Saturday, November 11, 2006

When asked on November 9 what the President's mood
 was, Tony Snow answered, "Look, he's handling it the
 way he handles all these things. I mean, I was up
watching election returns. The President is not a guy
who's -- I'm afraid he doesn't get on the couch, Jim.
What he does is -- the statement he's made many
times is, 'What it is is what it is'. And what you
have to do is now figure out how you're going to
proceed." Tony's ability to speak incoherently in
the same way his boss does is apparently a function
of the Presidential Mood Bracelet he wears on
his right wrist.
Max Mayfield is retiring as the director
of the National Hurricane Center. When
he was asked recently why so few tropical
storms and hurricanes struck the United
States this year, he merely looked skyward
and shrugged.
Come January, we won't have Ken Mehlman to laugh
at anymore. Oh well, we're confident the new chairman
of the Republican National Committee will be even funnier
than his predecessor.
Published this past March at $27.95 retail,
a new copy of this hardcover book can now be
purchased through ABEbooks.com for only $1.00.
Are you going to let this opportunity to own a
modern classic pass you by?
Swift Boat Underwriter Bob Perry Pisses $9 Million
in Feckless Attempt to Douse Democratic Wildfire
The Japanese have introduced a new line
of brassieres which double as shopping bags.
Sizes include Baguette, Vienna, Boule, and
Knackerbrod.

Friday, November 10, 2006

Charles Krauthammer Loses Big in the Stock Market
of the Soul; Is Forced to Declare Moral Bankruptcy
President of Texas A&M Selected to Be 
New Coach of the Iraq Quagmire Swim Team
George Bush Distancing Himself from Dick Cheney
In the aftermath of last Tuesday's elections, infighting
within the Republican Party has already begun.
Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao Attempts to Toast
Russian Premier Mikhail Fradkov, But Misses

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Election Night 2006 was especially hard on the pets owned
by wealthy Republicans. Take, for instance, this Dogue de
Bordeaux, the pampered pet of Texas gazillionaire Bob Perry.
As you can see, this canine is so lachrymose somebody had
better call the Suicide Hotline before it's too late.
Kylie Minogue is the first female celebrity to market a
self-titled fragrance in an economical half-gallon size.
She says the idea came to her when, while signing
autographs for her fans, her nostrils were filled
with the stench of the Great Unwashed.
Focus on the Family's James Dobson Offering
Biblical Proofs Supporting His Decision to
Avoid 'Laying On of Hands' as the Best Method
for Rehabilitating ReverendTed Haggard
Log in to eBay right now and you'll discover
that Bush's Brain is for sale. It would seem the
President really has no use for one during his last
two years as a lame duck. The starting bid is $1.99,
with no reserve.
A few days before the midterm elections on November 7,
Karl Rove brushed off an NPR reporter's comments about
what polls were showing by saying, "You are entitled to your
math and I'm entitled to THE math." Well, Karl got THE math
he was entitled to, with the Democrats sweeping Republican
majorities out of both the House and the Senate.
Senator George Allen Concedes He's One Flapjack
Shy of a Short Stack
"Take a look at this card! It proves I was once the
Senate Majority Leader. How could you possibly
have already forgotten someone as important as me?
You must be suffering from Alzheimer's!"
"Senator Burns, is it true the door didn't hit
you in the ass as you were leaving the Senate?"
President Bush says the Democratic sweep last
Tuesday really hurt his feelings.
Zoologists at the Wolong Giant Panda Research Center
say that the favorite game of panda cubs is pile-on.
"I'm proud to announce I've just received a Lifetime
Achievement Award for Political Recycling."
It's official! The capital of California will be moved
from Sacramento to Hollywood.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

ÜberAggie Robert Gates Succeeds Donald Rumsfeld as
Secretary of Defense; Texas Longhorns Join Iraqi Insurgency
If you didn't see the fireworks display last night
when the Democrats buried Republicans all
over the United States, here's the instant replay.
President Bush Helping Dick Pombo Wave
Good-bye to His Political Career
Eschewing rhyme and meter, the Secretary of
Defense, Donald Rumsfeld, used free verse today
to announce he was resigning. Here's what
he said: "Twist my arm he did not put my ass
in a sling shot my wad while my brain I racked
up points my way outta here. Flauschink!"
To NOT see the face of Curt Weldon on Capitol Hill
anymore will be a pleasure so excruciating it'll
almost be painful.
President Bush Eating Cream of Crow
Rubberface Elected As Indepublicrat;
Declares Sainthood and Is Appointed by
the United Nations as Moralist-General
These Republican ducks are more than lame.
They're dead.
Jason Voorhees has enrolled in a workforce
redevelopment program in order to retool
his slasher skills.


Claudio Pinto Before He Heard the
Results of the Midterm Elections

After He Heard

'Rick Santorum, Senator Emeritus'.
Ah, truth has a ring to it that is like
a sweet lullaby.
The picture of Katherine Harris we've all been waiting for.
Capitol Braces for Pelosian Invaders
Red-State Supporter Celebrating Bolshevik Revolution

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

This Republican ostrich pulled its head out of the sand, saw
that Rick Santorum is senatorial history, said "I stick with Rick,"
and then stuck its head back in the sand.
If ever there was a woman who deserves the ugliest
epithet ever invented, it would have to be Katherine
Harris. So it's time for Elmer Fudd to say it:
"Good widdance to bad wubbish, you dumb cunt!"
Even Vladimir Putin is eavesdropping tonight on the
election results in the United States.
Voters Playing New Video Game Hit,
America Votes 2006
Republican Candidates Struggling to Drive the Bush Sled
Monica Lewinsky Switches Political Parties, Says She
Wonders What a Republican Prick Tastes Like
Where's Tonto?
George and Jeb Doing the Hugger-Mugger

Monday, November 06, 2006

President Bush Issuing the Executive Order to Kneecap
Anybody Who Doesn't Take Two Sugars and a Double Shot
of Fat-Free French Vanilla Coffee-Mate in Their Morning
Vente-Sized Cuppa Joe
Q: What do you get when a bunch of parrots feed
from the mouth of Karl Rove?
A: The right-wing blogosphere.
As Jim Talent, the Republican senatorial candidate
from Missouri, spoke, President Bush put on his magic
glasses. With these, he could see his approval rating at
91%, a vibrant democracy in Iraq, and Kim Jong-Il vying
with Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to be the first to say,
"For being part of the Axis of Evil, I repent in sackcloth
and ashes." What the President saw couldn't help but
make him smile.
When Ken Mehlman, Chairman of the Republican
National Committee, goes to hell, his face will be
frozen in the pose in which you see it now. That's
the good news. The bad news is his hellmates will
be forced to stare at his face for all eternity.