Saturday, January 20, 2007

In President Bush's world, Zhang Nan's head is
pointing to 12:00 p.m., not 6:00 a.m.
Only President Bush had a security clearance high enough
to stride through the Hall of Ignominy.
Have you heard of El Vis, the new rock-and-roll
sensation from Spain?
As Evo Morales looked on, Rafael Correa, the new President
of Ecuador, pointed out to Hugo Chavez the route into North
America which will be followed by all the Brown Invaders in
Peppermint Ponchos.
A spectre is haunting North America, especially the United States:
the spectre of Hugo Chavez, the Fidel Castro for Generation X.
"Are you boys positive you saw your frisbee land in the tank?"
Diver Julio Cesar Cu, whose job it is to keep the 
sewers beneath Mexico City unclogged, has become 
something of a patron saint for muckrakers all 
over the world.
Sometimes, there is an unfortunate mismatch between a
speaker's words and gestures. Here, for example, Dinesh
D'Souza is saying, "My knowledge of what Osama bin Laden
thinks is so extensive it would fill a blimp this big."
In the aftermath of the Rapture, only one skier
was left behind on the slopes.
'Safe sex' was re-defined when the full body
condom was introduced.
As people in England learned the other day, being
'blown away' isn't always a figure of speech.
Bill O'Reilly Shaking Hands with His Stunt Double
Anne Kornblut is the New York Times reporter who
regularly gets email from the folks who work in
the paper's Corrections Department, thanking her
for keeping them busy.
Mascot for the College of Cardinals

Friday, January 19, 2007

Major Dutch Schaeffer Reporting for Duty
After the Predator Kicked His Ass
"General Casey, the President now understands the military
potential of the 'Killer Aggie Joke'. He's calling it a 'surge',
but that's just a smokescreen for unleashing the most lethal
joke in the world on the insurgents. All we have to do now
is sit back and watch them die laughing."
"That's no ordinary Iraqi rabbit. That's the most foul, cruel,
and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on. Look, that
Iraqi rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide, it's a killer!"
Devout Monkees Fan Boarding the Last Train to Clarksville
What did the Palestinian Hamas supporter mean when
she declared, "Book'em, Danno!"?
"Senator, I am not at liberty to talk about whether
the Alberto Gonzales Robogeneral Program will be
upwardly compatible with the new Microsoft Windows
Vista operating system. To do so would require disclosure
of operational details which the terrorists are eager to
get their hands on."
"My end is near. Sadhu! Sadhu! Sadhu!"
The anti-fur activist only growled when asked
if she was a 'Girl Gone Wild'.
Ex-Congressman Bob Ney says if he can lose just
a pound a month during his 30-month prison stay,
he'll leave jail much fitter than when he went in.
Is the glass half full of Chung Dong-Young, or half empty?
It's that time of year again, when Orthodox Christians can
be seen breaching on the Neva River in St. Petersburg.
After it was determined the Metropolitan Police of London
had set a new record by handcuffing 305 people together,
nobody could remember where they had put the key.

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Had the rugby player remained vertical and not gotten stuck
in a horizontal loop, he would have easily scored a try.
"Uh, Dick, don't look right this minute, but I think all those
people over there in the real world are making fun of us.
What do you suggest we do now?"
Gaze into George Bush's eyes and you will
see the surface of the Infinite Goose Egg.
Do you know how many people have died as a result
of the U. S. invasion of Iraq? No one really knows,
and that just compounds the horror.
Revealing and Sexy New 'Burkini' Causes
Quite a Commotion at the Beach
The Dallas Mavericks own the best record in the NBA
because they have a secret weapon.
When journalists write about 'boots on the ground',
is this what they're referring to?
Roger L. Simon was arrested yesterday for appearing
in public without his pajamas.
In his spare time, Dick Cheney builds scale models of
aircraft carriers.
When Marat Safin is in a good mood, he looks like this.

When Marat Safin is in a bad mood, he looks like this.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

George Bush hadn't done such a good job of staying
inside the lines since he finished his Happy Farm
coloring book as a small boy.
"Mr. President, put another nickel in and
you'll see the dancing girl drop her laundry."
"This, Mr. President, is the world's most powerful electron
scanning nickelodeon. Got five cents handy?"
On a day like today, the Bonobo apes have better things
to do than worry about politics.
Said the gawkers at the Adult Entertainment Expo,
"Good God Gertie, what a gash!"
God's Great Banana Skin Patiently Waiting
for the Arrogant and the Vainglorious
March of the Knobby Knees
Ghost Rider in the Sky

Monday, January 15, 2007

Abe Foxman, head of the Anti-Defamation League, is such a
bulbous anti-anti-Semite you can understand why some people
wish Abraham had stayed home in Ur of the Chaldees.
"Giddyap, wild boar! I'm one boy who wants to get out of
Afghanistan before the Chinese Year of the Pig ends."

"Did I watch all the video of Saddam's hanging? You betchum,
Red Ryder! And when I get my hands on the video of the head
of Saddam's henchman getting ripped off by the hangman's
noose, I'm gonna use that image as wallpaper on my laptop."
"Somebody showed me parts of the video of 
Saddam's hanging. Yeah. But I didn't wanna
 watch the whole thing, especially when he
dropped through the trapdoor. I have the
 guts to order the execution of people, but I 
don't have the stomach to watch'em die. 
Laura's different. She watched the whole 
darn thing."
Iraq Awaiting the 'Surge' of 20,000 More American Troops