When he saw that Rocky was on Yahoo's
list of the '100 Movies to See Before You
Die', Fearguth was fairly sure he would
die first.

Michele Bachmann Wins Close Contest for Poster
Girl of The Raving Lunatics of North America

Peretz the Pigot

When David Addington--'Cheney's Cheney'--learned that
he may soon be subject to arrest in 24 European countries
for war crimes, he decided to take his family on vacation
this summer to Wally World.

A spectre is haunting the United States Senate ---
the spectre of Specter.

The President, the Secretary of Defense, and the
Chairman of the Joint Chiefs were all on the same
page at the same time. And that was the problem.

For once, Michael Steele put his mind in gear before
he put his mouth in motion. But that didn't seem to
work out too well, either.

"Our road to recovery is easier than A.A.'s: only three
steps instead of twelve. That's a 75% reduction!"

You can watch Glenn Beck on TV,
listen to him on the radio, and
buy him by the bottle.

"One more word out of you, Senator,
and your Sea-Monkey is history!"

Bushville Designed for Those Accustomed to
Living in Gated Communities

Senate Majority Leader Reid Admits He Was
Hoodwinked by Chief Justice John Roberts;
"It Makes Me Scowl!" He Says

"Like President Nixon once said,
'I am not a kook'!"

Prostitute Bites Slap Chop Pitchman's Tongue,
Says, "I Hate His Nuts!"

“Andrew Cuomo’s about confiscation — genuine communist.
The Chinese are capitalist, we got a communist.”

Hard Times Force Leo, the MGM Lion, to Take Second
Job as King of Beasts of Burden

Having a hard time understanding Molecular GOPology?
Perhaps Nate Silver's chart will help.

"It took some doing, but for this year's gallery opening,
we were able to acquire Bill O'Reilly's 'Lambchop Loofah',
which, I understand, he keeps handy on both land and sea."

Blue Balls-Only Education 'Fails' Texas Children,
Newspaper Editorial Says

"Don't be a sucker, kid! The GEICO gecko is just a computer-
generated image that shills car insurance with an outrageous
Cockney accent. I, on the other hand, want nothing more than
to be your favorite cold-blooded companion."

"Gromit, don't panic, but either we're shrinking
or Peeping Tommy is expanding!"

"Now I know what Bishop felt like when he was torn
in half by that Alien Bitch!"

Even after being cremated, they're still Red Chinese.

The Onion Sues GOP for Plagiarizing
Federal Budget Chart

"OK, so there's a growing case against red meat.
What I want to know is: wouldn't that include
woodchucks?"

Steve Schmidt Announces Support for Same-Sex
Marriage, Says, "I'm So Desperate, I'd Even Marry
John McCain, Were He Not Already Married to
Joe Lieberman and Lindsey Graham!"

When it learned it shared approximately 97%
of its genetic makeup with Glenn Beck, the
orangutan lost its appetite and began to
gradually waste away.

World's Worst Jobs #92
Uruguayan Oil Spill Responder

What if you had spent three years in the Augustinian Friars
Seminary at Villanova University in the 1980s? Wouldn't you,
like Michael Steele, tend to interpret everything you do or say
today as part of some grand theostrategic process to laugh
your political opponents into submission?

"Too bad Roy Lichtenstein died in 1997? What's
that supposed to mean?"

Have we seen the last of Ehud Olmert? Or is he
another one of those recurring bad dreams?

"Stop, stop, stop, illustrator! It's not 'ague & fever'
I'm suffering from; it's 'AIG & fever'!"

"Do you know what happened to the
last guy who said I reminded him
of Bill O'Reilly?"

Republican Whip Skips Obama Presser,
Scrutinizes Britney's Whip Instead

"And, oh, before I forget, tell Chuck Todd he handles
polling data much better than he asks questions at
press conferences."

World's Third-Largest Mosque as Photographed
by Man with Serious Balance Disorder

New RV for the Homeless to Put Mobile Bushvilles
on the Map

Just When You Thought It Was Safe
to Go Back in the Water

"Hey, Eddy baby! Are those 'provocative questions' in
your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?"

GOP Gloves Off for Budget Brawl

In 1965, The Loved One, a movie intended to offend
everybody, sowed the wind with coffins launched into
orbit around the Earth. Forty-four years later, we are
reaping the whirlwind.

Hardline Saudi Clerics Want Women Banned from
TV, Media; Petrified Saudi Clerics, Like This One,
Want Women Banned---Period!

"Hey, Ed! I'm going to hand you your ass on a
plate tonight. Did you remember to bring
your fork?"

---Developing---

OBAMA SEEKS EXPANDED POWER TO
SEIZE MATT DRUDGE'S HAT

Scheduled outrage at 4:00PM PDT

In his account of the President's press conference last night,
Adam Nagourney found Obama to be more "enervating than
energizing." That's pretty strong stuff coming from someone
who--in his black suit, white shirt, and gray tie--looks more
like a funeral director than a reporter for the New York Times.

"Dear A.I.G.,
I Quit!"

"Dear Jake,
Bully for you! Be sure to turn
out the lights as you leave."

Although the Peel P50, the world's smallest car, could
get 83 MPG, it had an unfortunate propensity to hump
the leg of any lady who happened by.

"This is what we've got -- you know what we've got? We've
got trash in the White House. Trash is a, is a thing that
is color blind, it can cross all eco -- ecosocionomic kind
of categories, you can work on Wall Street or work at
the Wal-Mart. Trash are people who use other people
to get things, who patronize others, who consider you
bitter and clingy."

"Yes, friends and neighbors, my survival seed
will allow you to plant a full acre crisis garden,
even if you live in a two-room flat next door
to Matt Drudge."