Saturday, March 11, 2006

Today, President Bush cited the
case of Claude Allen as proof that
Republican malfeasance is
nondiscriminatory and colorblind.
Claude Allen, a former top domestic
policy advisor to President Bush,
was arrested today for impersonating
a Loss Prevention Officer at Target.
For some mysterious reason,
Senator Cornyn skipped the
Sandra Day O'Connor exhibit
at the National Cowgirl Museum
and Hall of Fame.
Filled with remorse and contrition,
Slobodan Milosevic died today
from a broken heart.

Friday, March 10, 2006

On the day the Secretary of the Interior resigned,
the nation gasped when it found out
Gale Norton was actually James Watt in drag.
After surveying the damage inflicted on
Baghdad by Hurricane George,
President Bush stopped at a small eatery
and ordered red beans and rice,
cornbread and sausage.
Two Guys Getting Dressed
for a Double Date with
Lucianne Goldberg and Kate O'Beirne

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Grover Norquist, co-founder of the K Street Project,
graciously accepts the 'I Don't Know Jack' Plaque for 2006.
Following the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse,
the Sign of the End Time appeared:
the Four Defilers of the Intelligence Quotient.
"My mother, Carol Keeton McClellan Rylander Strayhorn,
has been married so many times that only
this index finger is biologically related to her."
"I'm announcing today that George Carlin
has agreed to add 'Keith Olbermann' to
his list of the Seven Things You Can't
Say on Television.
Don Imus, God's Other Bastard
Contrary to popular belief,
this is not a picture
of a dead armadillo.
"Am I Tom DeLay? No. He's just a figment
of Jack Abramoff's lurid imagination.
Do I look like Tom DeLay? No.
That's just a bunch of DC gossip."
There are two reasons to avoid Canada:
Molson Golden and Mark Steyn.
And then the Sean Hannity Duo sang a
final chorus of their theme song,
'Mama Told Me Loudmouth Bassturds
Come From Largemouth Bassholes'.
Here's a shot of one of the bugs
that auditioned for Starship Troopers.
This one was accidentally squashed
on the cutting-room floor.
Yesterday, Connecticut voters were shocked
to learn that Senator Lieberman had been arrested
for driving while under the influence of George Bush.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

After falling to earth near Roswell, New Mexico,
and having escaped from Wright-Patterson Air
Force Base in Ohio, Michael Savage headed for
Area 51 in Nevada. At last report, the Men in
Black were in hot pursuit.
Duke Cunningham was crestfallen
when he heard that Tom Cruise
had kicked him out of the Top Gun Club.
George and Laura were once again
outwitted by Sidney Greenstreet.
Instead of the Maltese Falcon,
they got Ms. Beazley,
another goddamned dog.
Hugh Hewitt didn't know what to think
when he heard he had been named
the Dysteleological Surd of 2006.
"Hi Dr. Laura, this is Ann Coulter.
There's this guy standing here with a flag tie.
Should I say the Pledge of Allegiance,
or just knee him in the groin?"

Bush footsoldier Byron York wasn't
happy when his request for
hazardous duty pay was turned down.
"Condi, baby! Let's blow this joint and mogate
on over to the Wooly Booger Club. I hear Marvin
Olasky and the Foggy Bottom Boys are gonna
be smokin' tonight."

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

What REALLY Fell to Earth
Near Roswell in 1947
The President's reaction to his low
approval rating made Karl Rove wonder
whether he had lost his job as Bush's brain.
Joe Bob Briggs taught us how
to recognize stunt breasts.
I'm here to teach you how
to recognize stunt chins.

Monday, March 06, 2006

Katherine Harris put the
best face she could on her
cancellation of campaign trips
in Florida. Unfortunately, it
was still hers.

"Oh, the bang on my wedding night with
Anna Nicole was much bigger than the one
I remember when the universe was created."