Today, President Bush cited the

case of Claude Allen as proof that
Republican malfeasance is
nondiscriminatory and colorblind.

Claude Allen, a former top domestic

policy advisor to President Bush,

was arrested today for impersonating

a Loss Prevention Officer at Target.

For some mysterious reason,

Senator Cornyn skipped the

Sandra Day O'Connor exhibit

at the National Cowgirl Museum

and Hall of Fame.

Filled with remorse and contrition,

Slobodan Milosevic died today

from a broken heart.

On the day the Secretary of the Interior resigned,

the nation gasped when it found out

Gale Norton was actually James Watt in drag.

After surveying the damage inflicted on

Baghdad by Hurricane George,

President Bush stopped at a small eatery

and ordered red beans and rice,

cornbread and sausage.

Two Guys Getting Dressed

for a Double Date with

Lucianne Goldberg and Kate O'Beirne

Grover Norquist, co-founder of the K Street Project,

graciously accepts the 'I Don't Know Jack' Plaque for 2006.

Following the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse,

the Sign of the End Time appeared:

the Four Defilers of the Intelligence Quotient.

"My mother, Carol Keeton McClellan Rylander Strayhorn,

has been married so many times that only

this index finger is biologically related to her."

"I'm announcing today that George Carlin

has agreed to add 'Keith Olbermann' to

his list of the Seven Things You Can't

Say on Television.

Don Imus, God's Other Bastard

Contrary to popular belief,

this is not a picture

of a dead armadillo.

"Am I Tom DeLay? No. He's just a figment

of Jack Abramoff's lurid imagination.

Do I look like Tom DeLay? No.

That's just a bunch of DC gossip."

There are two reasons to avoid Canada:

Molson Golden and Mark Steyn.

And then the Sean Hannity Duo sang a

final chorus of their theme song,

'Mama Told Me Loudmouth Bassturds

Come From Largemouth Bassholes'.

Here's a shot of one of the bugs

that auditioned for Starship Troopers.

This one was accidentally squashed

on the cutting-room floor.

Yesterday, Connecticut voters were shocked

to learn that Senator Lieberman had been arrested

for driving while under the influence of George Bush.

After falling to earth near Roswell, New Mexico,

and having escaped from Wright-Patterson Air
Force Base in Ohio, Michael Savage headed for
Area 51 in Nevada. At last report, the Men in
Black were in hot pursuit.

Duke Cunningham was crestfallen

when he heard that Tom Cruise

had kicked him out of the Top Gun Club.

George and Laura were once again

outwitted by Sidney Greenstreet.

Instead of the Maltese Falcon,

they got Ms. Beazley,

another goddamned dog.

Hugh Hewitt didn't know what to think

when he heard he had been named

the Dysteleological Surd of 2006.

"Hi Dr. Laura, this is Ann Coulter.

There's this guy standing here with a flag tie.

Should I say the Pledge of Allegiance,

or just knee him in the groin?"

Bush footsoldier Byron York wasn't

happy when his request for

hazardous duty pay was turned down.

"Condi, baby! Let's blow this joint and mogate

on over to the Wooly Booger Club. I hear Marvin
Olasky and the Foggy Bottom Boys are gonna
be smokin' tonight."

What REALLY Fell to Earth

Near Roswell in 1947

The President's reaction to his low

approval rating made Karl Rove wonder

whether he had lost his job as Bush's brain.

Joe Bob Briggs taught us how

to recognize stunt breasts.

I'm here to teach you how

to recognize stunt chins.

Katherine Harris put the

best face she could on her

cancellation of campaign trips
in Florida. Unfortunately, it
was still hers.

"Oh, the bang on my wedding night with

Anna Nicole was much bigger than the one

I remember when the universe was created."