A newly declassified document shows that J. Edgar

Louver, the longtime director of the Federal Bureau of

Window Treatments, had a plan to suspend habeas corpus

and imprison some 12,000 Americans he suspected of using

Roman shutters and Venetian blinds.

NASA officials had predicted Asteroid 2007 WD5 would

strike Mars. Well, they were only off by one planet, close

enough for government work.

"If I hear someone say 'compassionate conservatism' one

more time, I'm going to finally lose my composure!"

If you're like Fearguth, there are only so many

clicks left in you before you start making your

Bucket List. So why in the hell do we have to

waste them on 'read more...' buttons?

"OK, it's a deal: I won't say you're 'squirrelly' and you

won't call me 'water hog'."

The Last Stalinist

"Looky hyeer! This dude musta forgot to take his Gas-X!"

"'Mitt' is the name I'll use when I run for President,

little one. 'Willard' would scare them off."

“The inmates at Guantanamo are getting a whole lot

better treatment than students at Southwestern Baptist

Theological Seminary. In fact, I hope they don’t see how

nice it is down there, because they’ll all want to transfer

to Guantanamo."

Global Warming Persuades Santa the Time Has

Come to Trade His Sleigh for a Rowboat

Nativity Scene with Joseph, Mary, and Sandy Underpants

Drink up! Today is December 21, Frank Zappa's birthday,

Day 18 of Zappadan.

If you are ever tempted to end it all because you have too few

college degrees, just remember this: Michael Savage holds a

Ph.D. in nutritional ethnomedicine from the University of

California, Berkeley.

Warhawk Loses Perch at Time, Is Forced to

Find Another Way to Feather Nest

Tell the truth: if a guy looking like this were to come to your

front door asking you to support the Democratic Party,

would you?

Charles Krauthammer is so ingenious he has figured out

a way for both the white pieces and the black pieces to

lose in a game of one-man chess. Every time he plays,

in other words, he's a two-time loser.

The Unexpurgated Bible #6

"And Schwarzenegger looked, and, behold, the bush burned
with fire, and it was not consumed. So he sued the bush for
excessive carbon dioxide emissions."

"Yeah, tomorrow is World Orgasm Day. They say it's

supposed to create world peace, boost social justice, and

reduce global warming. All I know is I need to get a nut

really bad."

"When I said I saw my father marching with Martin Luther
 King, I was speaking figuratively. It would be like if I
said right now I'm Samson slaying all you Philistines with
the jawbone of an ass."

"Other than inertia, Ajib, have you thought of a good reason

why we're sitting on our asses in this flooded cemetery?"

"Dear Santa,

We still believe in you.

Please leave Dad big bags of dough under

the Christmas tree. He's going to need them.

We've been awfully nice this year.

Enjoy the milk and cookies.

The Romney Boys"

Can you imagine a pin-up calendar with no sex in it?

Can you imagine George Walker Bush having sex?

You get the idea.

Even Rupert Murdoch knows it's the

17th Day of Zappadan.

"Someday, kid, you'll grow up to be a

Neanderthal, just like me!"

"Mom, have I ever told you how glad I am

you didn't mate with Rick Perry?"

Fearguth's Rules of Order #4

Don't tip a monkey that licks the platter clean.

Hillary Clinton Accused of 'Pulling a Huckabee' for

Her Use of Subliminal Christian Symbolism

U. S. Decisively Outflags Japan

Rudy Loses National Lead, Checks In to Campaign Rehab

Thought Balloons for Airheads

Tom Tancredo Drops Out of Presidential Race,

Says He's Still in the Race for Outer Space

"Can I help it I was born Sarko the Giant?

It's in my genes!"

When he saw how the Prime Minister of Israel reacted

when he was told the largest bra size you could buy on

the Internet was 58J, Sarko the Giant knew he had found

a new ally.

The bulge in his trousers betrayed the fact that the

'First Man' had momentarily forgotten it was his wife

who was running for President.

Sometimes you can't help but think there's

a link between celibacy and cross-dressing.

It's not a big secret: monkeys cross the road for pretty

much the same reason chickens do.

"And then, children--hold on to your hats!--here's the end

of the story. The blogs became so clogged with ads you

couldn't tell if you were surfing the Net or watching TV."

Time Names Monica 'Goodling of the Year'

"Hard to believe, Heather, but it's already the

16th Day of Zappadan."

It is said that pets and their owners begin to resemble

each other over time. This is Lucianne Goldberg's dog.

The Unexpurgated Bible #5

"And the LORD spake unto the fish, and it vomited out

Jonah upon the dry land. And then he wrote a book."

Bernie Kerik isn't a corporate con, a paleocon, a theocon,

or a neocon. He's just a plain ol' con.

"You're not only out, Mr. Bonds. You're a lying SOB!"

Things to Avoid #12

Lemur on a Leaf

At very low temperatures in the vicinity of Absolute Zero,

a shuttlecock exhibits many unusual properties.

Fire in Eisenhower Executive Office Building

Caused by Vice President Making S'Mores,

Not Burning Documents

And then iGod said, "Let there be iPods."

Contrary to popular belief,

Dan Rather is on the left.

The dummy is on the right.

"I was once a child," says Michael Savage; "I am now a fop."

"Mr. President, I'm sure you've heard of Iran's new

Bushehr Nucular Power Plant. Do you know if it

was named in your honor or your father's?"