manage all the ruffians down at the Mug-Shot Saloon.

"I 'hate' my yellow teeth."

Rush Limbaugh is boasting "we're the ones with a babe on the

ticket." Well, she knows how to make the men around her

horny, that's for sure!

"As I understand, Governor Palin, you disagree with
how Dan Quayle spells 'potato'. Does he agree with
how you spell 'happy'?"

"Unlike Barack Obama, when I picked my running mate,

I put my country first!"

If John McCain is elected President, Vice President Sarah
Palin is expected to be his go-to person on the issues of
hunting, women's basketball, beauty pageants, ice fishing,
snowmobiling, fashion photography, float plane maintenance,
and mooseburger grilling.

Hottest Governor from Coldest State Joins Forces

with Coldest Senator from Hottest State

Palin Nomination Galvanizes Polar Bear Opposition

Venus in Furs

"Todd, honey, your Bullwinkle Burger's getting cold!"

Gore Compares Obama to Abraham Lincoln

At first it was thought the pen was marred by a grammatical error.

Then it was learned that a word had been accidentally omitted

after 'Student's': the word, 'Grandpa'.

While sitting on her grizzly bear throw, Governor Palin

explained that she opposed listing the polar bear as

a threatened species because she needed one to use

as a rug in front of her fireplace.

“As for that V.P. talk all the time, I’ll tell you, I still can’t answer

that question until somebody answers for me what is it exactly

that the Vice President does every day?"

John McCain's selection of Sarah Palin as his running mate is seen

by some observers as a shrewd maneuver to shore up his sagging

support among salmon fishermen.

More Than 166,000 People in Dayton

Unaware Michael Palin Isn't Vice

Presidential Nominee's Father

Sarah Palin, Governor of Alaska and John McCain's running

mate, has been praised by Fred Barnes for being a politician

with "eye-popping integrity" (journalese for "Nice Hooters!").

"Is the convention over yet?"

Among his many qualifications to be a correspondent for the

Associated Press was Charles Babington's uncanny ability to

analyze and critique Barack Obama's speeches even before

he heard them.

Meanwhile, the mood in the McCain camp was subdued.

"Just wait till you hear my speech in Denver. It's gonna

peel the bark off your honky ass!"

The Unexpurgated Bible #15

"To the angel of the Church of the Political Independents and

Undecided Voters, write: 'These are the words of the Amen, the

faithful and true witness, the ruler of God's creation. I know

your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were

either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm—neither

hot nor cold—I am about to spew you out of my mouth'."

GOP VP Watchers on High Alert

Deep inside John McCain's brain, Free Radicals were attacking

Stable Molecules in the only way they knew how: by stealing

Electrons and turning them into Ichabod Mudds.

Why is it 'lips' sounds so innocent while 'labia' sounds

so sinful? Do you think the Romans knew something

we don't?

Encouraged by the positive responses of their viewers to body

language experts and handwriting analysts, the cable news

networks began to employ augurs, who could, based on the

study of the flight of birds, divine the hidden meaning of

a politician's rhetoric and behavior.

Asked to explain the expression, 'ass over elbows',

she decided to answer by using a little body language.

Botanists Identify New Sonoran Desert Shrub:

the Prickly McCain

Blogger Arrested Over Leak to Robert Novak of McCain's VP Pick

Trying to teach the Kosovans to sing in perfect harmony

may be the real thing, but it's also a trademark violation.

"These are not hubristic Greek columns I'm speaking in front

of, my friends. These are humble American columns!"

Recently-Declassified Photograph #8

President Sets New Olympic Jackoff Record

Logoman Breaks Through the Autoerotic Barrier

"Of course I'm full of bull! What do you think I am---

a frickin' pussycat?"

American Empire #36

Military Keynesianism

The Presidential Race So Far

Famous Sidekicks

Gabby Hayes

Tonto

Tattoo

John McCain