The Unexpurgated Bible #4

"And Jesus commanded the multitude to sit down on the
 grass, and took the fish, weighing 646 pounds, and looking
up to heaven, he blessed, and filleted it, and gave the fillets
to his disciples, and the disciples to the multitude."

If you are arrested in Israel, the good news is that you

will not have to deal with the Good Cop/Bad Cop Routine.

The bad news is that you will have to deal with the

Bad Cop/Mad Cop Routine.

"Listen, kids! I said I was Lego Man, not Grammar Man!"

"You must have taken a wrong turn. This is the War

Process. The Peace Process is three blocks south."

"That's the first time anyone has called me a

'social conservative'. Those who know me well say

I'm unmistakably an 'anti-social conservative'."

Literary World Rocked by New Verse Translation

of Sir Gawain and the Green Knight

Mike Huckabee Decries the 'Arrogant Bunker Mentality'

of the Bush Administration

"My first two acts as President will be to get the US

out of the UN and to appoint Chuck Norris as our

ambassador to the World Combat League."

German Federal Policeman Popularizes New

Hobby of Blogwatching

When you hear the Alphorn Quintet playing 'Disco Boy',

you know it is the eve of the Twelfth Day of Zappadan.

Convicted Perjurer Drops Appeal; Says Commutation

of Sentence Not Enough, Wants Pardon and Medal

of Freedom

John Tanner, DOJ Voting Rights Section Chief,

Resigns; Wants to Spend Less Time in Hawaii

"My conjecture is, Dr. Watson, that my genius for

disguise may have finally gotten the better of me."

"There has also been a collective failure to recognize the problem

of the abuse of interrogation-enhancing drugs by the CIA."

"Do you think if I started using Grecian Formula,

I wouldn't look 178 years old?"

At first, Arlo wasn't too happy about being leashed

to a canicross runner. But the more he ran, the

more he liked it.

"This is the last time I'm going to tell you.

Spitting is ill-mannered and unsanitary!"

"Yeah, Josh, the fortune-telling function of my Blackberry

says the Senate Judiciary Committee will vote in December to

hold us in contempt for refusing to testify about the U. S.

attorney purge scandal. Well, it's only August here in

Minneapolis, right after the I-35 bridge collapse. So I

suppose we'll cross that bridge when we come to it,

assuming, of course, it doesn't collapse, too.

The Unexpurgated Bible #3

Jesus said: "And I will give unto thee the Keyes of the kingdom

of heaven. Oops! Did I just say 'Keyes'? Dadgummit, I meant

to say 'Cleese'. Oh well, nobody's perfect!"

"Before I go under for the third time, I wanted to

call and remind you it's Zappadan, Day 11."

"Democratic Party? Republican Party? Who gives a

shit! We Rockefellers are only in it for the money."

"God, what an ass! That damsel's gotta be related to JLo!"

By a vote of 372-9, the U. S. House of Representatives has passed a

bipartisan resolution proclaiming that Christmas is "a holiday of

great significance to man's best friend."

Named to succeed Karen Hughes as Undersecretary of State

for Public Diplomacy and Public Affairs, James K. Glassman

has already started working on his next book, 36,000 A.D.:

Time to Invest in the Middle East Peace Process.

"Funny, Karen, Jim Glassman doesn't kiss on the lips, either."

The descendants of Barney Rubble had seen their fortunes

go steadily downhill ever since the heyday of Bedrock.

Kristina Dimitrova to Lead Campaign to

Give Bums a More Positive Image

George Bush, the ¿Quién Sabe? President

"OK, Nancy, I won't say that you 'completely capitulated'

on the war funding bill. I'll just say you 'caved'."

"Fred's agreed to play Dives the rich man in the Christmas

pageant. How about you playing Lazarus, the beggar

covered with sores?"

The Potrzebie Prize #4

ABA Journal Lauded for Naming Former U.S. Attorney

General Alberto Gonzales 2007’s Lawyer of the Year

"With your help, I will build a full-scale replica of the Grand

Mosque of Mecca here in China. So call 1-800-321-6675, and

make your pledge today."

"Noooooo, I'm not doing a shampoo commercial!

I'm hairing over! Helpppp!"

Follow this guy and, before you know it, you

will be celebrating Day 10 of Zappadan.

Pope Benedict Releases Homing Pigeon Bearing

Message That Solutions to Global Warming Must Be

Based on Church Dogma, Not Dubious Science

"Remember, America, God has chosen us to be a peculiar

people. And the most peculiar thing you can do in 2008

is to put me in the White House!"

As everyone there will tell you, it was really, really

cold that day in Montreal.

On day one in the Peoples' Liberation Army,

you are liberated from your self-esteem,

along with your clothes.

"Sticks and stones can break my bones,

but names will never hurt me. So quit

hitting me with those sticks and start

calling me names!"

Bipolar Bear Heads to Antarctica

How to Play 'Chopsticks' without a Piano

Mike Huckabee Cites Osama Bin Laden As

Proof of the Mormon Belief That

Jesus and the Devil Are Brothers

The single most powerful argument against government

healthcare is that it is the only thing that's kept Dick Cheney

alive all these years.

Legend has it that Doug Feith was once a rodent that accidentally

got trapped under a wall-to-wall carpet laid in Dick Cheney's bunker.

Thinking it was a pack of cigarettes he had mislaid, the carpetlayer, not

wanting to rip up the carpet, smashed the lump flat with a hammer.

Just then, Lynne's voice was heard upstairs:

"Dick, where's my gerbil?"

If you are a pilgrim on your way to the Ninth Day of

Zappadan, just follow the signs.

Rip Van Winkle awakened after a 4,000-year nap only to

discover people in the Middle East were still killing each other.

He is now trying to go back to sleep, so far unsuccessfully.

Wildlife Tip #5

Always burp a polar bear over your left shoulder.

"Actually, Cristian, what we're doing to each other right

now is a perfect illustration of Schopenhauer's thesis,

namely, if the universe wasn't designed to maximize human

suffering, then it was very badly designed. Anyway,

are you ready for a right hook to the chin?"

"Why can't we all just get along, little dogie?"