Saturday, June 14, 2008

“Rape is like the weather. As long as it’s inevitable, you
might as well lie back and enjoy it.” That was Claytie
Williams speaking back in 1990. In 2008, he continued
to make amends for this gaffe by raising $300,000 for
John McCain's presidential campaign.
American Empire #25
Saber Rattling
Critics Say Treasury Secretary Paulson Getting
Too Little for His Britches
When Mike Allen enters the room, everything becomes jaundiced.
When Pope Benedict flies, there's no one in the cabin
except His Holiness and God.
“I will look you in the eye," says Senator McCain, "and 
promise you that I will get Osama bin Laden and 
bring him to justice. We need to increase the number 
of human spies abroad. We need people who can swim 
in the water.” Here we see one such spy, hot on the 
trail of the Al-Qaida mastermind.
John and Cindy McCain Report $225,000 in Credit Card Debt,
Ink Celebrity Endorsement Deal with Family Credit Management
New Mascot for the Associated Press

Razing McCain #13
Senator McCain sometimes says six impossible things
before breakfast which he contradicts before lunch and
denies saying before dinner.

Friday, June 13, 2008

Scott Bloch, head of the Office of Special Counsel, is fond
of gold neckties and sock puppets, sources say.
World's Worst Yobs #37
Ross Douthat
Uncontacted Tribe Spotted in Outer Wingnuttia
What Clarence Thomas Is Giving Tony Scalia for Father's Day
"Mr. Vice President, is it true that no one has leased the drilling
rights on your head because it doesn't contain truth in economically
producible quantities?"
Biologically, a human is a thirty-foot gut with a mouth on one
end and an anus on the other that eats, defecates, and dies.
Unlike earthworms, humans attempt to transcend their
biological nature by means of art.
Angry Bowel Syndrome
First Lady Criticized for Being 'Practically Naked'
"Your word is 'o-o'."
Obama's Baby Mama Hypnotizes Malkin's Baby Mama on Fox News

Thursday, June 12, 2008

"The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind."
David Broder, Dean of the Corporate Buckrakers
Blank Slate #7
Top Stories from June 12, 2008
"What Summer Vacation?"
"Bill Murray's Pre-Nup"
"What the Heck Is 3G?"
"Werner Herzog's Quest to Make a South Pole Movie
Without Penguins"
"Why Doesn't Mugabe Just Retire?"
"A Defense of Virginity-Restoration Surgery"
"If you experience a sudden decrease or loss of vision and hearing,
stop taking Cialis, and call a doctor right away. We know it'll be
difficult to find the phone when you can't see and impossible to
follow your doctor's advice when you can't hear, but dems da
breaks, ya horny bastid!"
"No, Johnny, this isn't the Classics Illustrated version of
Ideal Marriage: Its Physiology and Technique."
Lightning Strikes New York Times Building,

Turns Bill Kristol Into Buckwheat
World's Worst Yoobs #16
Camille Paglia
World's Worst Jobs #82
Filipino Rice Warehouseman
He once described himself as "a rub-your-belly, 
grab-your-balls, give-you-a-hug, slap-your-back, 
pull-your-dick, squeeze-your-hand, cheek-your-face, 
and pat-your-thigh kind of guy." That was right
before he was sacked as the president of Northern 
Arizona University. Now he's been sacked as the
 chancellor of the American University of
Iraq. It would seem that ball-grabbing and 
dick-pulling aren't the skills needed to lead the
 transformation of Iraq into a liberal and
democratic society.
If McCain picks Jindal the Exorcist as his running mate,

Obama should pick Dr. John the Night Tripper as his.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Just as the large-print Bible was designed for the believer with
weak eyes, the large-bead rosary was created for the believer
with big hands.
"I will use the veto as needed. I will veto every single beer, er, ear, er,
bill with beermarks, er, ear with billmarks, er, bill with earmarks.
Dang it, Cindy! I need another boilermaker!"
Scuba Doo
Things to Avoid #15
Having a Beer with Puppet the Psycho Dwarf Wrestler
"So, scientists have found monkeys who know how to fish, eh?
Big fucking deal! I've got an uncle who's been buying his
saltwater fishing gear at Bass Pro Shops for years."
"I have news for Senator Obama: I have met some very bad
people before in my life. Take Dick Cheney, for instance."
Meet Jim and Dawn Gibbons, the Governor and First Lady of
Nevada. She made her fortune in Reno wedding chapels;
he's losing his right now in a Nevada divorce court.
Is Dad stuck in the Iraq sand trap?
Remember him on Father's Day with a McCain Golf Pack.
Behind that smile, Anne Applebaum is wondering: "Will
Americans vote for a black man? Will foreigners accept a
black American President? Is my racism showing?"
American Empire #24
Proxy Wars

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Every Friday, Tama uploads pictures of her owner to her blog.
She calls it 'Dumb Boss Blogging'.
His ability to persuade by means of speech having failed him,
Senator McCain began to rely heavily on the laying on of hands.
When the World Food Security Summit in Rome concluded recently,
evaluation questionnaires showed that attendees uniformly praised
the gourmet cuisine served during the three-day event. This may
explain why, on average, they gained a little over five pounds.
Tomatoes Pulled Off Shelves Amid Salmonella Scare;
"It's Not Just a Movie Anymore," Experts Say

One Killed, Two Injured in Soccer Pitch Pileup
When he awoke, the young boy found himself on the set of
M*A*S*H. How he got there he had no idea.
"No, ma'am, we're not crazy Mormons. We're the crazy
people from the Watchtower Bible and Tract Society."
"Now, now, dear, don't cry. When they call you
a 'marsupial', just tell them, 'Sticks and stones
may break my bones, but names will never hurt me'!"