"Hey, mofo, if you don't own a gun, wear a uniform,
and sport cammy facepaint, you just don't fit in to
the New World Order! Capeche?"

Like a rat, Karlheinz Schreiber, arms dealer, preferred,
if possible, to conduct his business in the dark.

This Week Only! Rotten Bananas for Only 19¢ a Pound!
Great for Banana Pudding!

This Week Only! Disgraced Attorney General for
Only $100,000 a Year! Great for Turning Texas
Tech Undergrads into Hopeless Cynics!

"At $100,000 a year," says Texas Tech Chancellor Kent Hance,
"Alberto Gonzales is a bargain. Getting a former Bush cabinet
member here who didn't resign in disgrace would have cost us
a hell of a lot more."

Man Going Down for the Third Time in the Sea of Populism

"I'm not suffering from either asbestosis or mesothelioma,
Mr. Trial Lawyer! So, keep your distance, or I shall have to
thrash you a second time!"

Things to Avoid #17
Wearing Jungle Camouflage in the Desert

"Got some blow, bro?"

"The way I see it, Larry, is this: the fact that every
conclusion you've ever reached as an economist has
favored the rich has nothing to do with the fact that,
since birth, you've always been wealthy, and has
everything to do with the ineluctability of your
pure, disinterested logic."

Asked why he has so many Birthers on his radio

and TV shows, Lou Dobbs admits he's something

of a 'Birther Voyeur'. "I wouldn't think of being

a Birther myself," he says. "I just like to watch."

In a fit of pique, Dr. David McKalip gathered

up all his anti-Obamacare arguments and

went home.

Senator Kay Bailey Hutchison (R-TX) will be

running against Governor Rick Perry (R-TX)

next year for the Republican gubernatorial

nomination. Governor Perry originally

refused to accept any of the stimulus

money appropriated by Congress. Now

he's begging for a $170 million loan to

help Texas pay unemployment insurance

claims. That's pretty funny. What's even

funnier is that Ms. Hutchison is criticizing

Governor Perry for refusing to accept the

stimulus money, even though she herself

voted against the stimulus bill in the Senate.

Perry and Hutchison: they make John

Cornyn look good.

World's Worst Yobs #114

Jonathan Klein

Old Orangutan Still Undecided Whether
President Bush Should Have Followed
Vice President Cheney's Advice to
Pardon Scooter Libby

Prayer may be utterly ineffectual when it comes to
altering the course of world events, but it probably
makes you feel a whole lot better than voting.

Raise your hand if you lost sleep last night
worrying about whether Manuel Zelaya or
somebody else should be the President of
Honduras. Raise your other hand if you
can find Honduras on the map.

These Indonesian babies are bathing in a bucket of
wastewater. Looks nasty. Nonetheless, they're still
much cleaner than health industry lobbyists in the
United States right now.

"James, can you believe we're co-starring in a movie
which will make the characters in Dr. Strangelove
look like geniuses and saints?"

Chip Off the

Old Block

Mr. Dazed and Ms. Confused at Last Night's
Obama Press Conference

Will King Rat Be Last to Abandon Sinking Ship?

Tony Alamo, Age 52, Christian MafiosoTony Alamo, Website Logo, 2009

Tony Alamo, Age 74, Convicted on Ten
Counts of Violating the Mann Act

"I was a little surprised and disappointed that the
President, who didn't have all of the facts by his own
admission, then weighed in on the events of that day
and made a comment that really offended not just officers
in the Cambridge Police Department but officers around
the country. I didn't act stupidly that day and, like
officers around the country, I've never acted stupidly."

Senator Reid Gets a Stiffy

This painting by Piet Mondrian sold at auction
recently for $9,266,500. That's $1,158,312.50
per black line or, viewed differently, $617,766.66
per white space.

If you've ever wanted to know how to stuff a wild
bikini, for a mere $250 John Boehner will show
you how.

"Sorry, ma'am, but if you want your Blue
Dog to live, it's balls have got to go."

Where Birthers Come From

Alessandra Stanley:
"Intensely Earnest,
Painfully Wrongheaded"

World's Worst Yoobs #44
Martha MacCallum

Sit-Down Strike by Death Valley Boulder Now in
Its Twelfth Millenium

Feel the Love!

Fearguth's Hall of Wackos #60
David McKalip

"Baby Face you've got the cutest little baby face
There's not another who can take your place
Baby Face my heart poor heart is thumpin'
you sure have started somethin'
Baby Face I'm up in heaven when I'm in your fond embrace
Uh well I need a shove 'cause I just fell in love with my
pretty Baby Face."

There are now approximately 36 'Czars' in
the Obama Administration. One wonders
how many there would be if they were still
called 'Caesars'.

"Now that I've passed on, I would have to say
America's most trusted newscaster today is
Jon Stewart."

World's Worst Yobs #114
Ben Smith

To All New Owners of AK-47s in Butler, Missouri

Lest ye be chastised by the National Rifle Association,
do not refer to your new AK-47 as an 'Assault Weapon'.
It is a 'Semi-Automatic Battle Rifle' (SABR). And don't let
anybody make fun of you because your SABR happened to
be invented by

Mikhail Kalashnikov, a Russian member of the
Communist Party and sworn enemy of United States.
That, of course, was just an accident of his birth. His
heart was obviously in the right place. And had he
been born in the U. S., he would have doubtless been
a lifetime member of the NRA.

Lou Dobbs Now Requiring Wife and In-Laws to Show
Passport AND Birth Certificate Before Allowing Them
to Enter His House

If you've ever wondered what corporate CEOs think of
the general public (you, in other words), Wendelin
Wiedeking, the CEO of Porsche, wants to set your mind
at ease.

While she questions Obama's origins, there is no doubt
about Liz Cheney's: she originated from the dick of a
dick named Dick.

Not shown in this picture of State Senator Paul
Stanley's happy family is his mistress, 23-year-old
McKensie Morrison, a legislative intern.

Governor Jindal Decides to Inject a Little Levity
into the Health-Care Reform Debate

John S. Barry, Main Force Behind WD-40,
Slips Noiselessly into Afterlife

Michael Karolchyk Throws Hostess Cream-Filled
Cupcakes at Dr. Regina M. Benjamin