If Rand Paul is the most interesting man in

the Senate, what does this say about Reason,

the Lexus of libertarian periodicals? 

Newt Gingrich Accused of Aiding and Abetting Lampooners,

Wags, Parodists, Satirists, and Suckling Tigers

The Palestinian youth didn't live in a glass house,

so he felt free to throw stones.

The Palestinian boy was on the verge of saying, 'Better to

light a candle than to curse the darkness', but he didn't

speak English, so he remained silent.

Have you noticed how the interval between your quarterly

Mental Prophylaxes with Nurse Pelosi seem to grow

shorter and shorter? 

"Relax, Senator Coburn, that call was from Rachel Maddow.

She just wanted to say, 'Hi!'"

George and Laura Bush were dining here when they received

 word from President Obama that Osama bin Laden had been

killed.  Here's what the proprietors of this restaurant say

about themselves:  "rise n°1 is a 92-seat salon de soufflé

and wine bar, located in the heart of landmark retail center

 Inwood Village. A relaxed bistro focused on the soufflé –

the masterpiece of French cuisine – rise n°1 is the first of

its kind, bringing the French classic to Dallas diners in a

comfortable, casual environment."  If you choose to dine

here, be advised that it's considered gauche to order a

side of 'Freedom Fries'.

The main reason the National Museum of Patriotism is so

popular is that no one ever has to stand in line to get in.

The state motto of West Virginia is 'Mountaineers Are

Always Free'.  But, as mountain-top removal continues

apace in that Appalachian state, the motto will eventually

have to be changed to 'Levellers Are Always Flat Broke'.

Narcissus of the Boardroom

“Divided government here in Zombieland is the best time —

and some would argue the only time — where you can do

really big stuff, like denying health care to everybody

too old, too young, or too poor to afford it."

"Have you seen my new Learn Our History: Time Travel

Academy video series?  Critics are saying the animations

are the best since Jonny Quest and are more historically

accurate than the Mr. Peabody and Sherman segments

on The Bullwinkle Show."

"Before I became an oil speculator, my life as a slug

was dreadfully boring."

Man Loses Hair, Finds It on Chin

Massive Porn Stache Found in

Bin Laden Compound

In football, this is known as the 'Double Wingnut Formation'.

"What's it like to be a rich 'slave', Senator Paul?"

Dwight Probasco to Perform 'Wasillan Rhapsody'

at High School Graduation

"My property rights to own slaves eclipses their

civil rights to personal liberty."

"If you want me to stay in the House of Representatives,

please make a donation of $25. If you want me to seek the

presidency, please make a donation of $50. If you want

me to stomp my feet and scream like a three-year-old,

please make a donation of $100."

Rightbloggers and Other

Internet Biohazards #96

Advice Goddess

"Mr. Mulva, do you realize your name is the only word in

English I know that rhymes with vulva?"

“OK, what I do is, wash it with Head and Shoulders.

I don’t dry it, though. I let it dry by itself. It takes

about an hour. I then comb my hair. Yes, I use a

comb. Do I comb it forward? No, I don’t comb it

forward. I actually don’t have a bad hairline.

When you think about it, it’s not bad. I mean, I

get a lot of credit for comb-overs. But it’s not really

a comb-over. It’s sort of a little bit forward and back.

 I’ve combed it the same way for years. Same thing,

every time.”

"Yes, they're the best wings I've ever had!"

Having decided to cut out the middleman, a corporation

is on the verge of announcing a run for the Presidency.

"Make that 'REVEREND William Temple', or I'll have

you bastinadoed!"

If John Boehner had to wear his lies,

they would be illegal in Florida.

Magical Depressionism #23

A Rising Tide Lifts All Yachts

Downward mobility?  America, get used to it!

Only a genius, like Matt Bai, would think of comparing Newt

Gingrich to Charles de Gaulle as a way of dissing the French

worse than calling them 'cheese-eating surrender monkeys'.

Contrary to the rumors flying around, Bristol

 Palin did not have a face transplant.  All she

did was lose five pounds of baby fat.

Granted, the pay at Sonic wasn't all that hot, but it sure beat

hunting sabre-toothed cats for a living.

"We love each other very much.  This is why, 

after 25 years, I'm terminating our marriage." 

Rightbloggers and Other

Internet Biohazards #95

Raging Elephants

Senator Paul Suspects He's on President Obama's

Enemas List

Warm Scuzzies #185

John McKernan

“I cannot tolerate a man serving as our ambassador to our

chief strategic adversary in the world plotting, while in that

capacity, to run against the President of the United States. 

 If you think this reason for not supporting Jon Huntsman

for the Republican presidential nomination sounds far-

fetched, that's because you're not as patriotic as I am."

Schock Jock

Unlike liberals, there aren't 365 ways to drive conservatives

crazy.  Why?  Because they're already crazy.

Warm Scuzzies #184

Jim Moats

Do you wish to know how Rick Santorum is winning over

disaffected South Carolina Republicans?  If so, you must

first overcome the fear of the dark, the fear of loud noises,

the fear of falling, the fear of reptiles, and the fear of

frothy mixtures.  

Newt Gingrich to Announce 2012

Run on Farcebook

O Robin, Where Art Thou?

Hasidic Newspaper Photoshops Hillary Clinton Out of

Iconic Photo to Minimize Its Sexual Suggestiveness

Blogging Again Fails to Make List of 'Top 20

Useful College Majors'

News of Sbarro Bankruptcy Even Less Interesting

Than the Food

"Remind me again:  are you Warren Burger, John Cornyn,

Lloyd Hand, or Silvermane?"

There's one word that unfailingly brings a

smile to Dick Cheney's cadaverous visage:

Waterboarding.

Animal Kingdom Wins Kentucky Derby for 137th Time

When Governor Jindal released his birth certificate, people

were shocked to learn he doesn't have a middle name and

that his first name isn't really 'Bobby'.