This Just In!

According to meterologists, a new sign from God

has appeared in the clouds. Asked to interpet

its significance, these observers say it means

"I yam what I yam, I'm a man, yes I am."

As Pseudo-Paul saith, "Greet one another with an unholy kiss."

General Michael Hayden never sleeps.

He's always listening, and he recommends

that you stop badmouthing your boss.

Have you forgotten that your cat

took a crap in The Corner? Well,

it's been there so long it now has

a name, Tim Graham, and it's

really stinking up the place. So

get busy with the Spot Shot, OK?

The pathways to immortality are innumerable.

For Joey Chestnut, it was eating 50 Nathan's

Famous Hot Dogs in just 12 minutes.

After the Senate unanimously approved legislation to

raise the fines against radio and television stations for

obscenity, Senator Frist said, "Parents should be able to

watch television with their children without worrying

about exposing them to unsuitable content." In theory, this

may be true. But, in practice, bigger fines won't have much

effect, since parents and children haven't watched

television together since the days of Ozzie and Harriet.

When Acting U.S. Agriculture Undersecretary Chuck Lambert

urges you to "Eat More Beef," there's something about the way

he looks that suggests you would be better off eating less.

Zombie from Dawn of the Dead Changes Name to Lordi,

Sings 'Hard Rock Hallelujah' in Eurovision Semi-Finals

Bob Kerrey, President of the New School, got the

biggest laugh of the day when he said, "Senator

McCain, you have much to teach us."

Whoever coined the expression, 'political

opportunist', must have had Senator John

McCain in mind at the time.

"Your mission, Mr. Phelps, should you choose to 
accept it, is to memorize the entire Koran in 
Arabic. Should you, or any member of your I. M. 
force, be caught, or killed, the secretary will 
disavow all knowledge of your actions. This tape
 will self-destruct in five seconds."

Cirque de Soleil's Interpretation of 'Wooly Bully'

If this doesn't count as flag desecration,

what could?

Iranians Dump Allah, Swear Fealty
to Radioactive Godhead

Underpaid Marxist Protests the High Cost of

Republican Living

Some question the wisdom of having Representative

Rosa De Laura act as Joe Lieberman's proxy at

Connecticut's Democratic State Convention.

Michael Monkeymeat's autobiography is

tattooed on his body. He's run into a problem,

however. He's only 38 and has no more room

on his body to tell the story of the rest of his life.

Direct Action Movie Critic

Palestinian Militant Exercises Right to Keep and Bear Arms

When Elena Risteska performs, the sexual

innuendo is so subtle that her less sophisticated

fans sometimes miss it entirely.

Here is something increasingly hard to find in

Iraq today: an empty coffin.

The Unicorn Whisperer

In case you haven't noticed, Reiner Ferling

is crazy about Ferraris.

Just as Randy Winn made a spectacular leaping catch,

he was broadsided by a wacky cartoon convertible.

You've seen a Gingerbread House. Have you ever seen

an Afghani Bread House?

If this demonstration were happening in Washington, D. C.,

 the sign would read, 'Stop the Bloody Bullshit'!

President Bush enjoys riding around the desert in a dune buggy

so much he is thinking about rejoining the National Guard.

In underwater soccer, the winning team gets

to eat the ball.

On the eve of the U. S. invasion of Iraq in 2003,

Saddam Hussein published a novel whose title,

translated into English, is Get Out of Here, Curse You!

It has just been translated into Japanese, under the

title, Devil's Dance. It remains to be seen if the author

will live long enough to publish the sequel, Let Me Out

of Here, Curse You!

In a time of record fuel prices, how appropriate it was that

the theme of the Republic National Committee Presidential

Gala would be automobile racing, one of the most pointless

and wasteful sports ever devised.

Will someone please tell the President that he

needs to consider changing anti-perspirants?

Movie and TV star Kurtwood Smith strongly denies

he was hired to play the role of General Michael Hayden,

nominated to be Director of the CIA. Elmer Fudd, also

rumored to be playing the role of the General, is on location

for the next Bugs Bunny cartoon and was unavailable

for comment.

Keeping the Fires of Hell stoked is a full-time job.

Not everyone in Spain loves bullfighting. This little boy

holds a placard that reads: "I (the bull) do not want

to suffer. A Campo Pequeno without Bullfighting."

Prime Minister Romano Prodi couldn't keep from making a knowing

wink when he promised to bring Italy's rising public debt under control.

Imagine a world in which all the people who have ever lived used

their brains and energy to make the world a better place. That world

is hard to imagine. Now imagine a world filled with Jack Abramoffs.

That's easy, isn't it?

Pointing to his right eye, General Hayden said, "This is my

Evil Eye, the one I use to keep all Evildoers under close

surveillance." That's all Senator Santorum needed to hear

before announcing his support for the General as the next

Director of the CIA.

Things must be speeding up. Vox 'Skidmark for Jesus'

Day got only ten minutes of fame, not the usual fifteen.

When your headdress gets to be this big,

it's an open question whether you are

wearing it, or it is wearing you.

When you show up for dinner and the table is this big, you may

wonder whether you will be an eater or an eatee.

The dolphins really enjoyed watching humans

perform in the new theatre-in-the-round.

Let bikers smoke a little dope, and this is what always happens.

Today's New York Times says "several large companies plan

to bid on a multibillion-dollar contract to build a 'virtual

fence' along the nation's borders." This is a picture of

a 'virtual fence'. If it costs billions to build one like this,

can you imagine what a 'real fence' would cost?

Blooming Idiot, Inventor of the Blooming Onion

On the day the Burger King showed up on Wall Street, the

Dow dropped over 200 points. The plan to have Ronald

McDonald make an appearance has been scrapped.

Aquaman was no match for the Cyclotrode's Reducer Ray.

"Hey, Ma! What's for dinner?"

Hanks, Tautou, and Howard withstood the

onslaught of the Church. But can they

withstand the derision of the critics?

The Thrill of Victory, the Agony of Defeat

Garden of Earthly Delights