"Try to see things from my point of view for a minute, OK?

Here I am a beeve, with ID tags in both ears, freezing my

hindquarters off in the snow, and with no better prospect

than ending up as a Double Quarter-Pounder with Cheese.

And yet you still expect me to waste valuable time mooing

for Mitt. Don't you think that's a bit unreasonable?"

"My stars!" the Grand Mufti exclaimed.

The last time he counted he had two hands.

Now he had three.

Looks like teargassing is a lot of fun.

Maybe it will catch on like paintball.

Clenched fists are only good for two things: symbolizing

the power of the powerless and punching somebody even

more powerless in the face.

Taj Mahal for Disciples of E. F. Schumacher

Are you in the market for a mask, but want to avoid a fashion faux pas?

Well, make sure you select one that is color coordinated with the rest

of your costume and, especially, one that brings out the best in your

gorgeous eyes.

"Of course the rich do have advantages, but I am living proof

that you can start with very little and prosper economically

if you work hard and master the art of bullshitting."

Mitt Romney, who has portrayed himself as a Washington

outsider and blasted his opponents’ ties to lobbyists, has

13 federally-registered lobbyists raising money for his

campaign and several other lobbyists serving as his

advisers. Why are we not surprised by this duplicity?

"I'm gonna wash that Mitt right outta my hair!"

The Lion in Winter

Texas Republican candidate for the U. S. House of

 Representatives Dean Hrbacek mailed out a campaign 

brochure the other day which contains a picture of

his head photoshopped on another man's much slimmer

 body.  Ironically, the candidate's website features the 

headline, "Republican Dean Hrbacek Exposes Opponents

Resume Enhancements."

Idaho State Republican Representative Curtis Bowers

believes feminism, environmentalism, and homosexualism

are part of a Communist plot to 'take down' the culture of

Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head.

Bobby Fischer is dead at 64; Boris Spassky isn't.

"And if I'm elected President, all illegal immigrants will be

deported, all people with AIDS will be quarantined, all

homosexuals will be exiled to Ganymede, the Constitution will

be replaced by God's Will, everybody will be required to keep

and bear arms, a squirrel will be in every popcorn popper,

and the Confederate flag will fly over everything.

Come, Lord Jesus!"

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie Getting It On:

That's Erotica!

James Carville and Mary Matalin Holding Hands:
That's Pornography!

People who are dreaming of living in a room like this

are most likely sleeping in a room like this.

"As you can see, Vice President Cheney, Secretary

Paulson, and I could really use a stimulus package

right now. Uh, you guys got any blow you could spare?"

"We here in Wyoming don't call the mountains behind me the

'Grand Tetons'. That's way too French for our tastes. We simply

call them 'Big Tits'.

Undersecretary of State Nicholas Burns Steps Down,

Says He Couldn't Stand Condoleezza Rice a Minute Longer

"Did you guys come out here to play golf or

to just stare at my equipment?"

Time-Lapse Photograph of Mitt Romney's Position

on the Issues Over the Past Ten Years

"As if anyone doesn't already know this -- I love politics.

I love politicians. Most of all, I love myself. God,

I can't tell you how much I love Chris Matthews!"

Even as a young man, Chris Matthews had the crooked

grin of Two-Face. His future career as a media pundit

was assured.

Fungible Fungus Sells at Auction for a Record $330,000; 
Winning Bidder to Use It to Kick His Rice-a-Roni Dishes Up
 a Notch

New Mason-Dixon Poll Shows McCain and Huckabee

Redneck and Redneck in South Carolina

"Don't laugh, proles! You're next!"

Although Orlando Cabrera was unaware of it at

the time, his baseball cap, according to Lee Siegel,

signified "a lazily defiant casualness ... a hopelessness

about the possibility of originality ever to fly in the

face of hierarchy." Regardless of what it signified,

Orlando was still able double up Alex Rodriguez

at second base.

Ask Jobs^SM

Weighing a Giant Prickly Stick insect is much more

complicated than it looks.

William Farr's Anti-Obama Joke Falls Flat;

Wife, Sharon, Not a Big Hit, Either

George Clooney and Tilda Swinton Demonstrating

the Latest 'Safe Kissing' Technique

Don't be a swine and pronounce Gloria's

last name, Bór-ger. It's Bor-zhér.

Karl Rove Outlining the Republican Strategy Against Clinton, Obama:

'Give Them a Bad Rap'!

When Andrew Rosenthal fell to earth in New Delhi, 1956,

he was a rather ugly child.

Fifty-two years later, he still is.

"On the other hand, Mildred, the way I see our new Surveillance

Society is this: everybody gets to bore somebody else with their

own Reality Show."

Home Safety Tip #3

If a UPS driver is dressed like this when

he delivers a parcel to your front door,

don't open it.

"If you think of this turkey manure as votes, Mitt Romney got more of it

yesterday than John McCain did in Michigan's Republican Primary."

"I can't say I fully understand Rudy Giuliani's campaign

strategy, but if his intent is to get fewer votes than Ron

Paul, it would seem to be working."

Phuket Vegetarian Festivalgoer, Whole Foods Shopper, and
 Liberal Fascist Says He Really Likes Jonah Goldberg's
 New Book

The soldier's ears were gradually sliding off his head,

and there was nothing he could do to stop it.

A leading authority of Saudi Arabia's hardline school

of Islam has condemned camel beauty contests as evil,

saying those involved should seek repentance in God.

What a camel does when it 'repents' the authority did

not say.

John King doesn't read biased uninformed drivel.
He just writes it.

Alarmed by the populist tone of both the Democratic and

Republican presidential campaigns, Tom Donohue, President

of the U. S. Chamber of Commerce, says: “We plan to build a

grass-roots business organization so strong that when it bites

you in the butt, you bleed.” Sounds like a mad dog, doesn't he?

Looks like one, too.

"I'm sure people view me as a warmonger and

I view myself as a peacemaker."