Remember when the only time you saw policemen with

machine guns patrolling the streets was when you visited

 a Third World country, like Mexico? This is New York

City today. 

Perry Candidacy Sparks New Interest in 'Hubristics', the

Scientific Study of Overweening Pride and Arrogance

Ziggy

Siegy

"I've seen just about everything:  planking, owling,

Batmanning."

Newt Gingrich Undergoes Radical Trans-Species Surgery

 in Bid to Improve Electoral Odds

Birther Queen Goes Green for Rick Perry

Good news for all of you Velociteers out there! Windows 8

promises to boot up faster than Mitt Romney can flip-flop

on issues championed by the GOP's teabagger base.

"God damn, The Pusher

God damn, I say The Pusher

I said God damn,

God damn The Pusher man."

"Ah!  White Night Perfume by Benetton!  I'd recognize that

fragrance anywhere, Ms. Lundgren!"

Ask Frankenstein's monster and he will tell you that in-

jecting heated beef fat into your face is not a good idea.

Spokesman for Rick Perry's Presidential Campaign Denies

GOP Hopeful Has Ever Said Social Security Is a

'Fonzie Scheme'

Gays Launch Surprise Attack on

Munster, France

"I understand, Lieutenant-Colonel Peters, that whenever

you are asked to stand up and be counted, you're often not

counted because you're so short it looks like you're still

sitting down."

"As the mummy of Queen Tiye, King Tutankhamun's

grandmother, clearly shows, using a sunscreen with an

SPF rating of less than 30+ is a waste of time and money."

"Every time I see Kim Kardashian, she looks

 so undercultured and overdressed."

Ghastly Monsters and Blond Giants #123

Scott Schley, Michelle Portnoff, and Jennifer Rubin

As a young man, he had treated nudity and the invention of

clothing as a social, psychological and moral issue.  As he

grew older, he began to think of them increasingly in

terms of aesthetics.

Apeman Fossil Could Be Missing Link

 in Monty Python's 'Gorilla Librarian' 

Sketch

"Hey, this isn't Jemima Puddle-Duck! This is some

goddam duck-owner's manual!"

Was it just a joy buzzer or was Newt making Rick cry uncle?

"I didn't realize they still made people so white,

Ms. Lundberg!"

"Hey, Rick!  I've got 30 seconds to burn. 

Tell me all you know about Galileo."

"President Obama is politically insane, and I'm not feeling

too good myself."

"I have people tell me on a regular basis, 'Gee, are you

still running?' And my answer is, 'Heck, at my age, it's

a wonder I'm still walking!'"

Linn State Technical College to Require All Freshmen to

 Undergo Mandatory Drug Testing; Two-Year Missouri

 School Dropped from Princeton Review's List of '20

Best Party Schools for 2012'

Michele Bachmann is insulted that President Obama referred

to Congress as a 'circus' in last night's jobs speech.  Actually,

Michelle, that was a compliment:   the circus is much more

popular than Congress .

"Yes, it's true.  Had my paternal grandfather not been an

 illegal immigrant, I wouldn't be the Governor of New

Mexico today.  But that doesn't count because my

grandfather was also a persona sin valor."

The Unexpurgated Bible #61

"In the beginning, Corporations created the heaven and

the earth.  Also, jobs."

Little Known Fact #18

Meteorites Brought Glenn Beck and Goldline to Earth

"Rick Perry has not won elections in Texas because he is

loved. He has won because he sticks a fork in his

opponent's eyeballs." [Alex Castellanos]

"The science is not settled on global warming. The idea

that we would put Americans' economy at jeopardy based

on scientific theory that's not settled yet to me is just

nonsense. Just because you have a group of scientists who

stood up and said here is the fact. Galileo got outvoted

for a spell."  [Rick Perry, Wednesday, 9/7/2011]

"Texas endured the hottest summer ever recorded by a

U.S. state with temperatures averaging 86.8 degrees,

scientists said Thursday." [UPI, Friday, 9/9/2011]

"Listen, you little twerp!  One more crack about me being

Al Gore's Texas cheerleader and I'll groom you like Ben

Bernanke's beard!"

By the end of last night's debate, even Michele

Bachmann's American flag lapel pin had capsized

and was sending out distress signals.

Just as 'Hiking the Appalachian Trail' was Mark Sanford's

code for 'Rendezvous with My Brazilian Hottie', 'Watching

 the Saints Play on TV' is David Vitter's code for 'It's

Diaper Time on Canal Street Tonight'. 

"Holdup, you say? Ha! Ha! Next thing you know, you'll be

claiming you were one of the Clay People in Flash Gordon's

Trip to Mars!"

World's Worst Jobs #122

Guatemalan Metal Scavenger

Sure, Michele was losing support, but Marcus wasn't.

And that's what really mattered.

Aging Diva Hates Hydrangeas, Loves

Red Butterflies

Missouri, the 'Show Me Your Corporate Tax Cut' State

When she heard some pundit say she was

fini and kaput, Michele thought that meant

'fine' and 'dandy' and raised her arms in

triumph. 

Drunken Elk, Smashed on Applejack, Rescued from Treetop

Warm Scuzzies #216

Jay Sekulow

World's Worst Yobs #226

Iain Murray

"We've come to realize that 'Republican' and 'Democrat'

 don't adequately convey the reality of what's really going

 on in Congress today.  So we've decided to change our

 party names to 'Crips' and 'Bloods'."

Father of the Modern Conservative Movement

Mother of the Modern Conservative Movement

Their Offspring

"Pardon me, Captain America, but what

do you think of the new online game,

Tea Party Zombies Must Die?