In President Bush's world, Zhang Nan's head is

pointing to 12:00 p.m., not 6:00 a.m.

Only President Bush had a security clearance high enough

to stride through the Hall of Ignominy.

Have you heard of El Vis, the new rock-and-roll

sensation from Spain?

As Evo Morales looked on, Rafael Correa, the new President

of Ecuador, pointed out to Hugo Chavez the route into North

America which will be followed by all the Brown Invaders in

Peppermint Ponchos.

A spectre is haunting North America, especially the
 United States: the spectre of Hugo Chavez, the Fidel 
Castro for Generation X.

"Are you boys positive you saw your frisbee land in the tank?"

Diver Julio Cesar Cu, whose job it is to keep the 
sewers beneath Mexico City unclogged, has become 
something of a patron saint for muckrakers all 
over the world.

Sometimes, there is an unfortunate mismatch between a

speaker's words and gestures. Here, for example, Dinesh

D'Souza is saying, "My knowledge of what Osama bin Laden

thinks is so extensive it would fill a blimp this big."

In the aftermath of the Rapture, only one skier

was left behind on the slopes.

'Safe sex' was re-defined when the full body

condom was introduced.

As people in England learned the other day, being

'blown away' isn't always a figure of speech.

Bill O'Reilly Shaking Hands with His Stunt Double

Anne Kornblut is the New York Times reporter who

regularly gets email from the folks who work in

the paper's Corrections Department, thanking her

for keeping them busy.

Mascot for the College of Cardinals

Major Dutch Schaeffer Reporting for Duty

After the Predator Kicked His Ass

"General Casey, the President now understands the military

potential of the 'Killer Aggie Joke'. He's calling it a 'surge',

but that's just a smokescreen for unleashing the most lethal

joke in the world on the insurgents. All we have to do now

is sit back and watch them die laughing."

"That's no ordinary Iraqi rabbit. That's the most foul, cruel,

and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on. Look, that

Iraqi rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide, it's a killer!"

Devout Monkees Fan Boarding the Last Train to Clarksville

What did the Palestinian Hamas supporter mean when

she declared, "Book'em, Danno!"?

"Senator, I am not at liberty to talk about whether

the Alberto Gonzales Robogeneral Program will be

upwardly compatible with the new Microsoft Windows

Vista operating system. To do so would require disclosure

of operational details which the terrorists are eager to

get their hands on."

"My end is near. Sadhu! Sadhu! Sadhu!"

The anti-fur activist only growled when asked

if she was a 'Girl Gone Wild'.

Ex-Congressman Bob Ney says if he can lose just

a pound a month during his 30-month prison stay,

he'll leave jail much fitter than when he went in.

Is the glass half full of Chung Dong-Young, or half empty?

It's that time of year again, when Orthodox Christians can

be seen breaching on the Neva River in St. Petersburg.

After it was determined the Metropolitan Police of London

had set a new record by handcuffing 305 people together,

nobody could remember where they had put the key.

Had the rugby player remained vertical and not gotten stuck

in a horizontal loop, he would have easily scored a try.

"Uh, Dick, don't look right this minute, but I think all those

people over there in the real world are making fun of us.

What do you suggest we do now?"

Gaze into George Bush's eyes and you will

see the surface of the Infinite Goose Egg.

Do you know how many people have died as a result

of the U. S. invasion of Iraq? No one really knows,

and that just compounds the horror.

Revealing and Sexy New 'Burkini' Causes

Quite a Commotion at the Beach

The Dallas Mavericks own the best record in the NBA

because they have a secret weapon.

When journalists write about 'boots on the ground',

is this what they're referring to?

Roger L. Simon was arrested yesterday for appearing

in public without his pajamas.

In his spare time, Dick Cheney builds scale models of

aircraft carriers.

When Marat Safin is in a good mood, he looks like this.

When Marat Safin is in a bad mood, he looks like this.

George Bush hadn't done such a good job of staying

inside the lines since he finished his Happy Farm

coloring book as a small boy.

"Mr. President, put another nickel in and

you'll see the dancing girl drop her laundry."

"This, Mr. President, is the world's most powerful electron

scanning nickelodeon. Got five cents handy?"

On a day like today, the Bonobo apes have better things

to do than worry about politics.

Said the gawkers at the Adult Entertainment Expo,

"Good God Gertie, what a gash!"

God's Great Banana Skin Patiently Waiting

for the Arrogant and the Vainglorious

March of the Knobby Knees

Ghost Rider in the Sky

Abe Foxman, head of the Anti-Defamation League, is such a

bulbous anti-anti-Semite you can understand why some people

wish Abraham had stayed home in Ur of the Chaldees.

"Giddyap, wild boar! I'm one boy who wants to get out of

Afghanistan before the Chinese Year of the Pig ends."

"Did I watch all the video of Saddam's hanging? You betchum,

Red Ryder! And when I get my hands on the video of the head

of Saddam's henchman getting ripped off by the hangman's

noose, I'm gonna use that image as wallpaper on my laptop."

"Somebody showed me parts of the video of 
Saddam's hanging. Yeah. But I didn't wanna
 watch the whole thing, especially when he
dropped through the trapdoor. I have the
 guts to order the execution of people, but I 
don't have the stomach to watch'em die. 
Laura's different. She watched the whole 
darn thing."

Iraq Awaiting the 'Surge' of 20,000 More American Troops