It is a baseless rumor that Fearguth is riding on the back

of a weasel on the back of a woodpecker on its way to

 the moon.  Instead, he's at the Aura Music Festival at

Spirit of the Suwannee Music Park near Live Oak,

Florida.  He'll therefore be offline until March 9.

It has taken over 40 years for the truth to finally emerge,

but it is now being reported that the rabbits in Night 

of the Lepus were not natural-born killers, but were

mutated into bloodthirsty monsters after nibbling 

on hemp buds.

Having now had several close encounters of the unfortunate

kind with the news media. Dr. Ben Carson has decided

to henceforth rely solely on nonverbal communication.

Here, for instance, he is answering a question of 

considerable import to women's health, namely, 

"Are mammograms worth it?"

Warm Scuzzies #536

Frank Artiles

Two-Bagger

Scientists Capture Image of Ultra-Small Putin

New Study Shows Americans Safe from Gun Violence

 Except in Schools, Malls, Churches, Airports, Theatres, 

Workplaces, Streets, and Homes

Sign on Bank of Canada Wall:  

Thank You for Not Spocking

Breaking News Mashups #10

'Driver Is Apparently Shocked Over Arrest of

Woman Who Needs Just Four Hours of Sleep

Per Night'

The Greater Israeli Roadrunner is a featherless biped in 

the cuckoo family whose perennial adversary is the 

Lesser Iranian Coyote.

Irony Alert!  Rick 'Crazy Sesher' Perry Questions

Hillary Clinton's Love of Country

"The mountain is high, the valley is low
And you're confused 'bout which way to go
So I flew here to give you a hand
And lead you into the promised land."

If, as Pat Robertson says, drinkers and pot smokers are 

'enslaved to vegetables', what about vegans, like Adam 

and Eve?  Did God not plant a garden in Eden, grow in

 it plants that were good for food, and say, "Of every 

tree of the garden thou mayest freely eat?" 

According to testimony by a DEA agent in Utah, hemp

grown in the wild is known to produce Amazing Colossal

Petrified Rabbits.

Guy Busted with Container Labeled 'Not Weed'

Says It Kept Him from Accidentally Smoking 

His Ovaltine

When asked why only 0.3% of the folks voted for him in

the CPAC Straw Poll, Mike Huckabee could only give

the Sign of Dubya.

Andrea Shea King is scary enough when she's not in

scare quotes, but, in them, she is hair-raising and

blood-curdling.  Well, sorta.

Trump Says His Superior Autographing

Skills Would Solve the Playboy Problem

"More Quickly Than You'd Think"

Dr. Koop Offers Scott Walker

Some Medical Advice

"I told my psychiatrist everyone hates me. He said, 

'Don't be ridiculous, everyone hasn't met you yet!'."

"Relax, John!  That's just the Hand of Israel in your pocket."

CPAC Remainder Bin

Guess who's inside the Purple RINO suit?

"If you got the cookies, I got the hugs!"

"As you can see, my bubble is bigger than your bubble."

Even Mark Halperin's mouth is skewed to the right.

Recently-Declassified Photograph #40

Maggie Thatcher and Bill O'Reilly Celebrating

the British Victory in the Falklands War, 1982

Three on a Match

Two on a Flamethrower

Four Out of Five Muff Divers Recommend

Muff-So-Soft

When he saw he got only 1.1% of the vote in the CPAC 

Straw Poll, Rick Perry realized that he should spend less

 time running for President and more time trying to keep

 his sorry ass out of jail.

Which twin has the Toni?

State Representative Tony Tinderholt (R-TX) is such a 

fan of 'opposite marriage' he's been married five times.

He's also a devout Catholic in good standing.

Warm Scuzzies #535

Tony Tinderholt

"Rest assured, fellow cheeseheads, my project to turn reality 

into a mirror image of The Onion is ahead of schedule and 

under budget."

On immigration reform, Scott Walker is the first

presidential candidate in modern times to perfect 

the Triple Backflip with Full Twist.

Allegories for Our Time #30

Two Angels Play a Game of Adieu, Christie, Adieu! 

to Decide the Fate of a Presidential Hopeful