Mugly Wins World's Worst Canine Combover Contest

Waxy Monkey Tree Frog Denies Using 'Horse Juice' 

to Jump Higher

Coming Soon to a Theatre Near You #68

Let's Scare Peter King to Death

'Former Asian' Anson Chi 'Goes Galt', 

Is Arrested for Possessing Explosive

Device

If Jerry Sandusky had been tried as a Republican,

the Fox News headline today would read,

 'Sandusky Aquitted on Three Counts!'

Mitt Romney, Outsourcerer

Fearguth's Hall of Wackos #396

Kent Clizbe

Dweebs, Dorks, and Doofuses #12

Trey Gowdy

"Rielle, there's something about you that reminds me

of Liz Cheney."

New Poll Shows 63% of Republicans Still Believe Iraq 

Had WMD in 2003, While Only 50% Still Believe in the 

Tooth Fairy

Who, besides fools and knaves, would want to be part of an

 institution held in contempt by 83% of the American people?  

Keep this mind as you vote in this November's congressional 

election.

"Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. and Mrs.

Scott Fumblebrag!"

"OK, so you're not Guy Fieri?  You

coulda fooled me!"

Bye-Bye Jesse, Hello Gabrielle!

"Quite honestly, Congressman, I'm so

spaced out right now I couldn't tell the

difference between heroin, marijuana, 

cocaine, and bath salts."

When you consider the case of Denny

Rehberg (R-MT), you come to the

realization that some people simply

cannot be de-kooked.

Romney's Five Sons Describe Him as an 

'Adorable Merry Prankster'

Ron Paul Calls for New Emancipation Proclamation 

to Free Him and 61 Million Other Americans

from Social Security Slavery

Eric Thompson, Online Gun Dealer Linked to Mass 

Shootings, Stiffs 200 Customers, Says He's "Blown 

Away by the Coincidences"

Roger L. Simon, Sexagenarian Hipster, Asks:  

"Are Liberals the New Squares?"

Warm Scuzzies #302

Michael Lucas

Ken Bennett, Arizona's Secretary of State, now believes

that Barack Obama was indeed born in Hawaii but that the

future president later fraudulently claimed he was born in 

Kenya so that he could get into college.  Since his college

days, Bennett further believes, Obama has spent millions

 of dollars trying to hide this fact.  More and more, it is

becoming clear that Mr. Bennett was shaken as an 

infant and baked as as adult.

Two-Minute Haters #28

David Yarushalmi

Joseph Goebbels Sez:  "Gun control caused

the Holocaust, not Nazis."

Todd Palin to Star in New Reality TV

Show, The Scavengers

Hitler Wannabe Has Moustache Malfunction

Fearguth's Hall of Wackos #395

Barbara Espinosa

Congressman Joe Barton Sez:  "I don't want to 

answer that question. That's a clown question, bro."

Nuns on the Bus Have Steve King on the Run

Michael Steele Sez:  "I look in the mirror every 

morning and I say, 'I like this guy'.”

Modern-Day Fashion Slaves Happy to Pay

$350 for a Pair of Adidas Sneakers

It's difficult to sympathize with Brett McGurk, President 

Obama's failed nominee as ambassador to Iraq, since he

 was a primary architect of President Bush's troop 'surge'

 in Iraq in 2007.

Neil Munro Sez:  "I was just a victim of bad timing."

Conspiracy-Minded Alaska Militia Leader Guilty

 of Conspiracy to Kill Law Enforcement Officers

Is it necessary for light to reflect from the top of Joe Oliver's 

head before you realize that George Zimmerman is a creep?

"Of course, the rent is too high.  But so is the amount of 

time it takes me each day to keep all the hairs on my head

in proper alignment and TV-ready."

J. Neil Schulman Sez:  "How to do you like my

hat?  Wanna see my gun?"

The Unexpurgated Bible #77

And Jesus said, "Anthony Weiner, I still love 

thee even though thou art a Jew with a

smartphone like me."

Jesus has changed quite a bit since he died on the cross, arose

from the grave, and ascended into heaven 2000 years ago.  

Keep this in mind as you await the Parousia.

"Reminds me of when my Mom used to

starch my jeans."

Rumor has it that when he passes on, Thomas Friedman 

will have made arrangements with Virtual Eternity to create

 an avatar that will look like him, talk like him on TV, and

 write op-ed pieces like him for the New York Times for 

an infinite number of Friedman Units.

You get three guesses whether Blake Farenthold is a 

Republican congressman from Texas, and the first two 

don't count.

Rightbloggers and Other 

Internet Biohazards #126

The National Patriot

Portraying 87-year-old Phyllis Schlafly as a 

paralyzed, blind, precognitive mutant on life

support sounds about right.

Drug-Seeking Burglars Snort Dog's Cremains

World's Worst Yobs #254

Ruben Navarrette

Warm Scuzzies #301

David Nalbandian

"Great Scott, what a hose!"

"Yeah, they call me 'The Hoser'!"

Michigan Man Shoots Self in Crotch with .40-Caliber

 Glock, Won't Be Refilling Cialis Prescription Any

 Time Soon

Local Lout Sez:  "Joe Wilson rules, mofo!"