Rick Perry Announces Dates for Long-Awaited

'Felonious Hunk' Tour Through Iowa, South

Carolina, and New Hampshire

Robert Kagan wants to know if Twitter was

 always as rude as it is today.  The Twitter Rule 

has always been:  Be polite to peacemakers

 and rude to warmongers.

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Lenin's Giant Head Is Missing

The climactic moment at the Red State Gathering was the

unveiling of Rick Perry's mugshot.

Clark Kent Indicted for Abusing His Superpowers

"Good news, Governor Perry!  Your indictment won't be 

any more damaging than Tom DeLay's.  Now, hold still

while I remove all those worry lines from your forehead."

 "As you can see from these surveillance photographs, 

Michael Brown was armed with deadly cigars BEFORE he 

used them to assault Officer Darren Wilson.  You can only

imagine what Brown did with them when Officer Wilson

was finally compelled to shoot him more times than Jason

Voorhees was shot in Friday the 13th."

"Sex with dogs?  Is there any other kind?"

Symbol of Early Rock-and-Roll Gods

Still Subject of Conflicting Interpretations

"Are you an undocumented Democrat?"  

"No, I'm a documented lunatic."

Ferguson Cop, ID'd as Unarmed Teen's Killer, Left the Area 

Days Ago, Now Living Under an Assumed Name in a 

Yurt Somewhere in Outer Mongolia

[Not necessarily the one in the picture.]

Michael Brown wasn't executed because he had stolen cigars, 

but because he was walking down the middle of the street in 

Missouri at noon.  Also black.

How to Keep Your Shit Straight

1.  If something is phony, it's Bullshit.

2.  If something is cowardly, it's Chickenshit.

3.  If something is untrue, it's Horseshit.

4.  If something is crazy, it's Batshit.

5.  If something is worthless, it's Dogshit.

6.  If something is amazing, it's Holyshit.

"Common ground?  Believe it or not, what really brought

 us together in the No Labels Party was a shared love of 

 gold neckties."

Warm Scuzzies #497

Jonah Peretti

Thomas Jackson Sez:  "Michael Brown was the primary

 suspect in a convenience store cigar theft.  And our policy

 is to shoot all primary suspects, especially so if they're 

also unarmed."

Is Kevin Williamson really a White Devil, or does he

just look like one?

"Would you like to know how many Rush Limbaughs

can get fucked on the tip of my middle finger?"

Take the Survey---or Else!

Be sure to try some of the 

Pulled Pork when you dine at

McDonald's in Ferguson,

Missouri.  Just remember to

remove the helmet first.

"Pardon me, sir, but do you remember that James Madison

said, 'A standing military force will not long be a safe 

companion to liberty'?” 

"We're not military, we're police."

"You sure could've fooled James Madison."

Pilot Loses Control of Plane After His Artificial Arm Falls

 Off, Blind Co-Pilot Saves the Day

Warm Scuzzies #496

James Knowles

The Potrzebie Prize #22

St. Louis County Police Department 

Given 8 Bull Connors Out of a

Possible 10 on Racist Scale

Michelle Rhee Steps Aside as CEO of StudentsFirst,

Her Next Project to Be Called HusbandFirst

Was it the U. S. military invading Iraq for the third time,

or the paramilitary police in Ferguson, Missouri, holding

an unarmed citizen at gunpoint?  Whatever the case, it 

was hard to tell the difference.

Robert Draper, NYT-Wit

Coming Soon to a Theatre Near You #101

Good Morning, Fergusonstan

Warm Scuzzies #495

Thomas Jackson

Missouri Police Chief Calls on African-American

Community to Follow Pope Francis's Example of

 a "Respectful Demonstration"

Mayan Horologist Trying to Determine When It's

Howdy Doody Time

Chicken Crosses Road in Portland,

 Guy Calls Cops and Asks, "Why?"

 Cops Answer, "To Get to the Other Side!"

Guy Calls 911 to Report "Deleterious Joke"

Mr. Magoo would like to carry his

gun openly if he could just see well

enough to find it.

Unfortunately, by the time Mighty Mouse showed 

up to save the day, it was already night.

Supporters of Same-Spook Marriage were disappointed

when it was learned the Snowden-Hayden union had

ended rather rancorously.  Oh, well, the wedding cake

 was tastefully done.

Adventures in Lexicology #11

Jealot (/ˈjel.ət/), n.  A liberal blogger who constantly

attacks Glenn Greenwald because he made the

big time and the liberal blogger didn't.  [Are you a

jealot?]

Recent Survey Finds 65% of Americans Can't Find

Cheese Kurdistan on Map of Iraq

The Latest Fashion in Body Armor

Recently-Declassified Photograph #37

Ed Snowden and Elmer Fudd at Bugs Bunny Gala

"Michelle Obama is fat and I'm President of the Hair

Club for Men."

Not-Gaza, Missouri

Robin Williams is dead. 

Lauren Bacall is dead. 

Arlene Martel is dead. 

Rush Limbaugh is alive. 

Has the Grim Reaper no shame?

Gun Perv Also Sex Perv

Warm Scuzzies #494

Jon Belmar

"You're More Likely to Die From a Bee Sting Than a 

Shark Attack," the headline reads.  But what 

about the Tiger-Tail Honey Shark?

Tim Russert

David Gregory

Chuck Todd

Warm Scuzzies #493

Chris Fields

Old King Coal was not a merry old soul when he learned

that his wife was on the board of an anti-coal organization.