"Think of it this way, Senators. What if ten American soldiers

had died in Iraq while I've been testifying here in Washington?

Well, ten didn't; only six did. I think you'd have to agree that's

real, measurable progress."

"No, Congressman, Ambassador Crocker isn't grieving over

3,774 American soldiers killed in Iraq. He is just trying to

get over the fact that Halliburton's stock is still 35 percent

below its high of $54.69 on Sept. 6, 2000, just weeks after

Dick Cheney left his post as CEO to campaign to become the

nation's Vice President."

David Letterman had said, "Being rich and famous is a dirty job,

but somebody has to do it." And Oprah had responded, "So why

not us?" That's when they took another hit of laughter, which

is reputed to be the best medicine.

World's Worst Jobs #54

Indian Corn Dryer

“The despicable attack MoveOn.org launched against Saint

Petraeus today should be condemned by all Members of Congress,

including the Democratic leadership. I urge Members on both

sides of the aisle to join in support of this resolution so the House

speaks with one voice rejecting the truth-telling tactics

employed by this group which represents what a majority

of the American people believe.”

Democratic Hopefuls Turn Attention to Latinos

"Would all who believe they are independent

please raise their right hands?"

The Anchoress Gets All Gussied Up for 9/11

Don't people in the Third World know that if you

step on a crack, you break your mother's back?

Brothers in the Hood

"I guess you heard I sold my cast for $17,200. Do you

remember, Tony, if you got that much for selling your

soul to the Bush Administration?"

Up until the end, Rupert Murdoch denied his face was

being melted by the Lens of Death.

Life Takes Visa, Visa Takes Life

"That's $100, Homer, and no out-of-town checks

or credit cards. Look for the blond in front of

the Kwik-E-Mart. OK?"

The Day the Pope Decided to Join the Dark Side of the Force

For years, Bunky had been struggling to escape

from the Iraq Quagmire. But when he heard

the testimony of General Petraeus,

he figured he may as well lie back and enjoy it.

Predictably, Ambassador Crocker's testimony before

Congress rendered the cat comatose.

During General Petraeus' testimony before Congress,

the Bullshit Meter went off the scale.

Roger Federer and His Trophy Wife

The winner of the Mudpit Bellyflop Contest at the 2007 Redneck

Games went on to become a leading neoconservative intellectual

who would argue it would only take ten more Friedman Units for

America to win the Iraq War.

"Good grief, George! Can't you take three steps

without acting like the town drunk?"

Fred Thompson kept saying, "Osama bin Laden? No sweat!"

But America could see he was lying.

Regardless of how big they are, blue balls are nothing to brag about.

Svetlana was ready to pounce on yet another hapless opponent.

Trudy Giuliani Endorses Mitt Romney for President;

Says "He's My Kinda Man"

Allegories for Our Time #3

President Bush and the U. S. Military

Pillsbury Crescent Rolls Reformulated

to Eliminate Islamic Bias

World's Worst Yobs #22

Charles Krauthammer

The Radicalization of Miss Piggy

Don Imus As a Man

Don Imus As a Woman

Typhoon Krishna Churns Through the Sea of Humanity

Asked to cite one of his judgments about

Iraq over the past five years that turned

out to be correct, Charles Krauthammer

said he didn't give answers to traitors.

"Speaker Madigan, did you know most people can't pronounce

'Milorad Blagojevich', and that's why they call the Governor

of Illinois 'John Smith'?"

When you reach treeline on the Mount of Venus,

don't be alarmed if you find yourself breathing

harder. That's a perfectly normal reaction.

Electron Microskirt

Meanwhile, the Islamofascists continued their surreptitious

invasion of Michelle Malkin's neighborhood.

World's Worst Jobs #53

Bangladeshi Stone Crusher

Elmer Fudd Says Wascal Wabbit Plotting Fwesh Attacks on

the United States Aimed at Sowing Death and Destwuction

A new report from the GAO confirms what has long been suspected,

namely, that Michael Gordon of The New York Times pulls his ideas

out of the Pentagon's ass.

Osama bin Laden Announces Six-Figure Endorsement Contract with

Just for Men Brush-In Color Gel for Mustache, Beard & Sideburns

Glenn Reynolds got lost in thought in 2002. Five years later,

the search and rescue operation to find him has ended.

Now the grim task of recovery begins.

The time for talk was past. It was time for

George and Vladimir to go mano y mano.

New, Improved Jesus Can Walk on Water Vapor

Fred Thompson Gets Caught Emoting in Iowa

All along the runway the men were captivated by the

latest in over-and-underwear.

Palestinian Theologians Debating the Koran

Contrary to popular belief, the world's most famous wall is

made of lead, not china.

World's Worst Yobs #21

Michael Reagan

Night of the Living Dead

Al-Qaeda Sends Cryptic Message to Coincide

with Sixth Anniversary of 9/11

"We're Aborigines, President Bush. You may have met some

of our relatives who live up over in Crawford, Texas."

Devil Says a Woman Made Him Do It

"Your place in history, Mr. President, is right here,

between 'Adios' and 'Pinche Gringo'."

Chestnuts Roasting By An Open Fire

Glenn Murphy, former president of the Young Republican

National Federation, is happy to report his 'unexpected

business opportunity' has really paid off. It seems there

is a great, unmet demand for sex acts performed on

sleeping men.

Woman Having a Semi-Automatic Orgasm

"World War II's over, Hiroshi. You can come out now."

"Missed me, nyah, nyah, nyah!"

Friendly Fire

World's Worst Yobs #20

Lou Dobbs

Vladimir Putin to Play Daniel Craig As James Bond

in Remake of From Russia, with Love

Raging Bull

Raging Bush

George and Condi join John and Janette aboard

the Good Ship Lollipop.

Lair of the 'Bomb Iran Crazy'

Olympic Mascot Goes Bad

Serena Williams Celebrating

Serena Williams Not Celebrating

Richard Nixon Reconsiders Resignation,

Threatens Return From Grave

Carpe Mañana

He ran it up his flagpole to see who would salute it.

It was pretty obvious the President had been doing a

lot of business with Ayad Allawi, the Iraqi rug merchant.

"Don't take this personally, Monsieur Bush,

but you're one crazy fils de pute!"

Snark Blasting Off From Camp TBogg

President of Zimbabwe Threatens to Sever Ties

with the Milky Way Galaxy

"When the Chinese hacked into your computer, Secretary Gates,

did they shanghai any of your downloads from Danni's Hard Drive?"

Bush Dog Democrat

After President Bush called him "a man of steel,"

Prime Minister Howard admitted that he was,

indeed, Superman.

Biker-in-Chief Gets Ready to Rumble

Philadelphia Investors Give Bonds a Thumbs Down

Chancellor Merkel is hopeful drinking green tea

will help remedy her problem with nail biting.

Flag Desecration #5

Tiger rushed to get ahead only to discover

he was already ahead.

Entire World Stupefied by the Latest in a Series of

Unannounced, 'Surprise' Visits to Iraq by President Bush

If Andy the Lion has anything to do with it,

there'll be no labor around here today.

Senator Warner Announces Intention

to Retire Furrowed Brow

Mickey Mouse Teaching Palestinian Children

Walt Disney Works for ZOG

"Mr. President, I really enjoyed reading my report

the White House has written for me."

"Joey, you eat chicken wings like there's no tomorrow.

Do you know something the rest of us don't?"

"Joe, my latest plot is so fiendish that even

the Devil won't have anything to do with it."

Tagg Romney Puts Out Jello Biafra

"Well, I define 'traditional marriage' as the union of

a man and a woman, no matter how many times they

get married, divorce, commit adultery, fornicate,

or what not."

Sarko the Giant Uncovers Le Physique Massif

Do you sometimes get the feeling that life

is passing you by?

"When Karl Rove speaks," writes Gloria Borger, "the political

class pays attention—usually with good reason: he's a genius,

at the head of our class of subgeniuses."

The weed of crime bears bitter fruit. But not

for Lt. Col. Steven Jordan, whose case showed,

once again, that 'military justice' is an oxymoron.

"Pope Benedict,

Superstar,

Do you think you're what they say you are?"

In baseball, this kind of play is called 'around the horn'.

Movers Flabbergasted by Lack of Mental Furniture

Inside George Bush's Head

When someone suggested President Bush had nobody’s shoulder

to cry on, he said: “Of course I do, I’ve got God’s shoulder to

cry on, and I cry a lot.”

"Whaddya mean OxiClean can't remove the Iraq War

stain from my legacy?"

World's Worst Jobs #52

Palestinian Dump Digger

World's Worst Yobs #19

Michael Medved

In the time it took to destroy this old weapon,

one hundred new weapons were built.

"I feel free, I feel free, I feel free!"

Lobbyist Greasing the Skids for Condi Rice's

Return to Stanford University

Next Generation with the National Debt on Its Back

"Grecian Formula, why hast thou forsaken me?"

Fearguth Reaches a Milestone: Post 5,280

Things began to look up the day the talking head

talked and nobody listened.

In the movie, My Big Fat Iraq Fuckup, this is

the scene where Tony throttles George.

Tommy Haas was so hungry he began to

gnaw on one of his balls.

"Which was dumber, Tony: me breaking my wrist on

the set, or you joining the Bush Administration as

press secretary?"

It's surprising what you can accomplish

when you give up sex.

Little Girl Reacts When Hillary Says She Didn't Know

Norman Hsu Was a Crook

"Zeke, I told you to lay off the fabric softener.

Now look at you!"

No doubt about it: somebody had knocked the

stuffing out of Fatih Solak.

Elephant Sit-Down Strike Enters Third Week

World's Worst Yobs #18

John Hinderaker

Why War Is Bad #2

It creates more places for pigeons to nest.

President Bush in Closed-Door Meeting Today with Joint Chiefs

"You didn't ask for my opinion, but I'll give it to you anyway.

We dragonflies would rather eat mosquitoes than read what

David Ignatius has to say in The Washington Post."

"You must understand that not all voters are created equal.

Mr. al-Maliki was only elected by the Iraqi people. I am being

elected by U. S. Senators and the CIA."

"Any sign of the stork yet, dear?"

Serena Changes Name to Passionata

Jiang Musheng claims eating live frogs works better

than Viagra, Cialis, or Levitra. He says the only side

effect is he sometimes feels a little jumpy.

George Bush has hired a prominent author to assist him

in writing a memoir of his years as President of the United

States. When published, the title will be My Pet Ghost.

Sometimes an umbrella is the world's greatest invention.

Sometimes it isn't.

The Unexpurgated Bible #2

Archaeologists Excavating Mt. Ararat Uncover Unfinished

Ark; Discovery Suggests Noah Was a Slacker; Find May Also

Explain Why the Post-Diluvian World Has Turned Out

So Badly

"If you said, 'George Bush can take his request for another

$50 billion for the Iraq War and shove it up his ass!', I hear

you. If you didn't, say again."

Naked Celibates Misspell 'Nookie'

President Bush tried to park his Legacy in New Orleans today,

but he couldn't because the parking space was still under water.

It was at the picnic Monica Goodling first saw the light,

namely, that 'It's not what you know but who you know'

was not only the philosophical foundation of the Bush

Administration but was also the secret of her success.

Observers say it won't be too hard to fill Alberto Gonzales' shoes.

"Tony, I have an idea. Break your wrist, I'll sign your

cast, auction it on eBay, and then maybe you'll have

enough money to tide you over until the end of the

Bush Administration."

George Bush and Karl Rove, Two Men Who

Will Go Down, Down, Down in History

Venus Williams Rendered À La Marcel Duchamp

Carnivorous Slinky Goes on Rampage

Low Riders

Lower Riders

President Bush As We Will Remember Him

"Mustn't .. fail .. field .. sobriety .. test.

Walk ..... and ..... Turn."

Still Life with Presidential Limousine and Street Sweeper

"I am not gay. I never have been gay. I'm sure all my friends

in the gay and lesbian community are relieved to hear that."

Chongqing, China has made a bid to host the 2008

Republican National Convention. Backers of the bid

point out that the city is the site of the world's largest

public restroom: 1,000 toilets in a building four-stories

tall with over 32,000 square feet. A spokesman for the

city says, "We are spreading toilet culture. Republicans

can listen to gentle music, make friends, and watch TV.

After they use the bathroom, they will be very, very happy."

Marianne and the goat were getting long just fine

until she uttered the word, "cabrito."

"Larry Craig is a supremely arrogant, lying crapweasel."

"Hey, what's my picture doing on the front page of

USA Yesterday?"

Portrait of Mahmoud Abbas Kidnapped,

Held at Gunpoint

Booking Photos of Senator Larry 'Widetrack' Craig

"I've got an idea. Why not make Skeletor Attorney General?

That way he can do for the Justice Department what he

did for New Orleans."

"Mark my word! I'm the Fearmonger-in-Chief. It's in

the Constitution. You can look it up."

You've heard of 'writer's cramp'. Well, there's

one for golf, too.

Man Trying to Find His Way Back to Square One

"OK, my fellow Republicans, it's time to decline 'Ho'.

I Da Ho.

You Da Ho.

We Da Ho.

Any questions?"

Senator Larry Craig (R-Idaho) Using Lewd Hand Gesture to Solicit

Homosexual Conduct Which Is a Clear Violation of Senate Protocol

Allegories for Our Time #2

ExxonMobil and Iraq

(the StonyPillow Cut)

With winter not that far off, the new Mitt Romney

line of Shearling Flip-Flops are selling like flapjacks

in New Hampshire.

No Wine, No Bread, Just Sour Grapes Served

at Condemned Man's Last Supper; Leftovers

to Be Auctioned on eBay

Michelle Malkin Before She Takes Her Medicine

After

Remember Michael Stone? He is the paramilitary

psycho who stormed the Northern Ireland parliament

building last November. He now claims it was "a piece of

performance art replicating a terrorist attack."

"By Jove, you're right! Those are

Hershey's Holy Kisses!"

"C'mon, Ma! Why won't you let me eat carrots in bed?"

World's Worst Yoobs #6

Melanie Morgan

Surgery to Separate Conjoined Twins Successful

Flag Desecration #4

"Rummy's gone. Karl's gone. Al's gone. It's just you

and me, Dick. I'm beginning to feel the Empty Nest

Syndrome coming on."

Alberto Gonzales Resigns From Something, Doesn't Recall What

"Of course I back the Bloomberg/Hagel ticket of

the Fucking Crazy Party. Who do you think I am?"

Old Afghan Challenges Fearguth to a Frowning Contest

Old Fearguth Accepts the Challenge

Allegories for Our Time #1

ExxonMobil and Iraq

At the very last moment, Liam Tancock could see Mr.

Freeze was headed his way. But by then, it was too late.

Milk Bone Surfer

"Mr. Klaudt, when was the last time you saw your

cock? And do you remember what it looked like?"

When Ted Klaudt, the former South Dakota Republican

lawmaker, attempted to solicit young teenage girls online,

he used the alias, 'Studman'. A more accurate and honest

moniker might have been 'Hard-Core Hindenburg'.

"Viva La Revolución! Viva Los Baños!"

"Whew! End of the line. Time to morph."

Boy Says He Prefers His Revolution Cold and

in a Recyclable Plastic Bottle

Pharaoh Ramses II Out for a Spin

"Those of you sitting on the right side of the plane can

see that we're now passing over Pinochetland."

"How's tricks, Roger?"

Happy Feet

Unhappy Feet

Yang Mang Teaching Her Newborn the Elements of Sumo

"Pssst, Ann! Have you ever heard what The

Book of Mormon says about ectomorphs?"

Mitt Romney Threatens to Kick Terrorist Butt on the Slopes;