Will Harry Potter die in the Seventh Book?

Yes.

Who will kill him?

Alan Strang.

The children found the entrance sign for Dangerland irresistible.

Macbeth Comes for the Archbishop

"Touch not the Sacred Wingnut, Ismail, lest ye

unleash the Wrath of Malkin."

"Offline, I'm a harmless little show dog.

Online, I'm a killer."

Even Saraswati, the Goddess of Learning,

doesn't go out without her makeup.

Mumbai policemen aren't paid much,

but they are well fed.

"10,525 ... 10,526 ... 10,527 ... 10,528 ... Uh-oh!

I think I've already counted that one. No, it's

got a blue dot, not red, which means ... Oh, shit!

I've forgotten what blue means."

As the President of Bolivia will tell you, the President

of Brazil is a very warm and nurturing person.

Of Alberto Gonzales it will someday be written,

"His mendacity was only exceeded by his incompetence."

Britta always laughed when warned not to swim

too far from shore.

"See, I told you I could still talk OK without my codpiece."

Remember when Michael Kinsley was one of the

best left-of-center thinkers and writers in America?

Ah, those were the days.

Hezbollah Leader Sends Up Trial Balloon

Not every little boy gets to be a part of setting a new world

record by helping build a salo baguette 141 feet long. And

then you get to help eat it. Yum!

Rin Tin Tin Follows Scent of Money Westward;

Ends Up in Hollywood

101st Fighting Keyboarder Surging into Iraq

Tiger Woods to Be Named Honorary Member of the

British Government's Ministry of Silly Walks

Most music critics agree Jamie Cullum has his own

unique style of playing jazz piano.

"At least we agree on one thing, Senator Inhofe: Joe

Lieberman is about as funny as a pilonidal cyst."

No matter how many times José had been warned against

smoking in the outhouse, he insisted on lighting up.

Republican Representative Lynn Westmoreland has the

reputation for being the biggest asshole in the House.

Lately, his feverish behavior has led to the recommendation

that his temperature be taken with

the world's largest rectal thermometer.

Pakistani Lawyer Named 'Best Dressed Demonstrator' of 2007

"Edwards to Suspend Campaign," read the headline at

The Politico. Here you see the author (aka Humpty Dumpty) of

that headline, just before he fell off the wall and had a great fall.

Owner says she named her pet albino hedgehog 'Tony Snow',

because "when attacked, it rolls into a tight ball, brandishes

its spines, and grunts, snuffles and squeals, just like the

President's press secretary."

Tightrope Walker's Career on the Way Down

As the Son of God inched along, he thought:

"Jesus H. Christ, I am so sick of rush-hour traffic!"

White House and Congress Engaged in a Tug of War

Over Justice Deparment Irregularities

Paul Nixon will be the first to tell you cricket players

are real babe magnets.

"Praise the Lord and de-fund the ammunition!"

What Wallace Stegner once wrote about an early

rival of John Wesley Powell applies equally to the

Republican Senator from Oklahoma, James Inhofe:

"He was a preposterous, twelve-gauge, hundred-proof,

kiln-dried, officially notarized fool."

Of the many dreadful consequences of global warming will

be a world-wide epidemic of Inhofe-and-Mouth Disease.

"That's right. I coughed, sneezed, belched, hiccupped, yawned,

and farted, all at the same time. Man, you should see what

I look like now!"

Tooth Fairy for Kids Who Won't Brush Their Teeth

Is the bishop taking the hat off his own head,

or is he putting it on the priest's head?

"You say this is a Ford Escape, eh? If so, why are we still here?"

"There she is, Miss America

There she is, your ideal!"

At the London premiere, people couldn't tell

whether Carmen Electra was coming or going.

Soccer Shoes: the Next Generation

Certain modifications had to be made to JFK

International before the Airbus A380 could take off.

Who says water sprites are mythical creatures?

"Gawrsh! I sure told Congress who rules the roost

around here, didn't I? Hu-yuck, hu-yuck, hu-yuck!"

Rest easy. The python has just eaten.

Mike Allen, chief political correspondent for

The Politico, credits Matt Drudge for encouraging

him to buy the tie and Fox News for inspiring him

to wear it.

Pro-war demonstrator suspects Michelle Malkin may be

a Chinese Communist. "She certainly looks an awful lot

like one," he says.

Department of Justice to be Renamed

Department of Lickspittles

Ah, to be able again to nap as a child,

'twould be very heaven.

Neanderthal Man Wondering Whether 
'Handsome Brute' Is a Compliment
or an Insult