"Listen up, guys! We may just be little brown birds,

but we have the power to bring this stock market

bull back to life. So, let's perch a little harder like

they do on CNBC."

When Attorney-General Eric Holder is dead and gone,

do you think he'll be remembered primarily for his

immaculately-trimmed moustache or for something

even less significant?

OK, so your new energy-efficient, green-compliant,

solar-powered roadster still leaves you stuck in

rush-hour traffic. Sorry, but traffic jams weren't

invented in the 21st century and they're not

likely to disappear until the 22nd century (if

then). So, be patient. Remember: it's a virtue.

Coming Soon to a Theatre Near You #16

Head of Erick Erickson Lands Starring Role in

Re-Animator 4: the RedState Army of Activists

Visits the House of the Rising Sun

Ratio of the Importance of a Political Leader

to the Body Politic

Before he takes Hugo Chavez's advice and follows the

path to Socialism, President Obama needs to realize

it's uphill all the way and makes you sweat a lot.

I Remember Dubya #13

On many occasions, Dubya extended his hand with

a 'Master and Commander' look on his face and

absolutely nothing would happen.

What if you had to make your living wearing

the nightmares of fashion designers? You'd

probably look pissed all the time, too.

There is only one dog in this picture. Can you tell which one?

Fearguth's Rules of Order #25

If you're thinking of adopting a two-headed turtle, you

should keep in mind it won't eat any more than a

one-headed turtle but there will be quarrels over

which head gets to eat first.

After dipping a sadhu in milk and rolling it in flour,

either deep fry or pan fry. Do NOT microwave.

"Women in politics tend to look rather androgynous.

I mean, you know, Barbara Mikulski or Helen Thomas.

Me? I tend to look rather thanatogenous."

"The omnibus spending bill is a swollen, wasteful,

egregious example of out-of-control spending and

has nasty, big, pointy teeth!"

TigerHawk, the Six-Figure Blogger and YouTuber, has

been working extra-long hours lately and is in no mood

for lazybones, like you, to even gaze upon his hard-earned

meritoriousness.

Even little kitty cats were beginning to worry about

the state of the economy.

Dog Goes Batshit Crazy

Rush Challenges Obama to Debate;

Obama Challenges Rush to Bend

Down and Touch His Toes

Inside these walls, Glenn Beck is preparing himself for

the Second Battle of the Alamo. He has promised his

boss, Roger Ailes, that he is willing to sit on the inside,

broadcasting the play-by-play, until the last shot is

fired and the forces led by Santa Anna's great-great-

grandson finally cut his mic.

Fearguth's Hall of Wackos #19

Zach Wamp

Study Shows Optimists Live Longer

and Healthier Lives

Little Boy Expresses Opinion Re: Cheese Danish

Rush Limbaugh Smoking One of the

New Virtual Electronic Cigars

"Prophet Muhammad, may Allah raise his rank,

has said that Friday is the best day of the week.

May I not be as repulsive on this day as I am on

the other six."

Flag Desecration #17

"I'm Alex Castellanos, America, and in case you're

wondering, that's my Republican thumb up your butt!"

I Remember Dubya #12

One of Dubya's most flagrant unconstitutional power grabs

was when he acted like he was the Conductor-in-Chief of

the United States.

Of all the Mad Money men on CNBC, Jim Cramer

was in the best position to be added to the Obama

Administration's 'Enema List'.

"Hmmm ... Rush Limbaugh makes a lot more money and

is much more famous when the Republicans are out of

power. Sooo ... Rush does his dead level best to make

sure the Republicans stay out of power. Gadzooks, what a

sly dog he is! Better than leading a gang of pickpockets any

day, I'd say, or my name isn't Fagin!"

It’s no surprise that many prominent Republicans are

forecasting a long political winter for their party.

So, better bundle up, GOPers!

World's Worst Yobs #81

Robert Emmett Tyrrell, Jr.

What is it about Karl Rove that reminds one of

a grub worm?

If you enjoy watching infomercials, you

don't have to wait until late-night, like

you do on some cable channels. Just

tune in CNBC, where you can watch

Wall Street infomercials 24/7.

Obama Grayer, Whiter after 44 Days

The Treasury Secretary had begun to wonder

if what Jimmy Cayne had said about the size

of his manhood might be true.

"Those torture memos I wrote were not for public

consumption. They lack a certain polish, I think,

but you must remember they had to be simple

enough for President Bush to understand."

Jimmy Cayne, Ex-CEO of Bear Stearns, Tells

All About the Size of Tim Geithner's Penis

Wouldn't it be nice to live in a world where the main

disagreement between the two major political parties

was whether beer tastes better out of a can or out of a

bottle? And where a third party, at least every four

years, would claim it tastes even better on tap?

If you're a Democrat and one day find

Louisiana Republican Representative

Anh Cao in your closet, don't be surprised.

He admits he may well be a 'Closet Democrat'.

So, if you find him there, by all means, let

him come out.

After the de jure head of the Republican Party got roughed up

by the de facto head, he decided to change his name from

Michael Steele to Mickey Mousse.

In Roman Catholic theology, Limbaugh (Latin limbus, edge or

boundary, referring to the 'edge' of Hell) is an idea about the

afterlife condition of those who die in Original Sin.

Evan Bayh is one of those Democrats in the

Senate who is essentially invisible, unless,

that is, he gets an opportunity to cloud some

issue, like, say, President Obama's proposed

budget. Then you can see his irksome face,

limned by a buttermilk sky.

Revealed: the Headset That Mimics All Five Senses and

Makes Republican 'NO! Theatre' as Convincing as Real Life

Riot policemen will tell you that if you've never fired a

tear gas cannister, you really haven't lived.

"So what if my favorability rating in that NBC/WSJ

poll was 15%! That's only because 57% of the people

polled have never heard of me. Once they do, I'm

confident my favorability rating will be higher than

Rush Limbaugh's, which is over 20% right now."

The day came when even he couldn't bend it like Beckham.

Shortcircuit City

World's Worst Yobs #80

Ronald Radosh

Stanford Kurland, who made hundreds of millions of dollars

as the #2 man at now-defunct Countrywide, is now making a

killing with his new company, Pennymac, by buying up bad

residential loans for pennies on the dollar. As one observer

put it, “It is sort of like the arsonist who sets fire to the house

and then buys up the charred remains and resells it.” Greed,

someone has said, is always a growth industry.

With an approval rating of 26%, the

Republican Party is only slightly more

popular than athlete's foot, halitosis,

and Rush Limbaugh.