Fearguth will be on the ground at the Bonnaroo

Music Festival June 14-17, 2007. He will be offline

until June 19. Your condolences will be appreciated.

After a long night of waterboarding by the President,

Republican hardliners finally confessed they are members

of al-Qaida. But they still refused to vote for his immigration

reform plan.

If you knew what the squirrel monkey knows,

you'd hug your fuzzy ducky, too.

The next time you are tempted to bitch about flight delays,

just remember this: the airlines are doing the best they can.

"Other than Jimmy Neutron, the only animated character

who gets as many laughs as I do is George Bush. But his show

is scheduled to be cancelled in January, 2009, and, besides, he

has never been Nickelodeon quality. But you already know

that, doncha kid?"

"They can have their votes of no-confidence but it's not going to

make the determination about who serves in MY government.

Likewise, I'm the one who decides if my wristwatch broke down on

the streets of Rome or if my limo was stolen by an Albanian pickpocket."

The President was caught off guard when the reporter

asked, "Is it true the first part of Dubya is Duh?"

The good news: Rudy went to the mountaintop.

The bad news: he came back.

Her pro-life posture began to relax a bit when she

saw how unrestricted curbside baby delivery was

working out in practice.

"Will you come, will you, will you,

will you come to the bower?"

"I might, Fair Maid, I might,

but thy water bill doth affright."

When Kenyon Dooling says he can make a basket

with his eyes closed, it's no brag--just fact.

George Dickel Tennessee Whisky Eggs

World's Worst Jobs #46

Israeli Rocket Retriever

Woman Plays Host to World's Biggest Louse

Not only did Hugh Yik lose the skating competition, which

was bad enough. But then he was sued by Wyeth Consumer

Healthcare for putting their brand in a bad light.

According to the rules of Sumo, if you catch a rikishi

that's too small, you have to throw it back.

Too late, Silvio Berlusconi realized he could

have had a V-8.

PETA Demonstrator Given Bare Bum's Rush

"If they don't play by the rules, we've got to use our force,

and to me, that would include dropping Senator McCain

on Iran to stop them from doing what they're doing."

Vladimir Putin smiled broadly when Sarko the Giant

insisted he was never drunk at the G8 Summit, only

short of breath. "And that's the only shing thort

about me!" he added emphatically.

Ian Poulter, the über-stylish British golfer, credits much of

his success to his life-long infatuation with jackass slacks.

On June 27, 2007, Tony Blair will drink the Hemlock of

Political Nonentitude. That's also Ass Wednesday, so

mark your calendar.

"It's Monty P-a-n-e-s-a-r, not P-y-t-h-o-n,

you dumbarse fOkk!"

Kotooshu Throws Kotoshogiko in Dohyō,

or

Friday Night Smackdown at Benihana

"I think," says Georgia Republican Representative Jack Kingston,

"it's important for elected officials to know the importance of the flag.

It would take a constitutional amendment to further protect the flag,

but there are groups who have strong emotions about the flags and we

have debates about it. Thank God we have a special day, Flag Day, for

me to explain these deep things to you."

World's Worst Jobs #45

Indian Cow Pattie Dryer

"Gotta wind this up. Talk atcha later. Bye!"

Victoria Beckham Baffles Batters with

Screw-You-Ball

National Bird Asks for Leave of Absence Until 2009, Says

Symbolizing Country Led by Turkeys Bad for Self-Esteem

General Fearguth Leads Army of Peacemongers to

Victory in the Battle of Wakarusa

Israeli Soldier Not Fooled by Cheap Plasma TV Knockoff

Offered by Palestinian Spammer

They had been debating the pros and cons of the

Ontological Argument for the existence of God

when someone yelled, "Horseshit!" That's when

Stormy got riled.

The villagers of Fushe Kruje were thrilled when President

Bush gave them his secret 'Albanian Wave'.

Race Officials Say Formula One Crash Due to "No Intel Inside"

"My friends say I'm a strong murderous beast, with jaws as

powerful as a steel trap and an insatiable appetite for tigers,

lions, elephants, buffaloes, donkeys, giraffes, octopuses,

rhinoceroses, moose, chickens, ducks, and rabbits.

My enemies say I also eat my friends."

Disguised as his disciples, the enemies of Tang Seng

groomed him for his Journey to the Land of the

Summer Solstice.

Snowy Owl Mighty Pissed by Global Warming

If Goofy Had Been a Multibillionaire

Roger Waters Tosses Baseball at The Dark Side of the Moon,

Misses, Hits The Wall Instead

Fans of the Ottawa Senators were really steamed when

their team lost to the Anaheim Ducks.

She got the monkey off her back. Now if she

could just get the iguana off her head.