Mormon Mitt Romney took the Vow of Vulcan

shortly before he went to the Vatican for a Mass held

by the Pope. To round out his Touch All Religious Bases

Tour, later this year he will confer with leaders of the

Church of the Subgenius during its annual X-Day 
celebration.

Serbian peasants wait

expectantly to hear if they

have been cast as villagers in the

latest remake of Frankenstein.

With $10 million stuffed in her saddlebags,

Katherine Harris waved to the crowd and shouted:

"I'm in this race, and I'm going to win."

Too bad she was riding a 'Three-Gaited Horse',

a horse that 1) trips, 2) stumbles, 3) and falls.

If Dirk Diggler's fame had depended

on the size of his ersatz hairdo,

he might have looked like the next

Secretary of the Interior.

National Security Adviser Stephen Hadley

couldn't be sure who was sneaking up on him.

Was it Bob Woodward? Was it Patrick Fitzgerald?

Was it Scooter Libby? Was it Valerie Plame?

Was it SpongeBob SquarePants?

Although Governor Kempthorne

covered the $111 in bad checks

he wrote at Chic's Place, his

hairdresser refused to explain

why it costs so much to cut

so little in Boise, Idaho.

Ties between the United States and

Ireland were significantly strengthened

today when Prime Minister Ahern presented

President Bush a Miracle-Gro Four-Leaf

Clover Deluxe Gardening Set from

Toys Я Us.

'Blond Joke' futures on the CME

jumped more than 200 points

today on news that TSA lawyer

Carla Martin was even dumber

than had been forecast.

This is not the guy who played Clarabell

on the Howdy Doody Show.

This is the guy who plays Joe Lieberman

in the United States Senate.

Nominated to be the next Secretary of the Interior,

Governor Dirk Kempthorne vowed to do for the

entire U. S. what he has done for the state of Idaho.

Uh-oh.

If Jeff Goldstein had been

willing to shave off his beard,

he could have starred

in Brokeback Mountain.

Tonight on the Biography Channel--

'From Carbon Unit to Energy Beast:

the Life of David Horowitz'

"Mr. Willey, is that a tie you're wearing, or did the 
heart surgeon forget to sew you up?"

Why is it that fake Democrats insist

on wearing such scrofulous beards?

Take Joe Klein, for instance.

This is Ken Mehlman, the face of

today's Republican Party.

Don't forget: Beauty is only skin deep.

Secretary of State Rice was

puzzled when her robust

critique of Microsoft Jakarta

failed to interest the

Indonesian parliament.

The Baghdad courtroom was

convulsed when Saddam Hussein

and his brother-in-law performed

the Droodles version of the

Iraqi national athem.

When accused by the prosecution

of having less than 20/20 vision,

Saddam Hussein threatened to

lead a revolt of Iraq's fearsome

Four-Eyed People.

In last night's American-style

presidential debate in Italy,

Silvio Berlusconi used a clever

stratagem to keep his opponent,

Romano Prodi, in the dark.

After he said, "Let's treat politicians like Twinkies.

They have to disclose their ingredients.",

thousands of viewers thought:

"Let's treat pundits like Port-a-Johns.

They have to show what they're full of."

"After I brought down Dan Rather,

I starred in the Hollywood blockbuster,

The Hindrocketeer."

"Now it's time for 'My Word'.

The word today is 'blondes Biest'."

Adele Fergusen says she has

"many black brothers and sisters

in this great country."

They're just not as white as she is.

Paleoanthropologists announced today

that Piltdown Man was still a hoax,

citing his great-grandson, Jeff Jacoby,

as living proof.

At his trial in Baghdad,

former judge Awad al-Bandar

was told to spit out the gum,

or else.

PRC Premier Wen Jiabao uses Microsoft's

Revolutionary Edition of PowerPoint

to illustrate a new concept,

'the Socialist Path with Chinese Characteristics'.

Asked to spell 'Canandaigua', the venue for

his latest defense of the Medicare drug benefit,

the President donned his Neo costume and

quickly eluded the Agents of Acceptable Usage.

After hanging out with guys like

George Bush, Jesse Helms, and Clarence Thomas,

Claude Allen learned the hard way that

'Evil companions corrupt good morals'.

Oklahoma judge James Payne withdrew

his nomination to the Court of Appeals

when he discovered the Tenth Circuit

already had a George Romney look-a-like.

Senator Santorum has reneged

on his promise to stop weekly

meetings with the lobbyist for

Hello Kitty.

DC Philanthropist,

Barbara Bonfiglio,

to Move Out of

Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood

If Cliff May could drop bombs on

America's enemies in Iraq from a

B-52 bomber cruising at 40,000 feet,

he would join the Air Force tomorrow.

That would be conventional war,

war that's fair and square.

Cliff May says he prefers conventional war

to unconventional war.

Try to imagine him fighting either.

Saddam Hussein's co-defendant,

Abdullah Kazim Ruwayyid, praised

Allah today for keeping him in a

Baghdad jail, one of the safest places in Iraq.

And he said unto them,

"Let not your hearts be troubled.

Believe in God,

believe also in me."

Senator George Allen is the hands-down

favorite to become quarterback for

the Dallas Cowboys in 2008.

Having been impeached, convicted, and censured

by the Nevada State Assembly,

Kathy Augustine silenced her GOP critics

when she quoted Reagan's 11th Commandment:

"Thou shalt not speak ill of a fellow Republican."

"My enemies say I'm a

corrupt politician.

I say I'm Richard Pombo,

faithful deliverer of

constituent services."

Rick Santorum and Joe Pitts were on the

verge of coming to blows over whose

lapel pin was more patriotic.

Karl Rove hurried over the tarmac. He knew

the shelf life of Bush's brain was about to expire,

and he didn't want to be the one left holding the bag

Model Used by Auguste Rodin for His

Famous Statue, The Thinker

"You know, people say to me, my buddies in Texas,

'How do you handle all this stuff?'

You know, after you've been George Bush for as long

as I have, you just have to get used to it."

Turkey Dance

"Some doctors have diagnosed the SRLC

as being in a 'persistent vegetative state'.

Well, this time, I'm afraid they're correct."

Lady in gimme cap checks watch,

thinks: "Jeebus, this is more boring

than church!"

The lady in red has been nominated for

Best Performance in a Supporting Role

for Graham Gone Wild.

Elephant Dwarfed by Star of

Attack of the 50 Foot Woman

"Our Father, as we look ahead to almost

three more years of the Bush Administration,

may tempus fugit, but even faster."

Just why the SRLC delegate ended up at

Lost and Found eventually became clear.

A delegate at the SRLC was unaware

she was wearing two good reasons for

a law against flag descrecation.