Contrary to expectation, Tony Blair has been canonized

and bewreathed with a starry halo, henceforth to be

referred to as 'Saint Dodgy of Downing Street'.

Jeff Greenfield strongly denies his parents were so

poor they couldn't afford to give him a middle name.

He says his birth name, bestowed upon him when he

was born on June 10, 1943, is Jeff Mutt Greenfield.

"My father was very fond of the Bud Fisher Mutt & Jeff

comic strip," Greenfield says. "But he always favored the

little guy, so that's why my first name is Jeff and my

middle name is Mutt."

Developing Story

"The nation's Capital has been invaded by what appears

to be characters out of a movie serial from the early 1950s,

Zombies of the Stratosphere. As we speak, a distress call

has gone out to Commando Cody, the only American who

understands what's happening, knows what to do, and

owns a flying suit."

No matter how hard it tried, the cormorant couldn't stop

laughing when it heard the tale about how Michelle Malkin

had agreed to fly to Baghdad. "I bet her arms will be really

tired when she gets there," the cormorant said, still laughing.

World's Worst Jobs #18

Chinese Coke Shovelers

In the blink of an eye, the stadium crowd was sucked into

the contractile vacuole of the gigantic paramecium,

never to be seen again.

Have you tried the recipes for centipede en brochette and

scorpion-on-a-stick from Paul Wolfowitz's new barbecue

cookbook, Fire and Smoke in the Middle East?

When Jeff Greenfield was born, his parents were so

poor they couldn't afford to give him a middle name.

That's why he is envious of people, like Barack

Hussein Obama, who have one.

In a very real sense, John McCain is still a prisoner of war.

"In the case of Obama, he may be walking around with

a sartorial time bomb. Ask yourself: Is there any other

major public figure who dresses the way he does? Why, yes.

Me, Jeff Greenfield. I have skipped through enough copies of

GQ to find the jacket-and-no-tie look agreeable. And maybe

that's not the comparison a possible presidential contender

really wants to evoke."

At the farewell tribute for Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld,

one thought dominated the President's mind: "So much

brush to clear, so little time."

Someone has described the late, unlamented Generál Augusto

José Ramón Pinochet Ugarte, as being 'rat-faced'. While true,

it would seem to be most unfair to rats.

"I think all intelligent, patriotic and informed people

can agree," writes Jonah Goldberg: "It would be great if

the U.S. could find an Iraqi Strong Bad."

Bill O'Reilly's Army Singing 'Onward Christmas Soldiers'

"Where was I? Oh, yeah. It says here:

'Do not point a rocket-propelled grenade

in the direction of anyone you don't intend

to vaporize'."

"Dilshod is the silliest name I've ever heard!"

"You should talk, Hyon-guk!"

Rush Hour in Gaza City

Security Guards on Their Way to Work
at the Ministry of Silly Walks

,Here we have Augusto Jonah José Ramón Pinochet Ugarte Goldberg making the case why he will be able to bring law and order to Iraq if he's made the new Strong Bad, just like he once did in Lucianne's neighborhood.

Richard Perle is the sort of neoconservative intellectual

who would gladly sacrifice 100,000 human lives on an

altar constructed from one of the shitty ideas pulled

out of his ass. And then, unsatisfied, he would reach

back to pull out another.

The Santa Claus Army is getting ready to march in

support of those frontline soldiers, like Bill O'Reilly,

who are in danger of being pushed back in the

Great War On Christmas.

Neoconservative thinker Kenneth Adelman is urging

President Bush to send another 30,000 troops to Iraq.

"As you can see," he says, "I need more blood."

'Tis the season to kiss a carp. But you probably

already knew that, didn't you?

Santa Claus began to lose his cachet about the time

China started mass producing him for sale at

Wal-Mart for $5.99 each, or two for $10.00.

Thi Thanh Luu was a very savvy sepak takraw player,

but sometimes she had a hard time telling who was

coming and who was going.

Blood on the Baghdad Sun

Legless Teammate an Inspiration to

North Korean Women's Soccer Champs

New Safety Device Introduced to Help Prevent Throwing

the Baby Out with the Bathwater

Fun and Games in the West Bank

Before sending in your entry form for this

year's International Condom Blowers Contest,

keep in mind the competition will be pretty stiff.

A sensation on ice rinks around the world, the phenom

simply known as 'Half-Skater' is leaving audiences gasping

and wondering, "How does this sideshow freak do it?"

According to industry critics, tobacco advertising

encourages Haitian voodoo priests to start smoking

before they're old enough to tell one orifice from another.

World's Worst Jobs #17

Moroccan Tanner

Nancy Pelosi knew better than to shake hands

with the President. There was really no telling what

he might have touched since he had last washed in

'the wonder-working power of the goodness and

idealism and faith of the American people'.

Logo of the World Rock Paper Scissors Society

Criticized for Being Biased in Favor of Rocks

Rafael Correa, the new President of Ecuador,

gives a big thumbs up to Ciro Rodriguez for

kicking Henry Bonilla's sorry ass out of the

U. S. House of Representatives.

"That I don't know. I just don't know. I really just

don't know. I'm afraid I really just don't know. I'm

afraid even I really just don't know. I have to tell you I'm

afraid even I really just don't know. I'm afraid I have to tell

you I don't know. Does that answer your question, David?"

The Decider Deciding to Not Decide 'The New Way Forward

in Iraq' Until After New Year's Day

The Prime Minister of Israel swings

both ways.

The creator of Mallard Fillmore,

Edward Bruce Tinsley, has been arrested for drawing 

under the influence of

Daffy Duck.

World's Worst Jobs #16

Chinese Steel Wire Unwinder

"Hickory dickory dock," the old man thought,

"the mouse ran up the Glock. The Glock fired once

and the mouse's ass was blown to smithereens.

OK, so it doesn't rhyme, but who gives a goddam!"

"The Neverland Study Group is something of a farce and some

of its recommendations are sheer fantasy," expostulated

Eliot Cohen, neoconservative visionary and military historian

at Johns Hopkins University. "This is no way to run a war,

and most definitely, no way to win it. Give me just a minute

to slip into my battle dress uniform, and I'll show you the

new way forward to victory in Neverland."

Q: Why do conservative geeks like

Eliot Cohen,

George Will,

and Tucker Carlson, all wear bowties?

A: Because that's what Mama made them wear

when they were little boys.