This is Roger L. Simon in the daytime. People who

know him well say he looks better in his pajamas.

If the Commander-in-Chief seems a bit stooped

these days, it's because he's carrying so many dead

and wounded American soldiers on his back.

Let's assume you live in Iran.

Would you want this guy to

'democratize' you?

Someone has captured on film the precise

moment when Ben Domenech was being spat

out of the blogosphere like a watermelon seed.

Last night, thousands of people in Melbourne saw

what they claim was a UFO from outer space.

The Australian government disputes this claim,

saying it was nothing more than a weather balloon.

Austrian Chancellor Wolfgang Schuessel

could tell that something was rotten in

Denmark, and it wasn't just the cartoons.

Defying the authorities, the old Bedouin

ignored all the 'Thank You for Not Smoking'

signs posted in the Negev Desert.

After pummeling each other mercilessly for

three rounds, Steve Smith and Lassi Mehrullah

decided to kiss and make up.

Senator Rick Santorum learned the hard way that

'liar, liar, pants on fire!' was more than a children's rhyme.

Today's gossip at The Washington Post

is that Jim Brady and Debbie Howell are

much better skaters than they are journalists.

With spring training well underway, the Cardinals

are hopeful they will return to the form that led

them to successfully elect a new pope in 2005.

Yesterday, this Krasnoyarsk woman was one

of about 3,000 who protested against the

skyrocketing cost of toothpaste in Siberia.

The Michigan judge decided to

withdraw his nomination to the

6th Circuit Court of Appeals

because he got tired of people

mispronouncing his last name.

As a reward for how well he handled the

Red America affair, The Washington Post

presented Jim Brady with an autographed

copy of Google Top 100 Simplified Tips & Tricks.

Texas Governor Rick Perry is like

that annoying rattle in your car:

you can't figure out what's causing it,

and it just won't go away.

"I don't know Ben Domenech, but I've always

found him impressive," said John Podhoretz.

Asked how he found someone impressive

he didn't know, Mr. Podhoretz said he didn't know.

Although Tom Delay's right to carry a concealed

handgun in the State of Texas has been suspended, his right

to carry a concealed Weed 'N Bug Eliminator Sprayer hasn't.

Is Joan Vennochi a faux Democrat?

The answer is written all over her face.

Surrounded by journalists, the President joked

that he felt like a lion in a den full of Daniels.

Not being as up-to-date on the Bible as he,

the journalists didn't laugh.

If your dream girl were to look into

your eyes the way Laura Ingraham

does in this picture, would you think

1) it's time to hit the sack, or

2) it's time to trash the 80 journalists

who have been killed in Iraq?

If you guessed #1, try again.

Yevgeny Bubnov wants to make Russian the official

language in the Crimea. He's fighting an uphill battle

against Mauro Mujica who wants the official

language to be English.

"Will I, Abdul Rahman, be the first to die from

an overdose of American democracy in Afghanistan?"

"There's not a lick of truth to

the preposterous claim that Ignite!,

the company I own, has found a way to tap

into Eternal Hellfire as an alternative energy source."

"Here's how we Bushes do business, children.

First, we donate money to aid Hurricane Katrina victims,

but we earmark it so it goes to a company owned by someone

in our family. Second, we take the donation as a

deduction on our income tax, even though we are

investors in the company. If you follow our example,

in no time, you'll be just as rich as we are."

American automakers were confident that their new

all-asbestos models would be a hit with the French.

Road Rage á la Française

This portrait of Ben Domenech had been scheduled

to be added to the permanent collection of the

Home School Hall of Fame. But, at the last moment,

it was discovered it was really a picture of P. J. O'Rourke.

U. S. Ambassador to Iraq,

Zalmay Khalilzad, spends a lot of time in a

sound-proof room at the U. S. Embassy, sitting in

front of TV cameras, repeating a single message:

"I gotta get out of this place

if it's the last thing I ever do."

William H. T. Bush has collected a cool $2.7 million

in cash and stock as director of a company that

supplied defective equipment to our troops in Iraq.

Even his famous nephew counts his fingers after

shaking hands with Uncle Bucky.

Big Brother Watching Little Brother

Watching You

"And when I get to Iraq, you won't find me

reporting the bad news you can only see from

hotel balconies. No, I'll be reporting the

good news you can only get from camping out

on the ground in my North Face Tadpole 23."

Talk radio host Laura Ingraham is reportedly headed

to Baghdad, intent on reporting all the good news

overlooked by the 80 journalists who have died in Iraq.

"A member of my Advance Team

made the mistake once of not having the

TV in my hotel room tuned to Fox News.

Notice I said 'once', because I fired his

sorry ass on the spot."

After his remarkably brief career at The

Washington Post had ended, Ben Domenech

went on to become a hermit of St. Augustine.

It took raw courage, but Ben Domenech showed it when

he fearlessly plagiarized P. J. O'Rourke, earning as a result

a Real American Hero Patch.

For those bloggers out there who don't

own dogs or cats but who want to

show pictures of their pet fish

without all the fuss and bother, the Japanese have

come up with the perfect solution: robot koi.

Do you remember this guy?

He's R. Emmett Tyrrell, Jr.

Once upon a time, he believed

he was going to destroy

'Boy Clinton' singlehandedly.

Today, he believes that a good rock and roll

tune hasn't been written in ten years.

Do you understand now why you

don't remember this guy?

Although Jeff Goldstein didn't know it at the time,

all the naughty words he learned from his buddies

in the Air Force would really pay off some day.

Did you know that in addition to

being a master of wicked words,

Jeff Goldstein freelances for Jenny Craig?

"It’s time for Democrats who distrust President Bush

to acknowledge that he will be the commander in chief

for three more critical years and that in matters of war

we undermine the president’s credibility at our nation’s peril."

For some unknown reason, Senator Lieberman suddenly

interrupted his speech, claiming that he was

quoting himself out of context.

When it was revealed that his

Scooter Libby TV lovefests might have

some relation to his father's role as an

advisor to the Libby Legal Defense Trust,

Tucker Carlson remained tight-lipped.

"To think that my father is the Richard

Carlson who starred in I Led Three Lives

is even more ridiculous than my bowtie."

"An easy way to remember how to pronounce

my last name is to think 'torture you'."

On the night he received the Al Goldstein Prize for

his colorful epithet, 'bandwidth sucking cocklords',

Jeff Goldstein really put on the dog.

Jeff Goldstein was all smiles

when notified he had set

a new record for the number of

obscenities he was able to compress

into a single comment to his own blog.

Jeff Goldstein wasn't sure, but he had a

sneaking suspicion that someone was

peering at him through the picture frame.

Having been evicted from

Tom Cruise's closet,

Trey Parker and Matt Stone

were trying to figure out

where to move to next.

The Japanese-built RI-MAN humanoid
can see, hear, smell, and play with dolls.

In the spirit of capitalist efficiency, President Hu Jintao

reduced the Chinese version of the Decalogue from

Ten Commandments to Eight.

The Professor was displeased when it

was disclosed he always wears a jacket

to cover his Ward Churchill tattoos.