Saturday, December 16, 2006

Contrary to expectation, Tony Blair has been canonized
and bewreathed with a starry halo, henceforth to be
referred to as 'Saint Dodgy of Downing Street'.
Jeff Greenfield strongly denies his parents were so
poor they couldn't afford to give him a middle name.
He says his birth name, bestowed upon him when he
was born on June 10, 1943, is Jeff Mutt Greenfield.
"My father was very fond of the Bud Fisher Mutt & Jeff
comic strip," Greenfield says. "But he always favored the
little guy, so that's why my first name is Jeff and my
middle name is Mutt."
Developing Story
"The nation's Capital has been invaded by what appears
to be characters out of a movie serial from the early 1950s,
Zombies of the Stratosphere. As we speak, a distress call
has gone out to Commando Cody, the only American who
understands what's happening, knows what to do, and
owns a flying suit."
No matter how hard it tried, the cormorant couldn't stop
laughing when it heard the tale about how Michelle Malkin
had agreed to fly to Baghdad. "I bet her arms will be really
tired when she gets there," the cormorant said, still laughing.
World's Worst Jobs #18
Chinese Coke Shovelers
In the blink of an eye, the stadium crowd was sucked into
the contractile vacuole of the gigantic paramecium,
never to be seen again.
Have you tried the recipes for centipede en brochette and
scorpion-on-a-stick from Paul Wolfowitz's new barbecue
cookbook, Fire and Smoke in the Middle East?
When Jeff Greenfield was born, his parents were so
poor they couldn't afford to give him a middle name.
That's why he is envious of people, like Barack
Hussein Obama, who have one.
In a very real sense, John McCain is still a prisoner of war.
"In the case of Obama, he may be walking around with
a sartorial time bomb. Ask yourself: Is there any other
major public figure who dresses the way he does? Why, yes.
Me, Jeff Greenfield. I have skipped through enough copies of
GQ to find the jacket-and-no-tie look agreeable. And maybe
that's not the comparison a possible presidential contender
really wants to evoke."
At the farewell tribute for Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld,
one thought dominated the President's mind: "So much
brush to clear, so little time."
Someone has described the late, unlamented Generál Augusto
José Ramón Pinochet Ugarte, as being 'rat-faced'. While true,
it would seem to be most unfair to rats.

Friday, December 15, 2006

"I think all intelligent, patriotic and informed people
can agree," writes Jonah Goldberg: "It would be great if
the U.S. could find an Iraqi Strong Bad."
Bill O'Reilly's Army Singing 'Onward Christmas Soldiers'
"Where was I? Oh, yeah. It says here:
'Do not point a rocket-propelled grenade
in the direction of anyone you don't intend
to vaporize'."
"Dilshod is the silliest name I've ever heard!"
"You should talk, Hyon-guk!"
Rush Hour in Gaza City
Security Guards on Their Way to Work
at the Ministry of Silly Walks

Thursday, December 14, 2006

,Here we have Augusto Jonah José Ramón Pinochet
Ugarte Goldberg making the case why he will be able to
bring law and order to Iraq if he's made the new Strong Bad,
just like he once did in Lucianne's neighborhood.
Richard Perle is the sort of neoconservative intellectual
who would gladly sacrifice 100,000 human lives on an
altar constructed from one of the shitty ideas pulled
out of his ass. And then, unsatisfied, he would reach
back to pull out another.
The Santa Claus Army is getting ready to march in
support of those frontline soldiers, like Bill O'Reilly,
who are in danger of being pushed back in the
Great War On Christmas.
Neoconservative thinker Kenneth Adelman is urging
President Bush to send another 30,000 troops to Iraq.
"As you can see," he says, "I need more blood."
'Tis the season to kiss a carp. But you probably
already knew that, didn't you?
Santa Claus began to lose his cachet about the time
China started mass producing him for sale at
Wal-Mart for $5.99 each, or two for $10.00.
Thi Thanh Luu was a very savvy sepak takraw player,
but sometimes she had a hard time telling who was
coming and who was going.
Blood on the Baghdad Sun
Legless Teammate an Inspiration to
North Korean Women's Soccer Champs
New Safety Device Introduced to Help Prevent Throwing
the Baby Out with the Bathwater
Fun and Games in the West Bank

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Before sending in your entry form for this
year's International Condom Blowers Contest,
keep in mind the competition will be pretty stiff.
A sensation on ice rinks around the world, the phenom
simply known as 'Half-Skater' is leaving audiences gasping
and wondering, "How does this sideshow freak do it?"
According to industry critics, tobacco advertising
encourages Haitian voodoo priests to start smoking
before they're old enough to tell one orifice from another.
World's Worst Jobs #17
Moroccan Tanner
Nancy Pelosi knew better than to shake hands
with the President. There was really no telling what
he might have touched since he had last washed in
'the wonder-working power of the goodness and
idealism and faith of the American people'.
Logo of the World Rock Paper Scissors Society
Criticized for Being Biased in Favor of Rocks
Rafael Correa, the new President of Ecuador,
gives a big thumbs up to Ciro Rodriguez for
kicking Henry Bonilla's sorry ass out of the
U. S. House of Representatives.

"That I don't know. I just don't know. I really just
don't know. I'm afraid I really just don't know. I'm
afraid even I really just don't know. I have to tell you I'm
afraid even I really just don't know. I'm afraid I have to tell
you I don't know. Does that answer your question, David?"
The Decider Deciding to Not Decide 'The New Way Forward
in Iraq' Until After New Year's Day
The Prime Minister of Israel swings
both ways.
The creator of Mallard Fillmore,



Edward Bruce Tinsley, has been arrested for drawing 
under the influence of

Daffy Duck.
World's Worst Jobs #16
Chinese Steel Wire Unwinder

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

"Hickory dickory dock," the old man thought,
"the mouse ran up the Glock. The Glock fired once
and the mouse's ass was blown to smithereens.
OK, so it doesn't rhyme, but who gives a goddam!"
"The Neverland Study Group is something of a farce and some
of its recommendations are sheer fantasy," expostulated
Eliot Cohen, neoconservative visionary and military historian
at Johns Hopkins University. "This is no way to run a war,
and most definitely, no way to win it. Give me just a minute
to slip into my battle dress uniform, and I'll show you the
new way forward to victory in Neverland."
Q: Why do conservative geeks like

Eliot Cohen,

George Will,

and Tucker Carlson, all wear bowties?

A: Because that's what Mama made them wear

when they were little boys.