Survivor of Knife Attack Hires Those Who Knifed

Him in 2000 to Knife His Opponents in 2008

Having descended to the Second Circle of Hell

(with seven more to go), Irving Kristol, the founder

of neoconservatism, is already beginning to doubt

whether fathering Bill was a good idea.

God Trying to Put His Finger on the

Pigeon Overpopulation Problem

"OK, let me review your order to make sure I got it right.

Mom and Dad want Red, White, and Blue Burger Baskets,

Sis wants a big mess of Medal of Freedom Fries, Little Mr.

Peppermint wants a short order of Tall Texan Chickenhawk

Wings, and Number 36 wants anything that doesn't have

strained spinach in it. Remember, my name is George Bush,

and I'll be your server today. God bless America."

"Who says I stole Bob Dole's ballpoint pen?"

Sign at eBay Headquarters to Be Put Up for Auction at Sotheby's

Archaeologists are those people who loved to play in the

sandbox as kids and just never grew up.

"Hey, check out the pecs on #60!"

"Those aren't pecs, you ninny, those are tits!"

Attractive Jewelry, Unattractive Foot

ExxonMobil Tiger Appointed Lee Raymond Resident Scholar

in Climatology at American Enterprise Institute

ExxonMobil Making Its Weekly Delivery of Cash

to the American Enterprise Institute

"You're absolutely right, Mr. President. The best part

of waking up, is Folger's in your cup."

This photograph of General George Casey testifying before

the Armed Services Committee had been cropped so you

couldn't see the knife Senator McCain had stuck in his back.

"One of the things you should conclude from this NIE,"

said National Security Adviser Stephen Hadley, "is the

best plan is to have this plan succeed. In other words, we

hope Plan A succeeds because all Plan B says is:

'You're screwed'."

"I'm a really cool cat."

"Cool cat, my foot! You're a dog, George, a real dog!"

Attorney-General Reacting to Announcement He Was

Being Busted to Attorney-Buck Private

Jack Lord as Stony Burke

Jack Lord as Stony Burka

Yoda Makes Surprise Appearance at Federal Hall in New York City

to Hear President's Remarks on the Economy

President Bush reached out frantically before he was

swallowed whole by the protagonist of a new children's

book, The Very Hungry Lectern.

President Bush Smooched by Strange Woman on Floor

of New York Stock Exchange; Michele Bachmann Sues

for Alienation of Affection

Right before Mickey Kaus delivers a load of

bullshit, he gets this strange look on his face.

Like, for instance, right now.

Laura and George Bush Patting Each Other on the Back

for Doing Such a Good Job of Clusterfucking the USA

At the National Prayer Breakfast, President Bush almost split a

seam when someone remarked, "Laura's dress looks and sounds

like Chris de Burgh singing 'Lady in Red'."

Freeper Air Force Reaction to Boston Terrorist Threat

IslamoMooninitoFascist Causes Freepers to Wet Themselves

Drummer for Chinese President Does

His Popular George Bush Impression

What's so hairy about Mr. Potter?

Sun Ming Ming can't jump very high, but

at 7'9", he doesn't need to.

That's not a kumquat in Sun Ming Ming's hand.

That's a basketball.

No matter how fast President Bush walked, his

historical legacy kept getting closer and closer

to biting his ass.

The unarmed Afghani boy knew intuitively he had

much more power than the heavily armed soldier.

At the moment a soccer player's head leaves his body

is a moment those who witness it never forget.

Got a leg in a cast? Well, if you do,

don't head to Afghanistan anytime soon.

It seems Cynthia Plaster Caster has been

implicated in a plot to cast Hamid Karzai

in a bad light. And so anyone wearing

a cast is subject to being strip searched

and placed under arrest.

Contrary to what you may have heard on Fox & Friends,

working as a human candle stand does require more

brains than being President of the United States.

"Patrick Fitzgerald must've been pretty big to cut Scooter

Libby off at the knees like that."

Paul Wolfowitz, President of the World Bank, has been

turned down by Ditech for a loan to purchase some new

shoes and socks from Payless ShoeSource.

Sorry this picture of Dean Esmay is so small.

But if you read his response to Molly Ivins' death,

you will discover he is even smaller than his picture.

ExxonMobil's Mascot, the Roughneck Grebe

Exxon Mobil Corp. has posted the largest annual profit in

U.S. history at $39.5 billion. Not bad for a pickpocket.

Frylock, Master Shake, and Meatwad Nabbed

Red-Handed in Boston Terror Attack

Michael Bloomberg, Patron Saint of Billionaires

Dave Cota is apparently browned off that AJ, his ringnecked 

parakeet, is a better golfer and basketball player than he is. 

 Observers are saying Dave has begun to lick his lips and gaze 

hungrily at AJ every time it scores a birdie or nails a slam dunk.

Fun and Games with President Bush

(according to Newsweek's Holly Bailey)

"I would suggest moving back," Bush said as he climbed

into the cab of a massive D-10 tractor. "I'm about to crank this

sucker up." As the engine roared to life, White House staffers

tried to steer the press corps to safety, but when the tractor

lurched forward, they too were forced to scramble for safety.

"Get out of the way!" a news photographer yelled. "I think he

might run us over!" said another. White House aides tried to

herd the reporters the right way without getting run over

themselves. Even the Secret Service got involved, as one agent

began yelling at reporters to get clear of the tractor. Watching

the chaos below, Bush looked out the tractor's window

and laughed, steering the massive machine into the spot where

most of the press corps had been positioned. The episode lasted

about a minute, and Bush was still laughing when he pulled to

a stop. He gave reporters a thumbs-up. "If you've never driven

a D-10, it's the coolest experience," Bush said afterward.

"So the idea that somehow I was trying to needle the 
Democrats, it's just -- gosh, it's probably Texas. Who 
knows what it is? But I'm not that good at pronouncing 
words anyway. So don't go nucular when I say 
'subliminable', OK?"

"I am surprised, frankly, at the amount of distrust that exists in this

town. And I'm sorry it's so low, and I'll work hard to try to elevate it."

Meet Bill Yosses, the new White House Executive Pastry Chef.

Chief among his qualifications for the job, and the one that

made him feel right at home in the Bush White House,

was that he is the co-author of Desserts for Dummies.

Speaking of Barack Obama, Joe Biden says, “I mean, you

got the first mainstream African-American who is

articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy.

I mean, that’s a storybook, man.” Is the Senator saying

Martin Luther King, Jr., wasn't in the mainstream, or that

he was inarticulate, dim, dirty, and bad-looking, or both?

President Bush Purchases Caterpillar D10T Dozer to Be Used

for Clearing Unfriendly Reporters from His Press Conferences