“We’re confident that Kim Jong-il's long-range missiles

are so poorly designed and constructed that they will fall

only on Iraq, Iran, and North Korea, thus destroying the

Axis of Evil in one swell foop.”

“Let me go over this one more time, Laura. Franz Ferdinand

was a band from England assassinated while playing in

Wienerschnitzel, Austria, in 1941, and this is what started

World War II. Right?”

So as to avoid being overheard by the National Security Agency,

Karen Hughes whispered, “If you don’t let go of my arm, Karl,

I’m going to crush your nuts!”

The King of Sweden couldn't figure out where to start eating

the Incredible Edible Egg Chair. The Queen couldn't either.

Having scarfed down a plate of 'Richard Anconina' Arborio

risotto with creamed asparagus and parmesan flakes at

Fouquet's, Sarko the Giant hurried off to antagonize some

more riff-raff.

"Will you still need me, will you still feed me,

when I'm sixty-four?"

In the run-up to last fall's elections, gas prices dropped

dramatically. But the Republicans got whupped on November

7, and gas prices have shot back up since then, reaching

all-time highs. Life is filled with amazing coincidences, isn't it?

T. Rex's insatiable appetite for Torosauruses was putting

a real strain on Cleveland's zoo budget.

Senate Passes Bill to Give the FDA Bigger Teeth

Moonbat and Wingnut were battering rams who kept

the blogosphere atwitter.

Sean and Katherine, the Original Tighty Whities

The cat had repeated "Come and get me, copper!"

one too many times.

"Now hear this, now hear this,

this is your captain speaking.

Do not abandon ship until I give the order.

I repeat:

Do not abandon ship until I give the order."

If the blindfolded lead the blindfolded . . .

"The problem with us Democrats," says Lanny Davis,

"is too many of us are like me."

A Skeptic's Prayer

"O God (if you exist),

please send Tony Blair to Hell (if it exists)."

"Don't look now, George, but that's history over

there just waiting to sweep us into the dustbin."

"Do I know I received a law degree from Harvard University in 1982?

I think I may be aware of that."

Proof Positive the President Is a Snake-Oil Sniffer

Palestinians and Israelis Enrolled in Collaborative

Learning Program Begin Construction of New Pyramid

"Standing here at ground zero of the US attorney tornado,

I am happy to report I have weathered the storm."

'Nudie Circles' Latest Evidence of Extraterrestrial Visitation

Tzipi Livni had been given the unenviable task of playing

nursemaid to an increasingly simple-minded Prime Minister.

The US soldier felt privileged to be the recipient of

the last rose of Baghdad.

Purdue Pharma, maker of OxyContin, is expected to plead

guilty today on charges it was the foremost facilitator of

Rush Limbaugh.

Creationists Claim Fossil Prints Prove Co-Existence

of Humans and Michelinosaurs

Push this button on June 27, and Tony Blair will disappear.

Now, if we can just find the Bush button . . .

"You don't have to be mad to play in the NBA.

But it sure helps."

World's Worst Jobs #37

Chinese Salt Miner

"Pardon me for saying so, Mr. Vice President, but your

outfit makes you look an awful lot like The Penguin."

Senior Administration Official in Straitjacket Greeted at

Airport by Baghdad Asylum Keeper

France Elects Sarko the Giant to Be Its

First Seven-Foot Napoleon

Puss 'N Boobs

World's Worst Yobs #9

David Horowitz

"I understand your last name means 'Big Bad Brainy Wolf', Paul.

Well, Fred tells me mine means 'Little Red Riding Hood'."

It gradually became clear why

Angela and George had had another one

of their extramarital spats.

Graduates of the University of Leipzig's Renowned

Beard Management Program, Class of 2007

Joseph Sepp Blatter and Gordon Brown Discover Chris

Matthews' Original Hardball Wasn't So Hard After All

Princess Beatrice Kisses Frog,

Contracts Chytridiomycosis

Have you tried one of Annie Munoz's new

taste sensations, a worm-filled lollipop?

Green Sea Turtle Becoming Nauseous at the Sight

of Nearly-Nude Tourists

Baseball As Seen from the Fly-Ball-on-the-Wall

Point of View

Ian Paisley and Martin McGuinness have gotten Northern

Ireland's new joke-sharing government off to a hilarious start.

Without her skis, Anja Paerson is like a fish out of water.

Renato didn't kid around when he drank a glass of beer.

"Holy cow! How long has it been since we've seen each other?

Two minutes? Five minutes? Whatever, it's been too long!"

"Unh, unh, unh! I didn't say 'Simon says, grab the bar'."

The Queen couldn't be sure, but she thought she heard

someone yell "Oh shut up, Big-nose!" during the singing

of The Star-Spangled Banner.

Setting the Stage for Backyard Tire Fire's Release

Party for Their New CD, Vagabonds and Hooligans