Saturday, June 03, 2006

As the Super Hornets flashed by on their training mission,
one pilot radioed the other, "Can you believe they still haven't
put Ronald Reagan's face on Mount Rushmore?"
These Peruvian children know something we adults have
forgotten, namely, that the only way to look at politics
is . . . down.
Richard Scrushy, former CEO of HealthSouth, interpreted
his acquittal last year in a $2.7 billion fraud trial as a sign
from God. He's on trial again, this time on corruption charges,
accused of giving a former Alabama governor a $500,000 bribe.
What Mr. Scrushy needs to keep in mind is that God tolerates
fraud but He draws the line at bribery.
"Laura, did you know Kofi Annan's mother wears combat boots?"
Daughters of the Muslim Faith Protest 'Sex' Scandal in Kashmir;
Organizer Admits Being Uncertain What 'Sex' Is
Transportation Secretary Norman Mineta
was a bit glum after reviewing the Gulf Coast
states' plans for evacuation in the event of a
major hurricane. He knows that traffic congestion
on the interstates is pretty bad, even on a good day.
What would you do to protest a lack of electricity?
Well, in Basra they burn tires.
The Iraqi boy kept his prayers to Allah short and sweet.
Why the Mona Lisa is smiling remains a
mystery. But an acoustics expert in Japan
has figured out what her voice would have
sounded like. According to this researcher,
her first utterance was, "Let's get one thing
straight: I am NOT Leonardo in drag!"
Rob Portman Sworn In as New Director of
Office of Mismanagement and Budget Deficits
The news of a 40% cut in Homeland Security funding struck New
York City like a thunderbolt.
Robert Mueller, Director of the FBI, was less than amused
by the nickname the President gave him: Big Bobby.
Hoisting a placard that, in English, reads
'Chocolate for All Kids', the young Polish
demonstrators were beginning to turn surly.
Sometimes, nothing quite hits the spot like a big, juicy cheeseburger.
Some Israeli policemen question the wisdom of having
the Hebrew equivalent of "Bring 'Em On!" painted on
their shields.
Auto-Rickshaw Drivers in Karachi Asphyxiate Themselves
While Protesting Ban on Smoke-Emitting Three-Wheelers

Friday, June 02, 2006

Laura Bush couldn't believe it when a stork started building
a nest just outside her bedroom window at the White House.
"No way!" she said to herself. "George and I have had our
rhythms synchronized since he said nobody had predicted
Hurricane Katrina could top the levees around New Orleans."
President Bush has become so attenuated that only his hands
remain as a reminder of the titan that once bestrode the earth.
Men, if you're vegetarian and don't eat meat, you
might consider this new cholesterol-free model.
Skeletor patiently explained to the Senators how the
Destructo-Rays that emanate from his hands would
keep America safe from terrorists and hurricanes.
But some solons remained skeptical.
Venezuela's President Hugo Chavez points to a part
of his anatomy that's probably not his greatest asset.
Is your dog listening to the new Internet-based radio station
which broadcasts music for dogs 24-hours a day, seven days a week?
In less than a month, the station has attracted over 100,000 listeners.
If your dog isn't in this number, no doubt it would like to be.
Meet the Éminence Grise of
Contrary to earlier reports, the Tralfamadoreans aboard
a soccer-ball-shaped spacecraft that landed in downtown
Berlin did not come in peace. At news time, a fierce battle
between aliens and earthlings is reported to be raging near
the Brandenburg Gate.
Bush's favorite caterpillar is still very hungry and
is chewing its way through the forests of Colorado.
The bigger they are, the harder they fall.
Shiva is alive and well, but has moved to China.
When the man saw the polar bear, he shivered
with fear and wet his pants.
Paris Hilton from the waist down is
not any better than Paris Hilton from
the waist up.
Boris Tadic and Javier Solana both insisted that the other
go first. After reaching a stalemate, they both went second.
Inasmuch as this protest is being conducted by Palestinian
security men, they must all feel fairly secure.
Opponents of the Iraq War have created a
most fitting way of making their point:
the die-in.

Thursday, June 01, 2006

After the aliens from Outer Space debouched from the giant
soccer-ball-shaped spacecraft which had landed in Berlin,
Germany's Chancellor, Angela Merkel, was relieved to see
they were a bunch of sports fans from Tralfamadore.
Angela Merkel, Chancellor of Germany, has confirmed
that her nation has been visited by aliens from Outer
Space who landed in Berlin yesterday aboard a spacecraft
which appears to be a giant soccer ball.
Twenty-five Englishmen have been injured in the
latest cheese-rolling contest held in Gloucestershire.
Asked why they risk life and limb in such a mindless
competition, the surviving contestants said,
"Anybody who forgets the cheese is dodgy, mate!"
So, Batwoman is 5' 10" tall and a lesbian, eh?
So, just how tall are Batman and Robin?
According to proponents of Intelligent Design, the new
species of crustacean found in a cave in Israel had been
deliberately concealed by Yahweh for over 6,000 years.
When Ann Curry moaned as she opened her mouth
for a deep kiss from Katie Couric, Matt Lauer closed
his eyes and waited for the first trilateral conjugation
on the Today Show.
This magnificent raptor has just about finished eating
one of its favorite prey: the chickenhawk. All that remains
is the head that talks and the tail that turns.
If these dudes from the Sudanese Liberation Army pull
up in your driveway, you probably ought to tell them you've
already been liberated.
If you've been looking for a pot of gold at the end
of the rainbow, this will come as a bit of bad news:
there's no pot of gold there, just a Popemobile.
"A 23-year-old with a foot fetish has admitted he
tried to kiss, fondle and lick the legs and toes of
more than 70 women on the New York subway over
the last three years." What this story neglects to
mention is that he is also the founder of
Bootlickers for Bush.
The world's largest company is now offering a free
training class, 'Smart Toddlers Shop at Wal-Mart'.
When Daniel Powter sings, you know it's going
to be a 'Bad Day'.
This Islamic Jihad militant had claimed he was
The Lone Ranger. But Tonto proved that he was
not the real Kemo Sabe.
Carlos Omar, a Mexican national, was captured
yesterday in the Arizona desert by the Border
Patrol. His Arizona Wildcats disguise didn't work.
Baseball Player Flees From Rabid Bat
Dragon boat racing commemorates the tale of the
third century B.C. poet in China who hurled himself
into a river to protest against the corrupt government.
Were poets in the U. S. today to do the same thing for the
same reason, our rivers would soon be clogged with poets.
Under a microscope, the human microbe looks pretty harmless.