“Rape is like the weather. As long as it’s inevitable, you

might as well lie back and enjoy it.” That was Claytie

Williams speaking back in 1990. In 2008, he continued

to make amends for this gaffe by raising $300,000 for

John McCain's presidential campaign.

American Empire #25

Saber Rattling

Critics Say Treasury Secretary Paulson Getting

Too Little for His Britches

When Mike Allen enters the room, everything becomes jaundiced.

When Pope Benedict flies, there's no one in the cabin

except His Holiness and God.

“I will look you in the eye," says Senator McCain, "and 
promise you that I will get Osama bin Laden and 
bring him to justice. We need to increase the number 
of human spies abroad. We need people who can swim 
in the water.” Here we see one such spy, hot on the 
trail of the Al-Qaida mastermind.

John and Cindy McCain Report $225,000 in Credit Card Debt,

Ink Celebrity Endorsement Deal with Family Credit Management

New Mascot for the Associated Press

Razing McCain #13

Senator McCain sometimes says six impossible things

before breakfast which he contradicts before lunch and

denies saying before dinner.

Scott Bloch, head of the Office of Special Counsel, is fond

of gold neckties and sock puppets, sources say.

World's Worst Yobs #37

Ross Douthat

Uncontacted Tribe Spotted in Outer Wingnuttia

What Clarence Thomas Is Giving Tony Scalia for Father's Day

"Mr. Vice President, is it true that no one has leased the drilling

rights on your head because it doesn't contain truth in economically

producible quantities?"

Biologically, a human is a thirty-foot gut with a mouth on one

end and an anus on the other that eats, defecates, and dies.

Unlike earthworms, humans attempt to transcend their

biological nature by means of art.

Angry Bowel Syndrome

First Lady Criticized for Being 'Practically Naked'

"Your word is 'o-o'."

Obama's Baby Mama Hypnotizes Malkin's Baby Mama on Fox News

"The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind."

David Broder, Dean of the Corporate Buckrakers

Blank Slate #7

Top Stories from June 12, 2008

"What Summer Vacation?"

"Bill Murray's Pre-Nup"

"What the Heck Is 3G?"

"Werner Herzog's Quest to Make a South Pole Movie

Without Penguins"

"Why Doesn't Mugabe Just Retire?"

"A Defense of Virginity-Restoration Surgery"

"If you experience a sudden decrease or loss of vision and hearing,

stop taking Cialis, and call a doctor right away. We know it'll be

difficult to find the phone when you can't see and impossible to

follow your doctor's advice when you can't hear, but dems da

breaks, ya horny bastid!"

"No, Johnny, this isn't the Classics Illustrated version of

Ideal Marriage: Its Physiology and Technique."

Lightning Strikes New York Times Building,

Turns Bill Kristol Into Buckwheat

World's Worst Yoobs #16

Camille Paglia

World's Worst Jobs #82

Filipino Rice Warehouseman

He once described himself as "a rub-your-belly, 
grab-your-balls, give-you-a-hug, slap-your-back, 
pull-your-dick, squeeze-your-hand, cheek-your-face, 
and pat-your-thigh kind of guy." That was right

before he was sacked as the president of Northern 
Arizona University. Now he's been sacked as the
 chancellor of the American University of

Iraq. It would seem that ball-grabbing and 
dick-pulling aren't the skills needed to lead the
 transformation of Iraq into a liberal and

democratic society.

If McCain picks Jindal the Exorcist as his running mate,

Obama should pick Dr. John the Night Tripper as his.

Just as the large-print Bible was designed for the believer with

weak eyes, the large-bead rosary was created for the believer

with big hands.

"I will use the veto as needed. I will veto every 
single beer, er, ear, er, bill with beermarks, er, ear
 with billmarks, er, bill with earmarks.

Dang it, Cindy! I need another boilermaker!"

Scuba Doo

Things to Avoid #15

Having a Beer with Puppet the Psycho Dwarf Wrestler

"So, scientists have found monkeys who know how to fish, eh?

Big fucking deal! I've got an uncle who's been buying his

saltwater fishing gear at Bass Pro Shops for years."

"I have news for Senator Obama: I have met some very bad

people before in my life. Take Dick Cheney, for instance."

Meet Jim and Dawn Gibbons, the Governor and First Lady of

Nevada. She made her fortune in Reno wedding chapels;

he's losing his right now in a Nevada divorce court.

Is Dad stuck in the Iraq sand trap?
Remember him on Father's Day with a McCain Golf Pack.

Behind that smile, Anne Applebaum is wondering: "Will

Americans vote for a black man? Will foreigners accept a

black American President? Is my racism showing?"

American Empire #24

Proxy Wars

Every Friday, Tama uploads pictures of her owner to her blog.

She calls it 'Dumb Boss Blogging'.

His ability to persuade by means of speech having failed him,

Senator McCain began to rely heavily on the laying on of hands.

When the World Food Security Summit in Rome concluded recently,

evaluation questionnaires showed that attendees uniformly praised

the gourmet cuisine served during the three-day event. This may

explain why, on average, they gained a little over five pounds.

Tomatoes Pulled Off Shelves Amid Salmonella Scare;

"It's Not Just a Movie Anymore," Experts Say

One Killed, Two Injured in Soccer Pitch Pileup

When he awoke, the young boy found himself on the set of

M*A*S*H. How he got there he had no idea.

"No, ma'am, we're not crazy Mormons. We're the crazy

people from the Watchtower Bible and Tract Society."

"Now, now, dear, don't cry. When they call you

a 'marsupial', just tell them, 'Sticks and stones

may break my bones, but names will never hurt me'!"