Saturday, June 21, 2008

Nocturnal Goatsucker

Diurnal Goatsucker
"Okay, so I'm a serial liar! But you have to admit that
I'm a well-paid, well-respected liar--perhaps, even,
the Dean of Liars!"
Did you know it's against the law in Afghanistan to tailgate a shepherd
and his flock? So, back off, if you know what's good for you.
There's something about the taste of looted beverages that
simply can't be beat by those you pay for.
Many men of medicine today question the
therapeutic value of arrowpuncture.
"Under this compromise legislation, an important tool in the
fight against terrorism will continue, but the President's illegal
program of warrantless surveillance will be over. It'll be over
because this legislation will make it retroactively legal. Am I
making myself clear, or am I just talking to an empty chair?"
Time Machine Malfunctions, Thaddeus McCotter (R-MI)
Captured by Union Army After Siege of Vicksburg
American Empire #27
Status of Forces Agreements
Scientists Find Bug That Eats Petrol and Excretes Waste;
Investors Excited by Promising New Source of
Renewable Pollution
"I've got rubbers for those of you who prefer safe sex,
Snickers for those of you who don't. Either way, I'm
ready when you are."
Eye of the Tiger (Sans Rocky, Sans Survivor)
Graveyard for the Dextrogyratory Dead
Let the record show that Mickey Kaus only blows goats that
practice good dental hygiene, including regular brushing,
proper flossing, and annual checkups.
Mafioso Attempting to Set New Distance Record
for Spitting on a Journalist
Senator McCain found that he laughed harder at his own
jokes when he campaigned in the wrong country.
"Get ready, folks, for you are about to enter
my very own Surveillance Cave!"
Woman, 52, Sues Victoria's Secret Over 'Defective Thong'

Friday, June 20, 2008

"Bush Should Be Impeached for Salmonella Outbreak,"
Says Noted CNN Tomatophile
"There is terror in Death," said the Pope, "until you
accept it, but, once accepted, embrace it and all will
be forgotten. You will behold Christ before the Reaper
has laid his hand upon you, and your soul, released
from the dungeon of the body, will fly up to heaven
like a happy little bird." "Gee!" said the President.
The problem wasn't that she was too conservative.
The problem was she wasn't conservative enough.
World's Worst Jobs #83
Polish Boxer
"I owe, I owe, so off to work I go."
No one knew for sure exactly when the President dozed off during
the briefing on Midwest flooding. But he did wake up in time for the
cake and punch, sources say.
In cricket, this batting technique is called 'The Badonkadonk Defence'.
World's Worst Yoobs #17
Elisabeth Hasselbeck


NASA Finds Ice on Mars (But No Jack Daniel's)
Seventy-six percent of the passengers aboard the
America Unlimited said it was on the wrong track.
But the railroad engineer just wouldn't listen.
Natural Born Drillers
Obsessive Internet use is a public health problem which is so
serious it should be officially recognized as a clinical disorder,
according to a leading psychiatrist. For a free online consultation,
go to his website at GetAddictionHelpNow.com.
"Has anyone ever told you you look like Cruella de Vil?"

Remember the Silent Majority? They're now backing McCain.
Wear this press badge, say Senator McCain sent you,
and Dunkin' Donuts will give you a 20% discount on
a box of donuts with sprinkles.
Like Rummy once said, "Democracy is messy."
"Congratulations, doctor, I see the operation worked!"
The duckling knew what love was, but when asked
could only say, "Quack, quack, quack."

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Bush Tells Flood-Weary Iowa Citizens He's Listening
John McCain Flip-Flops Once Too Often, Breaks Hip

Huge Publican
"Give blood. Often."
Citing the rising cost of lead, China said today it will raise prices on
a wide range of products exported to the United States, including
children's toys, furniture, and paint.
Larry Sinclair Holds Press Conference to Announce Receipt
of Darwin Award, Is Arrested on Outstanding Warrant
Bear Stearns Manager Arrested for Defrauding Other
Investment Bankers; May Become Folk Hero Like
D. B. Cooper
Obama Refuses to Cut and Run from Representative John
Barrow (D-GA); Netroots Reminded That Obama's a Politician
Fearguth obviously has his work cut out for him.

Humans breathe through the nose and mouth. Aliens from outer
space breathe through a laryngeal blowhole, as shown here.
"Mr. President, the news this morning is that four Western
oil companies, including ExxonMobil, are in talks with
Iraq’s Oil Ministry for no-bid contracts to service the
country’s largest fields. Would you remind us one more time
how oil had nothing to do with the U. S. invasion of Iraq?"
"I don't think the Prime Minister appreciated your
'honest graft' joke."
He loved the way the French said amour-propre.
It made him feel all warm and tingly, especially
between his well-toned thighs.