Saturday, May 06, 2006

In this bucolic scene, an Afghan farmer stands with his son
in a field of opium poppies. Afghanistan's economy is 
dominated by the illegal narcotics trade, which accounts 
for 60 percent of its GDP and 87 percent of the world's 
supply. But, thanks to the United States, Afghanistan is now 
a democracy. And what could be more important than that?
"If you don't mind," said the little lamb, "I think I'll
skip the Feast of St. George this year. The main course
is always mutton, and its got a whang to it that really
puts me off my feed."
In the middle of his birthday celebration in
Hong Kong, Lord Buddha pointed to the sign
atop the building and said, "That sign says
'Jesus Is Lord'. Since when?"
Some people smoke grass to get high.
The President snorts rosemary.
Only one of the toy animals tried to run away.
Little Known Fact #1
Even after going to hell, some people keep praying.
Russian Soldiers Rehearsing for Moscow Production
of A Chorus Line

Friday, May 05, 2006

Do you read Slate?
If you do, you already
know it is lighter than
air, so insubstantial
that the solar wind
blows it into deep
space before you
have time to click
on Kausfiles.
Less than two years ago, President Bush strode proudly
through the Great Hall of the Central Intelligence Agency
alongside its new director, Porter Goss. He's now gone, just
another bit of collateral damage caused by the implosion of
the Bush Presidency. But, thanks to diligent janitors, the
CIA medallion remains as shiny as ever.
Mr. Fish may lose money on his new car magnet idea.
If you think George Bush is phonier than a $3 bill,
please raise your hand.
Thank you.
Dominguez Lino was terrified at the sight of the
flying yellow sphere with a penchant for blood.
How foolish he had been to challenge the Tall Man
to a singles match in Phantasm V: Forehand Smash
to the Head.
The Swiss Guard wondered what Dan Brown was up to
snooping around the Vatican.
Brian Doyle, former deputy press secretary for the
Department of Homeland Security's Office of Public
Affairs, has been released on $230,000 bail on charges
of using the Internet to seduce a child. In other news,
'jailhouse orange' has been proposed as the official
color of the Republican Party.
"Graciela tells me she is 'La Reina del Pueblo' and that
she would like me to be 'El Rey del Pueblo'.
She sure knows a lot of Spanish, doesn't she?"
Uruguay's President Tabare Vazquez was happy
to see that President Bush hadn't heard the
joke about the pinche gringo from Texas.
Chilehead Demonstrates the Power of
Dave's Ultimate Insanity Sauce
President Bush couldn't figure out why Chancellor Merkel
was so stuck up.
Tired of Getting Screwed, Man Decides to Drill Himself
Music Fan Has Private Audience with Guitar God
"Mary Cheney, Dick's daughter, says I'm a good man but
I haven't caught up on gay issues. Well, she's right about
the 'good man' part, but I have to disagree with her idea
that I'm a slow learner."
You probably haven't seen one of these before.
Called a 'walking portrait', it moves from room
to room during the day and then hangs itself on
the wall at bedtime.
Preparations are now underway for Tony Snow's first
press gaggle. In the past, there were never enough
shovels to go around. But thanks to a generous grant
from Comedy Central, each newsman present will have
his very own Kodiak Long Handle Round Point.

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Normally, unicorns, especially black ones, are very skittish
and won't allow humans to get near them. But this young
woman had cast a spell on the mythical beast when she quoted
a line from Lewis Carroll: "Well, now that we have seen each
other, if you'll believe in me, I'll believe in you."
Karen Hughes, Undersecretary of State for Public Gaffes
and Faux Pas, stepped into it again today when she
declared, "As we all know, Kahlil Gibran was a lifelong
advocate of capitalism and the free enterprise system.
That's why he wrote his greatest work, The Profit Motive."
Vice President Cheney grew impatient as he
waited for somebody to say the blessing.
Those wacky Minutemen! They must have a whole flock
of gag writers and banner makers working for them.
Janitors at the CIA are reportedly working overtime
trying to erase the footprints left behind by Porter
Goss and Dusty Foggo which lead to those supersecret
'poker games' at the Watergate.
According to today's New York Times, 'skinny jeans'
are all the rage right now. The tighter the fit, the better.
Once you get them on, you have to either walk or stand.
Sitting down is out of the question.
More than 3,000 mothers packed a Manila stadium in
an attempt to break the Guinness World Record for
simultaneously breastfeeding their children. A giant
sucking sound was heard as far as the island of
Corregidor, more than 25 miles away.

On the order of the South Korean government and
at the behest of the United States, the villagers of
Pyongtaek have been expropriated so that American
military bases can be expanded on their land.
Protestors, like this one, believe there is something
wrong with this picture.

When he gets up in the morning, Muammar
Gadaffi feels larger than life and is ready
to whip the world.

By evening, he has shrunk
back to his normal size,
completely whipped.
A judge on the Supreme Court of the Philippines was fired
recently for claiming he could see into the future and for
admitting he consulted imaginary mystic dwarfs. Students
of jurisprudence here in the U. S. say these views are not all
that different from those espoused by Justice Antonin Scalia,
except that he claims he can see into the past.
Abraham Alexander, an accountant, has pleaded guilty to
embezzling $237,000 in heart-disease research funds for
the purpose of paying a dominatrix to beat him. When
the judge sentenced him to two to six years in prison, Mr.
Alexander said, "Your honor, shouldn't you punish me just
a little bit harder?"
Cruising, like spamming, has become a major headache
for media consumers. But there's hope. Scientists are
said to be developing a 'Cruise filter' that will work on
the same principle as spam filters and with much the
same result: a Cruise-free multimedia experience.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Bill and Hillary Clinton have successfully negotiated
a deal with Big Cola that will ban soft drinks from the
nation's public schools. This agreement completes
the reductio ad absurdum of what was once hailed
by Adlai Stevenson in the 1950s as the 'New Politics'.
Ships of the Desert Sail Past Vessel Abandoned by Speed Racer
If all the faces of the people in the world who
have ever protested against injustice were
reduced to one, it might look like this.
The headband reads, in part,
"We are not slaves."

When President Bush gave this thumbs-up on
May 1, 2003, the American people didn't know
it meant, "Up your ass with a 50-yard pass!"
Vicente Fox, the President of Mexico, was apparently
caught off guard when someone suggested that, with
his government's decision to legalize the possession
of small quantities of dope, the tide of illegal
immigration might be reversed and Americans
would soon wash him into the Gulf of California.
Comic Smokes Bush After Dinner, 
Reports Bad Dope to Police
Until recently, this photograph was featured on the
website of CFCNCA (Combined Federal Campaign
of the National Capital Area). Now that the fellow
on the left, Kyle Dustin "Dusty" Foggo, Executive
Director of the CIA, has been getting some unfavorable
publicity, the photograph has been 'disappeared'.
But Google never forgets a good poker player.
Marat Safin was transfixed by the onrushing ball.
Will he be able to react in time? Will he succeed
in his struggle to defeat Davydenko the Merciless?
For answers to these spellbinding questions, see
'Net of Doom' at this theater next week.
Beekeeper Leads Thousands of Workers
in Protest Against Imported Honey
There's a movement afoot to get 'riot
control' added as a new sport for the
2008 Olympic Games.
When you take your pet hyena out for a walk,
you can safely ignore all those annoying
Pooper Scooper signs. In fact, you can
safely ignore just about anything.
Wouldn't it be way cool to have your very own human goldfish?
HHS Secretary Michael Leavitt's Prayer
"Lord God of Hosts,
Do not forsake me as I go forth in battle
against microbial aggressors and critics
of the prescription drug plan.
That will be enough.
Amen."
This is the dream machine for the man who wants
lots of muscle in his truck but wants to be a friend of
the environment at the same time. Manufactured by
Oshkosh Truck, this new diesel/electric hybrid will
boost gas mileage from the current 3 MPG to 4 MPG.
Ted Nugent has indicated he plans to purchase one
for his popular Kamp for Kids program.