In this bucolic scene, an Afghan farmer stands with his son

in a field of opium poppies. Afghanistan's economy is 
dominated by the illegal narcotics trade, which accounts 
for 60 percent of its GDP and 87 percent of the world's 
supply. But, thanks to the United States, Afghanistan is now 
a democracy. And what could be more important than that?

"If you don't mind," said the little lamb, "I think I'll

skip the Feast of St. George this year. The main course

is always mutton, and its got a whang to it that really

puts me off my feed."

In the middle of his birthday celebration in

Hong Kong, Lord Buddha pointed to the sign

atop the building and said, "That sign says

'Jesus Is Lord'. Since when?"

Some people smoke grass to get high.

The President snorts rosemary.

Only one of the toy animals tried to run away.

Little Known Fact #1

Even after going to hell, some people keep praying.

Russian Soldiers Rehearsing for Moscow Production

of A Chorus Line

Do you read Slate?

If you do, you already

know it is lighter than

air, so insubstantial

that the solar wind

blows it into deep

space before you

have time to click

on Kausfiles.

Less than two years ago, President Bush strode proudly

through the Great Hall of the Central Intelligence Agency

alongside its new director, Porter Goss. He's now gone, just

another bit of collateral damage caused by the implosion of

the Bush Presidency. But, thanks to diligent janitors, the

CIA medallion remains as shiny as ever.

Mr. Fish may lose money on his new car magnet idea.

If you think George Bush is phonier than a $3 bill,

please raise your hand.

Thank you.

Dominguez Lino was terrified at the sight of the

flying yellow sphere with a penchant for blood.

How foolish she had been to challenge the Tall Man

to a singles match in Phantasm V: Forehand Smash

to the Head.

The Swiss Guard wondered what Dan Brown was up to

snooping around the Vatican.

Brian Doyle, former deputy press secretary for the

Department of Homeland Security's Office of Public

Affairs, has been released on $230,000 bail on charges

of using the Internet to seduce a child. In other news,

'jailhouse orange' has been proposed as the official

color of the Republican Party.

"Graciela tells me she is 'La Reina del Pueblo' and that

she would like me to be 'El Rey del Pueblo'.

She sure knows a lot of Spanish, doesn't she?"

Uruguay's President Tabare Vazquez was happy

to see that President Bush hadn't heard the

joke about the pinche gringo from Texas.

Chilehead Demonstrates the Power of

Dave's Ultimate Insanity Sauce

President Bush couldn't figure out why Chancellor Merkel

was so stuck up.

Tired of Getting Screwed, Man Decides to Drill Himself

Music Fan Has Private Audience with Guitar God

"Mary Cheney, Dick's daughter, says I'm a good man but

I haven't caught up on gay issues. Well, she's right about

the 'good man' part, but I have to disagree with her idea

that I'm a slow learner."

You probably haven't seen one of these before.

Called a 'walking portrait', it moves from room

to room during the day and then hangs itself on

the wall at bedtime.

Preparations are now underway for Tony Snow's first

press gaggle. In the past, there were never enough

shovels to go around. But thanks to a generous grant

from Comedy Central, each newsman present will have

his very own Kodiak Long Handle Round Point.

Normally, unicorns, especially black ones, are very skittish

and won't allow humans to get near them. But this young

woman had cast a spell on the mythical beast when she quoted

a line from Lewis Carroll: "Well, now that we have seen each

other, if you'll believe in me, I'll believe in you."

Karen Hughes, Undersecretary of State for Public Gaffes

and Faux Pas, stepped into it again today when she

declared, "As we all know, Kahlil Gibran was a lifelong

advocate of capitalism and the free enterprise system.

That's why he wrote his greatest work, The Profit Motive."

Vice President Cheney grew impatient as he

waited for somebody to say the blessing.

Those wacky Minutemen! They must have a whole flock

of gag writers and banner makers working for them.

Janitors at the CIA are reportedly working overtime

trying to erase the footprints left behind by Porter

Goss and Dusty Foggo which lead to those supersecret

'poker games' at the Watergate.

According to today's New York Times, 'skinny jeans'

are all the rage right now. The tighter the fit, the better.

Once you get them on, you have to either walk or stand.

Sitting down is out of the question.

More than 3,000 mothers packed a Manila stadium in

an attempt to break the Guinness World Record for

simultaneously breastfeeding their children. A giant

sucking sound was heard as far as the island of

Corregidor, more than 25 miles away.

On the order of the South Korean government and

at the behest of the United States, the villagers of

Pyongtaek have been expropriated so that American

military bases can be expanded on their land.

Protestors, like this one, believe there is something

wrong with this picture.

When he gets up in the morning, Muammar

Gadaffi feels larger than life and is ready

to whip the world.

By evening, he has shrunk

back to his normal size,

completely whipped.

A judge on the Supreme Court of the Philippines was fired

recently for claiming he could see into the future and for

admitting he consulted imaginary mystic dwarfs. Students

of jurisprudence here in the U. S. say these views are not all

that different from those espoused by Justice Antonin Scalia,

except that he claims he can see into the past.

Abraham Alexander, an accountant, has pleaded guilty to

embezzling $237,000 in heart-disease research funds for

the purpose of paying a dominatrix to beat him. When

the judge sentenced him to two to six years in prison, Mr.

Alexander said, "Your honor, shouldn't you punish me just

a little bit harder?"

Cruising, like spamming, has become a major headache

for media consumers. But there's hope. Scientists are

said to be developing a 'Cruise filter' that will work on

the same principle as spam filters and with much the

same result: a Cruise-free multimedia experience.

Bill and Hillary Clinton have successfully negotiated

a deal with Big Cola that will ban soft drinks from the

nation's public schools. This agreement completes

the reductio ad absurdum of what was once hailed

by Adlai Stevenson in the 1950s as the 'New Politics'.

Ships of the Desert Sail Past Vessel Abandoned by Speed Racer

If all the faces of the people in the world who

have ever protested against injustice were

reduced to one, it might look like this.

The headband reads, in part,

"We are not slaves."

When President Bush gave this thumbs-up on

May 1, 2003, the American people didn't know

it meant, "Up your ass with a 50-yard pass!"

Vicente Fox, the President of Mexico, was apparently

caught off guard when someone suggested that, with

his government's decision to legalize the possession

of small quantities of dope, the tide of illegal

immigration might be reversed and Americans

would soon wash him into the Gulf of California.

Comic Smokes Bush After Dinner, 
Reports Bad Dope to Police

Until recently, this photograph was featured on the

website of CFCNCA (Combined Federal Campaign

of the National Capital Area). Now that the fellow

on the left, Kyle Dustin "Dusty" Foggo, Executive

Director of the CIA, has been getting some unfavorable

publicity, the photograph has been 'disappeared'.

But Google never forgets a good poker player.

Marat Safin was transfixed by the onrushing ball.

Will he be able to react in time? Will he succeed

in his struggle to defeat Davydenko the Merciless?

For answers to these spellbinding questions, see

'Net of Doom' at this theater next week.

Beekeeper Leads Thousands of Workers

in Protest Against Imported Honey

There's a movement afoot to get 'riot

control' added as a new sport for the

2008 Olympic Games.

When you take your pet hyena out for a walk,

you can safely ignore all those annoying

Pooper Scooper signs. In fact, you can

safely ignore just about anything.

Wouldn't it be way cool to have your very own human goldfish?

HHS Secretary Michael Leavitt's Prayer

"Lord God of Hosts,

Do not forsake me as I go forth in battle

against microbial aggressors and critics

of the prescription drug plan.

That will be enough.

Amen."

This is the dream machine for the man who wants

lots of muscle in his truck but wants to be a friend of

the environment at the same time. Manufactured by

Oshkosh Truck, this new diesel/electric hybrid will

boost gas mileage from the current 3 MPG to 4 MPG.

Ted Nugent has indicated he plans to purchase one

for his popular Kamp for Kids program.