Steve Schmidt Advising John McCain to Implement

Plan 9 from Outer Space

"I bet nobody here can name an issue I have

flip-flopped on during the past 24 hours."

Fisherman says it now takes two hands

to handle a McCain whopper.

If Napoleon Had Opted for a Career in Fashion

Modeling Instead of World Conquest

Thanks to the influence of Monty Python, it is now widely

believed that nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.

That's not quite accurate. The Nuns of Savona do.

Asked how he keeps up with Alaskan affairs, Prime Minister

Putin says he climbs up on Philipp Kirkorov's shoulders and

looks due east.

On Friday, while Sarah Palin was defending the $200 million

in earmarks she had requested in 2008 as Governor of Alaska,

John McCain was denying that she had ever requested any.

That's pretty funny, isn't it, Senator?

"Do I look like I need lipstick? Get serious!

I need an extreme makeover."

"There she is, Myth America

There she is, our ideal."

"It's easy for me to go to Washington and, frankly, be

somewhat divorced from the day-to-day challenges

you non-Muppets have.”

What Sarah Palin was doing when she should

have been boning up on foreign policy.

"Lisa Schiffren has accused me of asking questions as if you

were a grad student. I know you attended five different

colleges before you got your bachelor's degree. But I was

unaware you had attended graduate school.

Which one, Sarah?"

World's Worst Yoobs #22

Lisa Schiffren

"She calls you 'Pootie-Poot', you call her 'Cocky Wacko'.

And then you ask her to explain the difference between

entente and detente. Vladimir, you should have

been a comedian!"

September 11 was officially over. The 24-hour

political ceasefire had finally come to an end.

Among friends, the Governor of Alaska refers to Eskimos

as 'Arctic Arabs'. They live in igloos like these.

Even the Sarah Palin Action Figure knows

what the Bush Doctrine is.

How were Rick Davis and John McCain supposed to know that

Raffaello Follieri was only pretending to be Gavin MacLeod,

the captain of the Love Boat?

World's Worst Yoobs #21

Nancy Pfotenhauer

Hulk Hogan Gets in Touch with His Inner Code Pink

As of September 10, 2008, Sarah Palin was still campaigning

with her 'training wheels' in place. And would someone please

remind us what office her husband is running for?

In Sarah Palin's world, female victims of rape had to pay for their

own medical exams and, if pregnant, had no choice but to bear the

child. It was, in short, a world created by 'a feminist revolution

without the feminists'.

"Did you say this earmark is called 'The Thrilla from Wasilla'?"

"Yes, Senator."

"My, my, my, that's a lot of pork! What do you think they fed

it to make it so huge?"

"Hogwash, Senator, nothing but hogwash."

McCain 2.0 Running Against Obama/Biden, GOP,

Mainstream Media, Washington Insiders, Coastal

Elites, Democratic Party, McCain 1.0

Bush Administration Officials Exchange Sex for Oil;

Gives the Slogan, 'Drill Baby, Drill!', Added Meaning

Which Is More Dangerous?

Putting lipstick on a pig,

or on a pit bull?

If John McCain had an immortal soul,

it would look like this.

The Sphinx Cat was beginning to wonder if we may be

living through a lost episode of Fantasy Island.

Reigning NBA MVP Kobe Bryant will not have surgery on his

right pinkie, because it would keep him from casting magic

spells for too long.

You may have noticed that John McCain and Todd Palin are always

by Sarah's side on the campaign trail. That's because she still needs

'training wheels', so to speak, during the election cycle.

Alaska Governor Sarah Palin has billed taxpayers for 312 nights

spent in her own home in Wasilla during her first 19 months in office.

In other words, she gets paid her regular salary plus a per diem

allowance to grind up caribou for the yummy hot dogs she frequently

prepares for her family. If we all could double-dip into the public

purse like Sarah does, we might vote Republican, too.

“The Republicans are intellectually unfit to govern right now,”

David Brooks writes. Couldn't the same be said of Republicans

who write columns for the New York Times right now?

Man Says He's Eaten 23,000 Big Macs Since 1972

President Bush Endorsing Recommendation to Withdraw

8,000 Troops From Iraq After He Leaves Office

"This election is not about issues," says Rick Davis,

campaign manager for McCain/Palin. "This election

is about a composite view of what people think about

important things, like the stylishness of John's and

Sarah's shoes."

Even though it is proved beyond a reasonable doubt

that a candidate for President of the United States

is a chronic liar, that doesn't mean a majority of the

American electorate won't vote for him. It could well

be that the majority finds a liar and his lies to be much

more congenial than truth.

Showing deference to Sarah Palin is sure hard on the knees.

Who is hiding inside the Trojan Moose?

Good guess!

"Never forget, my dear: the best caribou is a dead caribou!"

If you want another tax cut, you're going to have to get in line.

Clinton Campaign Strategist

New Republic Blogger

Indie Rock Critic

Fox News Commentator

Bête Noir of Media Whores Online

Hair Club for Men Dropout

Meet Howard Wolfson

The woman was disappointed to learn the more

experienced she became, the older she got.

"Really, Charlie, do I look like Sarah Palin?"

If you want to know what time it is in Jammu,

just ask these guys.

In this week's Parade magazine, Warren Buffett tells his

readers '10 Ways to Get Rich'. There's an 11th way he left

out: marry Cindy Lou Hensley.

"Pardon me, young ladies, but is this the

line for a Bowl of Promises?"

Does anyone know the release date for the Nintendo Wii

version of the Republican National Convention?