Warm Scuzzies #385

Nate Bell

"No disaster relief for Hurricane Sandy victims, but 

all available resources for the victims in West of the 

fertilizer plant explosion!"

Max 'Coward Caucus' Baucus

Fertilizer Plant Told State of Texas It Could Not Explode:  

The Invisible Hand Strikes Again!

'Typewriting While Driving' Ban Passes Texas House

Fearguth's Hall of Wackos #488

Shannon Richardson

How comforting it is to learn that the Senate won't be 

passing a law any time soon requiring people who wish 

to buy lethal weapons to undergo a background check.

Now we can wait, without discomfort, for Sandy Hook II.

"Hey, kid, did you hear what the big chimney said

to the little chimney?"

"No, what did it say?"

"You're too young to smoke."

"I don't get it."

"Sorry, kid, but you must be too young to get it."

Little Know Fact #35

Jaguars in South America gnaw on the 

roots of the Caapi plant until they begin 

to hallucinate and imagine they are

VW Microbuses.

Have we forgotten former Senator

Ben Nelson (D-NE) yet?

Fearguth's Rules of Order #56

Do not take seriously any Elvis impersonator who 

doesn't use an official Elvis Presley Hairbrush to

style his ducktails.

What if Anheuser-Busch had spent years 

redesigning the flavor of Budweiser

rather than the shape of the can?

I Remember Dubya #59

When he left office, Dubya's approval rating 

stood at 31%.  It's now up to 35%.  At this

 rate, Dubya should top 50% by about 2033. 

Is there an aesthetic law that requires corporate CEOs,

like Jeff Zucker, to be butt-ugly?

"Señor Gohmert is right, you know.  I'm actually

a Radical Islamist trained to act like a Hispanic.

¡Ándele! ¡Ándele! ¡Arriba! ¡Arriba!¡ Allahu Akbar!"

Beyoncé's New Castroite Nipples Steal Show

They had become weary of being jerked around.

When it comes to LGBT equality, Pat

 Buchanan says he is a 'Principled 

Rejectionist', which, being interpreted, 

means 'Old Bigot'.

Fearguth's Hall of Wackos #487

Brian Nieves

Nineteenth-Century German Nun Performs Miracle,

Turns Herself into Bronze Memorial, Is Put on the

Fast-Track by Pope Francis to Become the Matron

Saint of Diarrhea Remedies

Two-Minute Haters #33

Erik Rush

How Alex DeLarge Welcomed Joe Miller to the Alaska 

Senate Race:  "Ho, ho, ho! Well, if it isn't fat stinking

 billy goat Joe Miller in poison! How art thou, thou

 globby bottle of cheap, stinking chip oil!"

Dubya is a Grandpa who can read.

"Now I'm a Belieber

Not a trace of doubt in my mind

I'm in love with myself, I'm a Belieber."

Bob Perry Dies, Nation Struggles to Shed Collective Tear

Warm Scuzzies #384

Ron King

Floridians Giving Serious Consideration to Training

Ten-Foot-Long Burmese Pythons to Eat Rat-Sized

African Land Snails

Fearguth's Hall of Wackos #486

Dr. Jeremi Suri

American Schutzstaffel #21

According to a new study, most kids cuss

 before they learn the alphabet.  After they

 learn the alphabet, they can begin to

 misspell cuss words, especially those

 longer than four letters.