Saturday, February 03, 2007

Survivor of Knife Attack Hires Those Who Knifed
Him in 2000 to Knife His Opponents in 2008
Having descended to the Second Circle of Hell
(with seven more to go), Irving Kristol, the founder
of neoconservatism, is already beginning to doubt
whether fathering Bill was a good idea.
God Trying to Put His Finger on the
Pigeon Overpopulation Problem
"OK, let me review your order to make sure I got it right.
Mom and Dad want Red, White, and Blue Burger Baskets,
Sis wants a big mess of Medal of Freedom Fries, Little Mr.
Peppermint wants a short order of Tall Texan Chickenhawk
Wings, and Number 36 wants anything that doesn't have
strained spinach in it. Remember, my name is George Bush,
and I'll be your server today. God bless America."
"Who says I stole Bob Dole's ballpoint pen?"
Sign at eBay Headquarters to Be Put Up for Auction at Sotheby's
Archaeologists are those people who loved to play in the
sandbox as kids and just never grew up.
"Hey, check out the pecs on #60!"
"Those aren't pecs, you ninny, those are tits!"
Attractive Jewelry, Unattractive Foot

ExxonMobil Tiger Appointed Lee Raymond Resident Scholar
in Climatology at American Enterprise Institute
ExxonMobil Making Its Weekly Delivery of Cash
to the American Enterprise Institute
"You're absolutely right, Mr. President. The best part
of waking up, is Folger's in your cup."
This photograph of General George Casey testifying before
the Armed Services Committee had been cropped so you
couldn't see the knife Senator McCain had stuck in his back.
"One of the things you should conclude from this NIE,"
said National Security Adviser Stephen Hadley, "is the
best plan is to have this plan succeed. In other words, we
hope Plan A succeeds because all Plan B says is:
'You're screwed'."

Friday, February 02, 2007

"I'm a really cool cat."

"Cool cat, my foot! You're a dog, George, a real dog!"
Attorney-General Reacting to Announcement He Was
Being Busted to Attorney-Buck Private
Jack Lord as Stony Burke

Jack Lord as Stony Burka
Yoda Makes Surprise Appearance at Federal Hall in New York City
to Hear President's Remarks on the Economy
President Bush reached out frantically before he was
swallowed whole by the protagonist of a new children's
book, The Very Hungry Lectern.
President Bush Smooched by Strange Woman on Floor
of New York Stock Exchange; Michele Bachmann Sues
for Alienation of Affection
Right before Mickey Kaus delivers a load of
bullshit, he gets this strange look on his face.
Like, for instance, right now.
Laura and George Bush Patting Each Other on the Back
for Doing Such a Good Job of Clusterfucking the USA
At the National Prayer Breakfast, President Bush almost split a
seam when someone remarked, "Laura's dress looks and sounds
like Chris de Burgh singing 'Lady in Red'."
Freeper Air Force Reaction to Boston Terrorist Threat
IslamoMooninitoFascist Causes Freepers to Wet Themselves
Drummer for Chinese President Does
His Popular George Bush Impression

What's so hairy about Mr. Potter?
Sun Ming Ming can't jump very high, but
at 7'9", he doesn't need to.
That's not a kumquat in Sun Ming Ming's hand.
That's a basketball.

Thursday, February 01, 2007

No matter how fast President Bush walked, his
historical legacy kept getting closer and closer
to biting his ass.
The unarmed Afghani boy knew intuitively he had
much more power than the heavily armed soldier.

At the moment a soccer player's head leaves his body
is a moment those who witness it never forget.

Got a leg in a cast? Well, if you do,
don't head to Afghanistan anytime soon.
It seems Cynthia Plaster Caster has been
implicated in a plot to cast Hamid Karzai
in a bad light. And so anyone wearing
a cast is subject to being strip searched
and placed under arrest.
Contrary to what you may have heard on Fox & Friends,
working as a human candle stand does require more
brains than being President of the United States.
"Patrick Fitzgerald must've been pretty big to cut Scooter
Libby off at the knees like that."
Paul Wolfowitz, President of the World Bank, has been
turned down by Ditech for a loan to purchase some new
shoes and socks from Payless ShoeSource.
Sorry this picture of Dean Esmay is so small.
But if you read his response to Molly Ivins' death,
you will discover he is even smaller than his picture.
ExxonMobil's Mascot, the Roughneck Grebe
Exxon Mobil Corp. has posted the largest annual profit in
U.S. history at $39.5 billion. Not bad for a pickpocket.

Frylock, Master Shake, and Meatwad Nabbed
Red-Handed in Boston Terror Attack
Michael Bloomberg, Patron Saint of Billionaires

Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Dave Cota is apparently browned off that AJ, his ringnecked parakeet,
is a better golfer and basketball player than he is. Observers are saying
Dave has begun to lick his lips and gaze hungrily at AJ every time it
scores a birdie or nails a slam dunk.
Fun and Games with President Bush
(according to Newsweek's Holly Bailey)

"I would suggest moving back," Bush said as he climbed
into the cab of a massive D-10 tractor. "I'm about to crank this
sucker up." As the engine roared to life, White House staffers
tried to steer the press corps to safety, but when the tractor
lurched forward, they too were forced to scramble for safety.
"Get out of the way!" a news photographer yelled. "I think he
might run us over!" said another. White House aides tried to
herd the reporters the right way without getting run over
themselves. Even the Secret Service got involved, as one agent
began yelling at reporters to get clear of the tractor. Watching
the chaos below, Bush looked out the tractor's window
and laughed, steering the massive machine into the spot where
most of the press corps had been positioned. The episode lasted
about a minute, and Bush was still laughing when he pulled to
a stop. He gave reporters a thumbs-up. "If you've never driven
a D-10, it's the coolest experience," Bush said afterward.
"So the idea that somehow I was trying to needle the 
Democrats, it's just -- gosh, it's probably Texas. Who 
knows what it is? But I'm not that good at pronouncing 
words anyway. So don't go nucular when I say 
'subliminable', OK?"
"I am surprised, frankly, at the amount of distrust that exists in this
town. And I'm sorry it's so low, and I'll work hard to try to elevate it."
Meet Bill Yosses, the new White House Executive Pastry Chef.
Chief among his qualifications for the job, and the one that
made him feel right at home in the Bush White House,
was that he is the co-author of Desserts for Dummies.
Speaking of Barack Obama, Joe Biden says, “I mean, you
got the first mainstream African-American who is
articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy.
I mean, that’s a storybook, man.” Is the Senator saying
Martin Luther King, Jr., wasn't in the mainstream, or that
he was inarticulate, dim, dirty, and bad-looking, or both?
President Bush Purchases Caterpillar D10T Dozer to Be Used
for Clearing Unfriendly Reporters from His Press Conferences